To actually feel suicidal due to no sleep

[hunyouok]

I have not slept more than 3 hours for 14 months. Since my baby was born I'm in this living hell. It actually makes me suicidal and I have no idea what to do. Whenever you tell ppl they just kind of say oh it's baby's they'll grow out of it. I haven't had a single hours worth of sleep where he isn't on me in 14 months. I'm losing the will to live. No one understand and there's still massively high expectations from me.

Hello! I saw this and didn’t want to scroll on by. Firstly, if you actually feel suicidal, PLEASE call the Samaritans. Posting on here that you’re having a rough time is brave of you and I’m glad you did. It might not feel like it but you’re doing an amazing job. My baby is a year old now but I had no idea how awful sleep deprivation was until I had her. It honestly made me feel so depressed. Like not even fully human at times. But I PROMISE you it gets better. You will feel rested again. Do you have much support at home? Friends or family who could help you get some rest? Keep talking, it’s good to get it off your chest.

Have you tried controlled crying. Honestly was a game changer for me. Everyone slept through the night and felt sane and a good parent again.
Hang in there. It will pass. It will. At the very least can someone have baby while you get some sleep or are you a solo parent?

Is there not anyone that can have the baby while you sleep?

Oh this is really hard, I am so sorry.

Please remember you don't really want to die - your thoughts and feelings will change once you have enough sleep. I totally get that feeling of not feeling like a proper person when extremely sleep deprived, and feeling like you can never be okay again.

It's your brain tricking you into thinking things can't get better, but they will. I know they're very painful now with the sleep deprivation but honestly suicide isn't the answer.

No of course YANBU. That sounds utterly horrific and not sustainable at all. I second both the previous posters: definitely speak to someone about how you’re feeling. And also have you tried some form of sleep training? I know some online sleep consultants offer free sessions and it might be worth trying one of those just to see if there’s a method you would be comfortable trying or just for some moral support/additional input. I am sending you strength and thinking of you.

Can someone you trust take him for a day or two so you can just go to bed and sleep? My firstborn didn’t sleep through until she was two. I promise you it will get better. You might have to just leave him in a safe place and let him cry while you call the Samaritans. Can you do that now?

You need to tell someone how you’re feeling and ask them to have the baby while you sleep, just bringing it to you for feeds if necessary. I had a baby like this and it really does send you half insane.

You absolutely have to tell someone, anyone. And get some sleep.

I don't have any new advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
If you have no one that will help it's OK to put him somewhere safe after a feed and nappy change, shut the door, pop some ear buds in and some white noise to sleep alone.
If you need to do it you need to do it, baby will survive and once you've had a night's rest try and think again tomorrow about what help you can get in anyway possible.

Can you have anyone help you? If you are in London i would help you.

Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture. Truly. It is not surprising that you feel this way. Reach out to someone, anyone to take baby off your hands for a few hours. Go to a GP immediately, call 111 if necessary. Do sleep training, your baby probably needs it too, but you definitely do. Pay for a sleep consultant rather than trying to figure it out for yourself.

YANBU - chronic sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture. DC2 was a terrible sleeper and it drove me half insane.
As others have said upthread, is there anyone who can take DS as an emergency step so you can get some sleep?
In the longer term, a sleep consultant might be worth a try. I'd also try your GP - they might be able to refer DS to a sleep clinic or prescribe melatonin etc.
Thinking of you & hoping you get some rest soon.

@hunyouok
Please see your health visitor or GP and explain how you are feeling.

A lovely friend {four children 🤣} inc twins said she still thinks back to the dark days when one of hers just would not sleep and it was utterly horrible for her.
She still speaks of it with horror {teenager now}.

Some children are just demanding.

I remember the dazed sleep deprivation of early weeks- you definitely need coping techniques to get your baby to settle .

This WILL pass, but sleep deprivation is ghastly. No wonder you feel so desperate.

Do look into sleep training.

I feel this in my bones. For all those recommending sleep training - it just doesn’t work for some babies. I tried and tried and tried to sleep train mine using a variety of methods for weeks at a time and he did not sleep longer than three hours (and only longer than two hours a handful of times) until about 19 months. He still wakes several times a night, and I am often up for the day around 5.

All this to say: I get you, OP. I hear you. None of this is your fault or the result of choices you did or didn’t make. Some kids are just wired this way, and people whose kids slept, even if they woke up a couple of times a night, just won’t get it.

However, suicide is not the answer. I also felt suicidal, but what got me through is thinking about my little one growing up without a mum. I couldn’t do that to him.

