All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

My husband isn't like that. He got up early with the kids today, brought me a cup of tea in bed, mowed the lawns, went to vacuum and realised the vacuum was full so popped to the shop to get more vacuum bags, hung a load of washing out on the line, did some painting and homework with our youngest, dropped the eldest to cricket. All before lunchtime. That's normal for us. We earn exactly the same money (within 1,000 pounds) do equal school runs, childcare and chores. He's on all school and sports WhatsApp groups. We have a joint bank account. Our three sons are also expected to keep their rooms clean, tidy up after themselves, pop to the shops if I need them to, put the vacuum round. I don't beg, I don't thank, I simply expect no different. I wouldn't have three kids with my husband if he was a lazy arse with no respect for me. I'd have been out of the door long ago and he knows I'd be out the door now if he didn't pull his weight. I simply don't understand how it happens. I'm an excellent wife, I deserve an excellent husband.

I like this. As someone who tried to start a business (and failed) I can see the perspective of small businesses and their fear of employing women. There is a need to balance this out!

Many are. Abusive men often ramp up the abuse when the woman is pregnant as they know she’s less likely to leave.

The other thing, of course, is that things might not be perfect even before the babies, but there aren’t so many options and time of maximum fertility is relatively short. Arguably it would be better not to have children, or even to have them solo, but that seems like a very difficult option when you’re younger.

Why shouldn't mothers be blamed for their actions (or lack of) in these situations? Women aren't without agency. Just because a man is useless and abusive it doesn't absolve women of their responsibility towards their children. No, it's not your fault your husband is a useless piece of shit, not one person is saying it is. You aren't responsible for someone else's actions. Only your own. So if you choose to do nothing to change your situation, and that affects your children, then that is on you. It is not sexist or misogynistic to say both parents are responsible for how their children are raised.

If I divorced my husband - no one would be on my side. They'd all think I was unreasonable. Apart from my mum. No one would support it and everyone would think I'm a complete bitch and a failure. The only acceptable reasons to leave a marriage are domestic abuse ( physical ) and perhaps cheating.

But of course, just leave your husband. Don't put up with it, right. It's so easy !

Sounds like just plain old sexism to me! It doesn't resonate with me or my circle of friends. My OH does his share around the house without being asked and organises social activities for us. For example, he and another dad organised a get together for us last night.

My brother on the other hand is a caveman! All social activities are organised through his partner. Not because she's controlling but because he's a 1950s type who leaves it up to the woman and she doesn't seem to question it. I don't understand why women put up with it. Especially pre children!

Not sure this is relevant, but I was telling a friend yesterday I find that mums and dads who care deeply about the sex of their baby before its born are way more likely to subscribe to gender based stereotypes and go along with unequal or gendered division of household labour.

Stop responding to the issue of crap men by blaming women, and stop reaching for the "ur angry" shutdown when someone notices it. They are both sexist attitudes and despite your turgid prose, you clearly haven't thought about them at all. You don't get "but primary caregiver" as a get out option when you haven't given two seconds thought as to why women might usually be the primary caregiver, and why this sets them up for a circle of shite that has them blamed for crap men, and then blamed again when they object.

If you can do that, the pomposity will be bearable.

I know, but because she said that fathers should take the last 3-6 months, and the leave shouldn't be taken concurrently it means that mum would go back to work at 6 or 9 months.

If she means they both get a year then wonderful!

I wouldn't be against both getting a year but I don't think that would ever happen.

I think both getting 6 months would be more realistic.

Not my world…

I agree with you op. All dhs are useless fuckers. I let mine go years ago.
Have been blissfully happy ever since. Dc are normal, happy well adjusted.
Fact is, the myth "you can have it all" includes housrwork, childrearing and being The Adult in the family

You do feel burned out by the time kids are at university, I did from working and commuting and dealing with my teens even with ex at home as the carer.

It's gone though now that feeling, it's great.

I can do what I want and feel completely relaxed mostly. No smelly, snoring, grumpy and many old man in my home. Ugh!

