To actually feel suicidal due to no sleep

[hunyouok]

I have not slept more than 3 hours for 14 months. Since my baby was born I'm in this living hell. It actually makes me suicidal and I have no idea what to do. Whenever you tell ppl they just kind of say oh it's baby's they'll grow out of it. I haven't had a single hours worth of sleep where he isn't on me in 14 months. I'm losing the will to live. No one understand and there's still massively high expectations from me.

Does your baby have additional or medical needs that cause this?
If not, please look into sleep training. Controlled crying worked for us in a few nights for a few children.

It's so brutal to be tortured by lack of sleep, sorry.

My DS was an abysmal sleeper so I can really sympathise. I would leave him with DH when I was utterly exhausted and needed to sleep. Personally, we found co-sleeping was the solution then around the age of 2, DS finally started sleeping through.

Where is baby's dAd?

You are not alone OP, sleep deprivation will f you up.

Immediately, call someone - friend/family/colleague/neighbour/anyone
Get some help - GP, health visitor, midwife etc. Call 111 if you are struggling to get anywhere.

Secondly - medium term solution, put something in place for the short to medium term. People you know that can help, if even for a few hours. Pay someone if needed, someone said a night nanny (not sure what this is but possibly expensive, but I would say worth it), even a local babysitter, much cheaper option and they can help for a few hours a day/night

Thirdly - definitely look into sleep training. Just pay a sleep consultant, don't try and figure it out by yourself. It works. You need to address the root cause so this can stop. Your baby is probably equally exhausted.

Given how you're feeling, please be honest and reach out to someone to help you with the above steps. It's surprising you're even functioning after this long. Get help. Any help. Be honest with what is going on and how you are feeling. Dont do it alone. You will be ok, you just need some sleep.

I was assuming she must be cosleeping

I completely empathise with you. Lack of sleep is pure torture and there were definitely times I felt low enough to start having suicidal thoughts. Please call Samaritans or contact your GP if you are feeling low and depressed.

As pp have said, if you have anybody (partner, family, close friend) who you trust to watch baby for the night so you can get some proper sleep, please ask them! I know sometimes one can feel like a burden to others when asking for help with kids, but just one proper sleep is honestly a game changer in this situation.

I don’t know much about sleep training, but the things that have helped get my kids (and me!) to sleep have been:

• White noise (app on phone)
• Projector globe that projects pictures on ceiling.
• distracting them with dancing vegetable videos on YouTube so I could get another hour of sleep. (Accept this is controversial and I’d probably get attacked for this but you do what you gotta do when you need sleep!)
• Weaning off BF and giving a big bottle of formula before bed.
• Putting them in their own room (if they aren’t already) for my second baby.
• co-sleeping (I only did this past 1 year) and/or holding their hand to get them to sleep for my first baby.
• Listening when they start crying and not going in straight away. Sometimes they don’t ‘proper cry’ and go back to sleep again by themselves.
• Making sure they don’t nap too long in the day or too close to bedtime.

Every child is different however and these things might not work for you.

I really wish you the best and want to remind you that you are only feeling this way due to sleep deprivation. Please get support for your mental health if you think you need it. Remember that you love your baby and it will get easier one day! I promise!

My friend alternated nights with her husband in a makeshift bed in the garage. They each got a full undisturbed nights sleep every other night. A car would do if you're literally suicidal.
Ridiculous as it sounds.

I understand OP, I've been there. Not suicidal but deeply depressed due to the constant exhaustion from lack of sleep. A PP is right, hints and tips on how to change the situation (although well meaning) won't make you feel any better right now as you don't have the energy to implement them. Same with the 'this will pass' comments, of course it will, you know it will, but that doesn't help right now whilst you are in the thick of it.

It's hell, utter hell but we have no option but to push through.

Agree with PP, don't bother with 'it will pass'. Seek help now. Well done with making the first step and starting this thread. Now seek help from someone in RL

Could you afford a night nanny? A friend used them on a couple of occasions to regroup. Even if not, could a friend take the baby out for a few hours for you to sleep?

I get it - solutions seem impossible as you’re so tired. If you genuinely do not have a single person who can come and help you, talk to your health visitor about organisations which might be able to help.

Where are the crisis nurseries? I just had a Google and couldn't find much in the UK. It sounds like a really good thing though.

Sleep train. There’s not many reasons a 14 month old shouldn’t be sleeping for decent chunks. If there’s a Dad on the scene he should be doing half the wake ups / alternating nights.

I understand what some pps are saying about the fact OP needs sleep now, which she does of course, but the issue needs resolving at its core otherwise she’ll get one night of sleep and the next night be back to square one.

I don't believe in cry it out but in your situation, I'd actually try it.
Your mental health is struggling to a point you're feeling suicidal so do whatever it takes to get your baby into a sleep schedule.
Do you have family/friends that can take baby for a weekend so you can stay in bed for a couple of days?