Ignore the well-meaning advice from people who haven’t been there (I felt my lowest after three straight weeks of sleeping no more than an hour at a time and four hours a night while trying to sleep train - don’t even try to go there). Focus on maximizing your sleep any way you can. If you need to go to sleep at 7 to get a few more minutes in, do it. If you can, nap. Get help if it’s available - relatives, friends, partner, anyone who can look after LO for an hour or two while you sleep. It is truly hell. And do call Samaritans if you are thinking seriously about it.

I understand.
It's pointless people giving you suggestions of strategies to try and improve the situation,

implementing change requires energy that is just not available.
Is there any chance you have enough money to get a night nanny?

No disrespect, one of the most important things with sleep training is being consistent, so if you tried different methods that probably confused your baby and maybe why it didn't work. But I also agree with you that yes some babies I'm sure are easier than others. This is also why I've said to pay a sleep consultant because this is serious, don't waste your time trying to figure it out, pay a professional.

I wasn’t clear (still sleep deprived), but what I meant was that I tried one method for three weeks, made no progress and became a shell of a human, took several weeks to recover, tried a different method for three weeks, rinse and repeat. After 19 months I had had a lot of time to try out different methods while still being consistent!

Also I would be reluctant to pay for a sleep consultant, because there isn’t really any science behind fixing infant sleep. We don’t even really know what ‘normal’ infant sleep is supposed to look like. There are no real certifications in sleep training, so you’re just paying for someone else’s opinion, not expertise.

Again, respectfully disagree as there is a bit of science. Day sleep affects night sleep, if a baby is overtired/undertired during the day then night sleep is affected. When they are younger, red meat can also affect them sleeping at night due to certain proteins in it. I swear by it, my baby started sleeping about 6 hours more in a 24 hour period after my sleep consultant gave me a day nap routine and sleep training. It only took about 2-3 days, it was amazing. He immediately went to one wakeup at night, and within a few weeks sleeping 12 hours. All of my friends also did it, with varying results (most slept for 12 hours, although some still would have one wake up at night and still do). People do study it, my friend has recently been studying it and is now a sleep consultant herself. I also think the money is worth it given OPs situation, as part of it is having the support as well. You could google it, but then if something doesn't happen like you think it should then at least you have that support and advice on hand. To me that's really what you're paying for as the information you can google. Anyway, I think it's definitely worth the money, best money I ever spent. And certainly worth it for OP given how desperate she is. I also agree re PP who said a night nanny, and also getting someone else to help with baby. Do anything and everything possible.

Pls do sleep train. My friends paid for a sleep trainer and within 3 days he was sleeping through the night with no issues. He’s slept through the night ever since.

He’s 15 months now and they did sleep training when he was around 9/10 months. Pls look into it for your own sanity!

Please stop with the sleep training advice. She needs sleep, not to undergo a stressful regiment. OP, please make those calls to get help so you can sleep. You can also bring him to a crisis nursery.

Assuming there is no drip feed of medical issues etc, you need to sleep train this child.
Is a sleep consultant a possibility?
Otherwise, I did controlled crying myself and it was very straight forward.

Please ask for help and get at least a week of sleep yourself. Family? Friend? Nanny?

Then once you have half a chance of thinking clearly, either begin a sleep training process or hire a consultant.

I know it is so expensive, but truly, it’s worth it because it is life changing. My only regret was not doing it sooner.

I’m thinking of you. You really need to dig deep and ask for help from anyone and everyone. It’s torture and you need and deserve help.

Do you have a partner? A family member? A friend? Anyone who could help. Honestly if a friend of mine was in this level of distress I’d go over and cuddle the baby so she could sleep.

Also please reach out for help from your GP or Health Visitor (might not be right term sorry I’m not in UK).

And ignore the smug people who assume you haven’t tried their method or haven’t done it properly or consistently. Some babies do not sleep, no matter what you do. I have friends who have employed sleep consultants, gone to live in sleep schools, done everything and they’ve been told I am sorry this works for 99% of babies but not for yours.

I was where u are op! I got to the 14 month stage and cracked completely. What I also feel sad about looking back now is how all my loved ones allowed me to get into this state without seeing how destroyed I was.

I got a sleep consultant and it was the best thing I have ever done. She listened to me! Thought about our family needs and gave me small bite size things to do each night so that I only had to focus on something small. We very gently sleep trained for about two weeks and made differences in that time. Then she advised a final push with a gentle cry it out method and I saw an instant change, by night 3 my child was sleeping and I was able to start coming out of my nightmare and actually living!
there is help out there for u! Good luck!

I also hired a sleep consultant when my
LO was up every 40 mins throughout the night and wouldn’t settle unless I gently rocked her. I was dangerously tired. For me, it was also the best money I ever spent and for months afterwards I kept telling people I would have paid triple the amount for the results I got!