Yes I did win that, I think it was more posturing and denial from my Ex, who I think just genuinely believed that feeling love for his child, and playing with him now and again was what fathering was. So I said under no circumstances was I prepared to share care 50/50, as he couldn’t even seem to get off his phone when I wanted to do the garden and look after our child! And that he could take me to court if he wanted.

It’s a bit scary I think but if you are the main carer now, then it might be worth checking with a solicitor what the situation might be if you did leave. And also think ahead a bit. I foolishly moved nearer my Exes work, even though I was the main earner. When the children are in school there isn’t that much time outside of school so unless your husband gives up work, he can’t really be there for homework etc.

Moany old man.

I had one set of grandparents (born early 1900’s) who shared responsibilities and resources, in turn my father was very hands on as a father and shared other domestic tasks with my mother. The other set of grandparents had a more traditional set up with him working and my grandmother staying at home, but they still shared child rearing within those parameters and some domestic tasks. I think separation during WW2 had an impact on how they felt about their wives and children.

My husband was very hands on as a parent and shared domestic things. At times did more than me and at times I did more than him depending on the stage of life we were at. He was far better than me with certain elements of parenting and I in turn was better than him with other elements. Now there are just the two of us we share household things fairly equally.

@PimmsandCucumbers that is exactly what it is! He loves them, he is silly with them, and he comes to the park with us - and he's a great dad! When I try to say all the stuff I did in a big ultimatum chat he shouted "right so you send some emails and order some clothes and shit off amazon. BOO HOO". Word for word.

I haven't bought it up since. There is no point.

My DH does much more around the house, and equal with our baby, to me - so overall he does more.

I've actually never met another couple like us, and I don't know why. I'd never put up with a man who didn't pull his weight.

Coincidentally I've managed to have a v successful career so far because of all the help and support DH has given me in the home.

Well my husband is currently cooking, having decided food for the week and going shopping for the ingredients himself. He also bought me aftersun because he saw my skin was burnt.

Hes not perfect by a long shot (neither am I) but we each play to our strengths. It works for us because our intention is to serve us as a couple to the best of our abilities.

I know one woman who's life is not this way. It is because he unequivocally knows that she can and will leave if he does not do his share. She is fabulous, he is fabulous.

My life on the other hand, I do bulk of the housework, bulk of the childcare, and I earn more than he does. I deal with booking every and anything, I deal with our finances, just yesterday I sat him down with our budget for the next 8 weeks, he's ignored it and gone out shopping twice since.

This is so depressing. Thank goodness this isn’t my life.

I often wonder if things change when children come along. Men expect to be taken care of and women just do this.

My marriage is childfree and I have no plans of washing my husbands knickers, putting his shoes away or cleaning his shit from the toilet bowl. Fuck that life.

So why, unlike her, do you not leave if he doesn't do his share?

This is so awful. Would your friends really not support you?

I agree, it would never happen. In which case, I don't think a mother's maternity leave should be cut short for Dad to take over.

He didn't just give birth after all!

That's nice. My husband is the kind of husband that makes a mess constantly.

also he complains a lot.

If he cooks, he stomps around the kitchen, being unable to find even the simplest stuff. Then he complains that everything is a fucking mess because of how I keep it. Same goes for anything else he does. I asked him to give the baby a bottle when he wakes up.

I even left the bottle out and all he needed to do was warm the milk.

Queue 5 am, he goes downstairs and is completely unable to find the milk in the fridge. Shouting, ' where is the milk for fuck sake '... wakes up the whole house. Proceeds to find milk, then comes in to the room complaining there's not enough milk and baby now awake. Not even true. Baby just didn't want any more.

Yes, I think it's probably the norm for heterosexual relationships where both partners work full-time.

I see it among well-off highly educated friends where both partners work, so it's not just about class. I think it happens most often DHs were raised in traditional households with unequal economic partnerships; or sometimes they're just unpleasant people.

It sucks.

Here's two things I think would help:

• We should start socially shaming men in the way we do women for being dirty or lazy or sharing unequally around the house - and find a word that's as as damning as "nag"!
• We should have 6-month "use it or lose it" parental leave for dads, the way the Scandinavian countries do.