In laws always making us feel frivolous

[pappapigg]

Including my young sister in law.

In laws have all the same furniture they've had for 40 years. Fair enough. Their house and their choice.

Some sofas have holes in them and their home could do with redecorating. However, it's all good. As long as they're happy.

When it comes to our stuff though... we moved from a flat to a house a couple of years ago.

Some of the stuff we had in our flat, hasn't made it. We had a cheap ikea table and chairs and we upgraded it to a pricey table and chair set, that should last us longer.

Anyhow. Every time we've replaced something, they always act really shocked. 'Omg what have you done with your old table ? ' ' can't you find another place for it ? '. They do the same with clothes for our kids - where are Bella's shoes from when she was a baby ? ' where is that pillow you had 5 years ago ? ' and so on.

We aren't frivolous by any means. I don't think it's unusual to upgrade 15 year old student furniture, once you move to a house. We've done it bit by bit. I haven't changed our bed, as I bought that later and it's still good.

I feel like they keep tabs on what we have and what we do. Same with any outside help we get - like a cleaner or gardener etc. they make us feel like we are terrible for getting help in and brag about how they did it all themselves. It's really frustrating. All the house stuff rests on me pretty much aa husband is never there and they clearly think I'm a rubbish mum and houswife ( I also work full time ). But they just never have a kind word to say about anything we do. Only criticisms and how they were so perfect and saved so much money all the time.

I've got neighbours who are of a similar age and they also regularly replace broken sofas etc. so it can't be an age thing. It's just frustrating to feel judged ALL the time. To always hear how life was harder for them ( it actually wasn't always ) and to always have to recognise their hardships, while any of ours are always swept away and dismissed.

I got a similar (In laws said ‘we worked hard all our life and never had anything like this) when we bought a new table

I just pull back from them anyway - don’t have them so involved

Do they live close by? How often are visits?
Regarding cleaner/gardener, how are they finding out this information?
Stop over sharing.

Just withdraw from them. How close by have you moved that they no your every move? Sounds like that was your biggest mistake. If you aren’t local just stop telling them stuff.

I’ve a friend like this. She’s lovely. But they hang on to everything and can be a bit judgey like your in-laws. I think it comes from envy as after decades of this they have recently started doing the same and copying us on a lot of things.

im fairly sure your in-laws know their decor is tired and stuff worn out so it likely is envy.
ignore it and as a pp said, stop over sharing on other stuff.

My DH is similar towards my DS and his wife. I’ve managed to get him to stop saying it out loud in front of them and to just drone onto me about how they should be saving instead of spending. It’s just a mindset but I do feel for you having to put up with it.

Smile brightly and say well this is what we earn money for, or something akin

I think in your shoes I’d play up to it, and periodically scream ‘Children, get off that sofa this second! We’ve had it exactly six months and need to replace it with something more ‘now’!’ Or ‘Pils, like our new dining table/lampshade/living room carpet? Well, don’t get too fond of it — the clock is already ticking down to its replacement!’

Or offer to lend them some money to replace the sofa with holes in it? Claim you lost a child down there once?

Mine are the same.

It's a post-war attitude, surely. I accept it as generational for those who children in late forties and early fifties of the last century. There was still rationing when they were children.

Depends

If you ( like my aunt) spend half their lives buying new stuff and the other half moaning that they are broke ... then I have no sympathy

But that's a personal projection/ gripe!

My own Mum was of the same generation but went the other way. Everything had to be new, matching and updated.

Humans respond differently to same societal trauma.

My mil can be a bit like this. I have a great relationship with her and choose to ignore her tight lipped reaction to me buying/doing anything she deems frivolous or unnecessary. I'm actually pretty frugal and spend wisely so she can fuck off.

You shouldn’t have to, but if you know they’ll be asking questions about the furniture etc, just tell them you got from Facebook/eBay/gumtree etc. I bought a fabulous oak dining set and 8 chairs for £500 on fb, tiny little scratch on it. Whole set new was about 3k!

