In laws always making us feel frivolous

[pappapigg]

Including my young sister in law.

In laws have all the same furniture they've had for 40 years. Fair enough. Their house and their choice.

Some sofas have holes in them and their home could do with redecorating. However, it's all good. As long as they're happy.

When it comes to our stuff though... we moved from a flat to a house a couple of years ago.

Some of the stuff we had in our flat, hasn't made it. We had a cheap ikea table and chairs and we upgraded it to a pricey table and chair set, that should last us longer.

Anyhow. Every time we've replaced something, they always act really shocked. 'Omg what have you done with your old table ? ' ' can't you find another place for it ? '. They do the same with clothes for our kids - where are Bella's shoes from when she was a baby ? ' where is that pillow you had 5 years ago ? ' and so on.

We aren't frivolous by any means. I don't think it's unusual to upgrade 15 year old student furniture, once you move to a house. We've done it bit by bit. I haven't changed our bed, as I bought that later and it's still good.

I feel like they keep tabs on what we have and what we do. Same with any outside help we get - like a cleaner or gardener etc. they make us feel like we are terrible for getting help in and brag about how they did it all themselves. It's really frustrating. All the house stuff rests on me pretty much aa husband is never there and they clearly think I'm a rubbish mum and houswife ( I also work full time ). But they just never have a kind word to say about anything we do. Only criticisms and how they were so perfect and saved so much money all the time.

I've got neighbours who are of a similar age and they also regularly replace broken sofas etc. so it can't be an age thing. It's just frustrating to feel judged ALL the time. To always hear how life was harder for them ( it actually wasn't always ) and to always have to recognise their hardships, while any of ours are always swept away and dismissed.

I think you just need to learn to ignore the comments.

My MIL used to make comments and got frustrated when they didn't bother me but it was because I grew up with my DM who has a talent for borderline offensive comments.

I usually just let them wash over me but DM made a comment about our garden the other day telling me what she would do. I pointed out we both work full time and so don't have as much time (or inclination) as she and DF do and she did actually acknowledge that it made a difference. (Although she didn't know I work full time and it's been more than 3 years).

I'm going to suggest that if they have had their furniture etc. more than 40 years that they probably got married in the 1970's and I hate to admit that the manufacturers probably made things better back then, made them to last longer. So when you're spending the money on Ikea, they probably bought handmade (or the equivalent). Nothing wrong with either. Just the way that they would think about you replacing stuff when you do.

I'd reply with "Yeah, I know, they don't make them like they used to back when you bought your table/sofa/lampshade/whatever...things just don't last as long"
or
"Yeah, it's wonderful that since Ikea came on the scene we can chop and change our decor, sell it back to the store for a store discount (so someone else can use it possibly) and have a whole new decor and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg"

Something like that.

We suffered the same from my parents and brother. My parents were war babies but my brother was born in the 1960s so with him it was behaviour learned from them.

I was brought up the same, to make do with worn out things, then, suddenly in my 20s, when I was earning enough money I realised that the whole point of money was to buy yourself a little bit of comfort and have and do things that give you pleasure. I was judged from that point on and found wanting for decades.

When my dad died I cleared out their house and everything was worn thin, broken and badly repaired, not maintained and plain bloody sad. My parents left a pile of money in the bank and lived like paupers. It was as though they didn't think they were worth the investment which is so upsetting.

Ignore them. Live your life. Enjoy the fruits of your labour.

Tell them less (how do they know you have a cleaner) and have them over less.

My in laws are actually really wealthy and their stuff is really expensive. Some of it is just old and broken now.

I think it’s quite common for “in my day things were built to last” types to forget that there’s a difference between something lasting longer and it lasting forever. Almost everything gets shabby and worn out in the end.

A friend of mine was trying to sell his late mother’s house and was aghast when I suggested he change the carpets. “My mom paid six hundred quid for that carpet!!” Well yes, maybe she did - 30 years earlier. The bloody thing was threadbare in places not to mention hideous.