To be annoyed with friend just turning up at my house

[Holly03]

My friend I’ll use that term loosely just turned up yesterday at my house. I’m really annoyed by it as I’ve just moved home and I’ve been trying to get sorted so I’d mentioned I was out and I’d let her know when I’m back(made the mistakes of uploading photos of child on sm in the garden) tried to say they were from this morning but within ten minutes she was at my house. Now my problem stems with the fact that she always comes over at the weekend as she has no money and clearly no food in the house and seems to rely on me, also tries to leave her child for the night(ends up being the weekend). Straight away the child was hungry she claimed she had fed him so within the hour I was having to make tea early as she was already hinting at what was for tea and also had helped herself to food in the cupboards. I was having to make her child food and he was then in the freezer. It seems to be a regular thing and whilst I was moving I got to avoid this. She’s also a smoker like myself so as you can imagine never has any cigarette’s(I’m trying to quit too and seem to end up buying more). Would anyone else be really annoyed by this? I just wanted the weekend to get organised and unpacked and really didn’t want visitors as my house is upside down at present with just moving days ago(even my family understand this) I’m still decorating and haven’t even had flooring put in yet. I just also find it really cheeky to expect to be fed at somebody else’s home

The cigarettes thing just keep them hidden e.g. in a kitchen cupboard, tell her you've given up so don't have any.

OP this is a yoi problem right here

as pp have said, be more assertive.
she’s living off you.

I get she is going through something herself but she’s not your burden to deal with

if you’re stopping smoking, stop buying the cigs and tell her she’s not helping you

tell her straight that she can’t come over

explain to her that her child has broken numerous toys and it’s not working for you

it sounds like you want her to be in your life - but you’ve set zero boundaries.

how is she letting herself into your home??

I wouldn't bother lying because it means you'll not be able to smoke when you usually would. If she asks you just say they're expensive so you can't afford to give any away.

Ditto to everyone else's comments about not letting her treat you like a doormat.

I feel sorry for your DD

Would you want her to have friends like this user

You're showing her how to behave

Grow a backbone for her sake

If you think user's DC are neglected, report. But stop being an utter mug and damaging your own DD

Don't get into the habit of lying to keep her away...then worrying that you might slip up .

Just say no don't come over this weekend,I need to sort my house and just can't be bothered with anyone in the way....and keep saying no.
Hopefully she get the hint and move on to the next mug.

I had similar a very long time ago with a neighbour just rolling up whenever and sitting watching her kids wreck my house,took me losing my temper to finally put a stop to it.

Lock your door and stop pandering to this woman. She's not your friend.

None of this makes sense. Why would you buy cigarettes for someone else when you're trying to give up? When her child goes into your freezer, why don't you just firmly close the door and tell both of them that you don't have food to share? Most of all, if she turns up in your back garden, why don't you just say sorry, I'm really busy today, you can't stay?

How can she let herself in? Keep your door locked and bolted.

Did you give her your new address?

This would have been a perfect time to stop contact once you had moved?

I do feel soy for the kid though if he's never fed.

You need to be assertive. No is a complete sentence.

All good advice and you need to be more assertive. But if you find that hard face to face then you need to either message her early on a weekend and say "we are out today, possibly not back till after tea, going to look at flooring/decorating/curtains" Do not say you will call her when you are back and do post on flippin social media!

It’s really hard confronting people when you are a decent person - and they have hi-hacked you.

I think you are right not to lie anymore op or you will always be on tenterhooks.

A full on direct but calm conversation is required now along the lines of “I am your friend but you can’t rely on me all of the time to entertain and feed you and your child. I have limited time and the other day when you came around I only had a few hours to get sort my boxes and now I am behind.”

“And sorry but you need to get that partner of yours to step up and take you out at the weekends. In future please text in advance if you want to come around. It can’t be easy living at your mils but bluntly that is not my problem to solve”.

Sorry - do NOT post on social media

Door locked at all times. Hide your fags. If she rocks up tell her your going out.

How is her child starving when she lives with her MIL? I think someone is telling porky pies! (Not you, her.)

Hide your fags, if she asks for one "sorry I've not got any money and down to my last one.", if she asks what's for dinner "I'm not sure haven't got much in, what you planning to cook when you go home?"

Keep the front door locked. And don't post on SM or block her from viewing your posts.

Tell her your circumstances have changed and you can’t afford to feed her and her child any more. In fact it would be a real help if she started repaying the favour and cooking for you and your child once a week. Can we start this week?

You won’t see her for dust.

Agree with PP. Either you tell her that she's a freeloading CF and needs to do one. Or you take some steps to limit your interactions with her.

Put her on restricted on social media. Keep the door locked and put a bolt on your garden gate. If she tries to get in then tell her it's a bad time and you are just about to go out.

Personally I would tell her straight rather than faff about with locks and bolts and pretending to go out. If she's truly a friend then she'll take it on the chin. If she stomps off in a huff then you're no worse off are you?

to be fair, start standing up for yourself.. " i cant feed you and your child" " please dont go through my cupboards and take my food, thats very rude!" etc .. just start being brutally honest its the only way she will learn AND then maybe you will end up with a good relationship with her OR she will back off as she was only using you in the first place.

Anyone who knows me knows NEVER to turn up invited. I turn from friend to enemy in a second when people do that.

Text her and say not to do that in future, you don't want to be surprised by guests.

If she doesn't like it, she can fuck off and it's a win win all round.

Ps if people can just 'let themselves in' you may need to step up a security in your home.

Your friend's behavior would annoy me, but in all honesty yours does too! You cannot change other people so change yourself. We've all told a white lie before but this isn't necessary with this friend. She will only understand blunt truths. Remember too that less is more. You don't have to explain yourself. Stop using the word busy and say you have plans. I do this with work if I'm asked to cover a shift. I don't want to so I just say I have plans. Occasionally I'm asked what I'm 'up to' and I give vague replies like 'oh you know, catching up on life admin and family stuff'. If she says 'let me know when you're done' reply 'well shall we make a plan for a day in the week if you fancy doing something?' If she just turns up, be blunt. If you choose to, have a cup of tea (but she sounds the sort to take a mile) then say Right, lovely seeing you. Oh look, little Johnny's hungry. I think that's your cue to go home. 👋
This is really down to you. Don't imagine she'll miraculously have a personality change.

This.

also a quick text - please can you text or phone next time and check it’s convenient
X and I are prioritising our alone time as we settle into our new home

Stop being such a wet blanket and stand up for yourself. Just say no. You can't have her child. You are bringing this all upon yourself.

Why are you letting her in? Why are you just allowing her to go through your cupboards and help herself. Don't answer the door or tell her to bugger off, hell with that kind of behaviour I'd stand on the other side of the door smiling and waving whilst not letting her in. If she tries to bum smokes just reply with sorry I'm quitting and don't let on that you have any. Cheeky bitch

She let herself in? You need to keep the door locked. Anyone could let themselves in and help themselves to anything and they clearly did!

You need to be firm.

Easier said than done i absolutely know because I got myself into this situation before (more than once I'm embarrassed to admit!)

If she turns up have a sentence you have rehearsed on repeat.

"I'm told you I can't host you today. I'll text when I'm free" or something similar.

Then when you text suggest meeting up outside if your house - park/beach/splash park and be clear you're taking a picnic for you LO(s).

Put the boundaries in place so that when you meet up in future you don't end up back in a situation where she turns up with hungry kids expecting to be fed