My in-laws are always trying to foist stuff from their house onto us. No I don’t want your old vaccuum or lamp or or some crystal glasses that I won’t ever use. They recently got a fancy new sofa (brand new) and were trying to get us to take the old one. No thanks! It was a decent sofa, but we don’t need or want it. Thankfully BIL friend had just got a new place so he was very happy to take it

My husband and I are smack bang in the middle of our parents.

My parents buy second hand everything (but a LOT of it - their house is crammed with huge pieces of furniture), and their kitchen worktops don't match because only one side NEEDED replacing.

My in laws replace their kitchen once every five years, and redecorate the rest of the house with £100/roll wallpaper, new sofas, the whole of page six of the Next catalogue etc every other year. (And annoyingly, MIL decided that in the last redecoration that the old sofa was "dominating the room" - yeah, with places for us all to sit! And she's aggrieved when we don't hang around that long perched on dining chairs.)

So we get "Oh, new sofas?" from my family, and "Aren't you going to redo the kitchen?" from his.

It's a version of 'when we were young we lived in cardboard box'

My in laws are actually really wealthy and their stuff is really expensive. Some of it is just old and broken now.

They could easily afford to replace it, but they don't.

I don't think they're jealous. I think they just think they're better than us.

We also don't moan about not having money etc. we are fine and live well within our means.

We live quite close, so they do come around regularly.

You just "frivol" away - but don't fall out over it!

They may have been brought up in more stringent times - my Dad's catchphrase was "Waste not, want not" and I thought I would go mad if I heard it again! - but he was brought up in different times - I certainly did not fall out with him over it!

The thing is, they really didn't.

It’s a cliche but they can’t make you feel anything, only you can do that. Create some distance - they sound like miserable resentful people so minimise their place in your life - they can see the kids without you meaningfully engaging with them.

Don’t share more than you need to. When they comment on something just say - we donated it because we wanted to upgrade/she’s grown out of it / we don’t need it anymore. If they make any further comment then say please can you stop commenting on how we run our lives, it’s rude.

It took me ages to get DH to understand that we simply don't have time to do stuff ourselves. Was one of your PILs at home all the time? Because that frees up a lot of time. You can spend a whole weekend working on the garden if the washing and food prep has already been done.

No, few people do, but it's a way of saying I once had less or made do with less, my inlaws are the same

This is my MIL. She thinks all rooms should be redecorated annually, or biannually if you’re really struggling, and the furniture in their living room changes all the time, at vast expense, but is still somehow never quite right.

As @continentallentil said - you can't control them but you can control your reactions to them. Why does itatter to you what they think or say?

If it does - simply point out that those are your choices and you're happy with them

It's none of their business.

There are people who make a profession out of being tight fisted and your in laws are some of them.

They eye everything like they've got a bad smell up their nose and give passive aggressive criticism.

Don't overshare and have responses when they bring things up. My parents had a single wage coming in and 4 kids. They couldn't replace stuff as quickly as we can or buy as expensive stuff. They were also supporting my grandparents. Both dh and I work, like you we aren't extravagant but do spend and save relative to our incomes. I was looking at buying a bbq which was about £300ish and my dad commented that it was a heck of a lot of money to spend on something we can't use all year round. I just told dad that we want a bigger one and that's actually a fairly low price as some are a lot more expensive, plus we can afford it. He got the message. I'm actually looking at one more expensive by a better brand but don't feel the need to share.

I think when you are used to having to save, budget very carefully to make ends meet that kind of behaviour stays with you even if you do come into more money. At least I know my parents are like this.

I wouldn't go low or no contact over it just tell them that as you both work you can afford it and going over stuff like this is very tiresome.

I got this from my brother once because I had the audacity to buy a new sofa!. Why he would care is beyond me. Him and his wife earn a fortune. His house is crammed with old furniture from her mums and my mums.