To be annoyed with friend just turning up at my house

[Holly03]

My friend I’ll use that term loosely just turned up yesterday at my house. I’m really annoyed by it as I’ve just moved home and I’ve been trying to get sorted so I’d mentioned I was out and I’d let her know when I’m back(made the mistakes of uploading photos of child on sm in the garden) tried to say they were from this morning but within ten minutes she was at my house. Now my problem stems with the fact that she always comes over at the weekend as she has no money and clearly no food in the house and seems to rely on me, also tries to leave her child for the night(ends up being the weekend). Straight away the child was hungry she claimed she had fed him so within the hour I was having to make tea early as she was already hinting at what was for tea and also had helped herself to food in the cupboards. I was having to make her child food and he was then in the freezer. It seems to be a regular thing and whilst I was moving I got to avoid this. She’s also a smoker like myself so as you can imagine never has any cigarette’s(I’m trying to quit too and seem to end up buying more). Would anyone else be really annoyed by this? I just wanted the weekend to get organised and unpacked and really didn’t want visitors as my house is upside down at present with just moving days ago(even my family understand this) I’m still decorating and haven’t even had flooring put in yet. I just also find it really cheeky to expect to be fed at somebody else’s home

So why do you let her in? How about when she turns up saying she can't come in as it's a bad time? She sounds like a CF to me.

People with a brass neck and CF tendencies like this need telling straight, I'm afraid. Straight and blunt. Also if feeling petty tey doing the same to her - she wouldn't take it, i bet. So why should you?

You should have told her that it was not convenient and you will contact her to arrange a get together.

Your problem is that your friend has a brass neck and you don't tell the truth. You need to be much more blunt.
You told her you were out and would let her know when you were back. Why did you lie?

Next time be honest. I have loads to do so you can't come round this weekend.

Stop letting her in?

You need to be more assertive. She's taking the piss.
Next time she knocks in the door say 'oh hi! you've come at a really bad time. I'm not being rude but you'll have to go. Sorry!' Then shut the door.
During the week, message her and say that you can't have anyone over during the following weekend in case she was thinking of popping over.
Keep doing this every time you don't want her over.

I was in the back garden at the time so she let herself in. I was so annoyed. In future I’m just going to have to say I’m heading out because it’s just annoying. I’m just annoyed so much that she did it when I said I had plans for the day. It makes me feel bad for her child not being fed but she can’t rely on me to feed them both. She has a partner and only has the one child to feed as she hasn’t got her other children. Her child destroyed my house and had everything everywhere, broken my daughters outside toy to play fight and spent the time in a mood as he wanted his own way. She spent the whole time complaining about mil complaining about the state of her house from them(I really can’t blame mil it’s very disrespectful as she is allowing them to stay at her house).

She would not have got a foot through the door.

You don’t need to share but I’m making an assumption of a difficult childhood or romantic relationships because you have no boundaries at all.

OP, you keep saying ‘ I was having to’ and ‘I had to’. No you don’t. You are choosing to allow yourself to be exploited by someone you don’t even like, presumably because you are a people pleaser, or are afraid of saying ‘no’. Think about that.

You to grow a backbone.

Don't feed them or give her cigs. Don't say yes to her DC staying the night either.

Just say sorry that doesn't work for us. And nothing else.

And tell her you're busy if she turns up.

Yabu for letting her in and pandering to her. She wouldn’t even be my friend let alone in my house.

Keep your front door locked!
If you don't get anything out of this friendship just let her know you don't want her over as she doesn't respect your time or your property.
Your poor Dd putting with all that. Stand up for her sake.

She let herself in?! Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Lock the door. Grow a backbone and say you have plans.

If she still gets in while you're having the door open to move in..
Learn to repeat what message you want to land "no we're not having dinner yet. We have so much to do. Thanks for stopping by but we're not up for visitors right now" and open the door to gesture to get them to leave. Repeat repeat!

Your "friend" sounds like she's not going to change. Why would she, she's taking taking taking. Win.

Are YOU going to change the dynamic?

How did she let herself in? Get a door chain, use it, say its an inconvenient time, shut door. Repeat as needed.

Don't feed her child (or her), if her child goes in a cupboard then say sorry "child name", not today and shut the cupboard door and stand in front of it. Repeat as needed.

Jesus christ, stop being such a doormat! Of course she always wants to come over when you provide free food, fags and childcare.

I might be missing the point, but how on earth can she not afford to feed her child if she is living with her MIL? (Presumably at lower/no rent)...

Tbh at this point you are choosing this rather than standing up for yourself aren't you?

If she hints her child is hungry you reply you'd better take them home and feed them then.
If they want a cig you say no, they're expensive and I can't afford to keep replacing them.

You are choosing to feed the child, give her fags, entertain them in your home etc instead of saying no and having her what? Be cross with you?

Question is - so what if she does get cross? What is so scary about that to you that you let her walk all over you instead?

That's what you need to address because only then can you change. You can't change her. She'll carry on taking the piss as long as you let her.

Your friendship with her costs you £? Per week. Calculate it.

Do you want to continue to hire a friend for that sum?

She's not your friend Op, friendship has give and take, she only takes. You just sees you as a chance not to parent and to see what she can get from you. You don't enjoy her company so tell her no until she gets the message and can't keep your door abd gates locked so she can't just walk in

Did you say she lives with mil but there's never any food in the house? Something's wrong in that child's life if he's never fed.
Lock your door tell her your busy and she needs to sort her child's needs out

Agree with the previous poster, keep your front door locked. If she calls just say, sorry we're going out. Even if she's at the front door, put all your shoes on and get in the car to leave/walk out. Drive/walk around the block, then go home again. My cousin had an over stepping friend, this is how she dealt with it without falling out. She'd say, popping into mil/Dr's/supermarket/chemist etc. But the trick is, not to chat, physically don't stop, keep leaving and say, I'll call you later.

YABU for not telling her to leave. You've got a mouth, that's what it's for.

Put a chain on your front door and a bolt on your back gate.
Tell her straight OP or she will never get the hint.
Tell her you can't have her round anymore as you can't afford to feed your family AND hers and you can't afford to replace the toys her DC breaks.

Sorry, I meant keep doirs locked so she can't just walk in, much easier to keep her out then try to get rid of her once she's in

Oh ffs grow a vagina. Just tell her you won't be doing tea tonight. You have plans so she'll have to go. If you find that hard tell her you are developing a migraine so she'll have to go. When she turns up tell her she can't stay as you have plans. Just repeat each time 'you need to ask when I am free as turning up like this isn't working for me'.