Op first of all you have absolutely done the right thing reaching out for help. Lots of people have given you good sleep training advice which is great. We don't really know the full picture or what sleep techniques you have already tried. I'm mostly interested in you and what you are feeling right now. You need support to help you through this. What you are feeling is purely due to sleep deprivation - it messes with your head. It's mental and physical torture. I understand Op as I've been there myself.

Is there anyone you can ask for support from? Someone you trust that could have your child over night, not for one night but for a few to give you a break?
If not is there anyone you can speak honestly to about how it's affecting you?

You need to speak to your GP - I know its Saturday so it can't be untill Monday. You need a F2F with them. Don't be fobbed off by the receptionist. You should have an urgent appointment. Write down how you have been feeling before you see them.

Do you have any contact with Health visitors? They can help you with support and with the babies sleep or issues if the have any and refer on to appropriate agencies if required.

When I experienced this Op it was sheer hell and iI regret not getting some hep sooner. You will get through this and feel like yourself again.
If your struggling please ring the Samaritans especially at night when I personally found it worse. The number is 116 123 and its 24hrs a day. Sometimes just a person listening when you're at you're wits end can help. Please feel free to private message me Op. I look back on when I went through slepp deprivation can't believe I didn't reach out for help. I'm so glad you have.

How do you feel about sleep training? We did gentle sleep training (only leaving short increments of time before going in and comforting). It worked within three days. And DC seemed so rested and confident the morning after their first night of sleep (usually broken every 45 mins).

This! Sleep training doesn't always work and some babies are just 'low sleep need' I had this with my first, we were up for 4 hours in the middle of the night. Multiple awake times and she cut naps really early. Shes absolutely fine now, sleeps all night, in her own bed. When I stopped fighting her to sleep and just let her be she found her own rhythm.

I digress though ... this isn't about getting the baby to sleep, it's about getting you to sleep and feeling better!

Absolutely reach out to someone, if you have a partner, family or trusted friend you need to lean on them. If they can take the baby overnight every so often that will help. My girl actually slept better at her nans as it was a different routine, and she was so excited to sleep in a new bed.

Have you tried cosleeping? Not a long term fix but may get you some extra hours sleep that you need.

Ignore everything else, washing and cleaning can wait. As soon as he closes his eyes, you need to settle down too.

I really hope you get some rest, please speak to samaritans or your GP if you are feeling suicidal.

This needs addressing at the core issue. Sleep deprivation is very damaging.

I'm so sorry. It's hell, I know.
I've been there and I remember how the gaslighting (people pretending I was mentally ill or being silly rather than well, yes, ill from chronic sleep deprivation) made it so much harder, just when you need understanding and care.

It does get better, I promise.

All the obvious things like cutting down sugar and caffeine and screens aside, I do regret not doing controlled crying or bottle feeding (I breastfed for years)...but as a pp has said, every baby is different and some just don't sleep much.

I promise it gets better. Look after yourself best you can. Hugs.

I shouldn't have assumed. There are 2 in my city, but maybe they are called something else? I've been donating to one for 20 years.

OP, above advice is best one ever for short term. That is exactly what I had to do. Once you have had a good night sleep you ll be sble to think a bit more clearly and explore options, ie controlled crying, massage, yoga etc.
My youngest didn't sleep for two years, it was mentally and physically exhausting, beyond anything I can explain. I remember hitting my head on the pillow and wanted to infuse myself in the bed? I was so tired. It cause me depression, irritability, my relationships suffered , I was even unable to hold a conversation as I was so tired and triggered autoimmune deseases.

My first was a dreadful sleeper, so I know how you feel. If only I had known about controlled crying! There’s far too much pressure on parents to stop babies crying. Well, breaking news! Babies cry and some never seem to stop. Our DS was one of those and looking back, I’m sure we made things worse.

Do controlled crying @hunyouok, you have to for your own sanity. Don’t just try it, persist with it as it absolutely works. Research clearly shows that babies do not come to any harm and in fact, when everyone is getting more sleep, they are happier.

My son is an adult now but I still feel the anguish from having so little sleep. 💐

OP are you a lone parent? I am and I fixed this by co-sleeping I had to prioritise sleep as I was back at work when DD was 4 months old.

If you have a partner on the scene you need to tell them to take the baby out whilst you get some sleep.

Lots of other great advice on here from other posters about sleep training though.

If you have a local Home Start, although they don't help with sleep, they might provide other support to help you while you're so exhausted. Any parent can self-refer.

You need to stop baby sleeping on you, and help them settle themselves. It's even more shit for the 1st few days and you'll feel like you're going mad but then you get results. At night time, low lighting, no response/interaction and gently soothe in their own space.

I was stupid in hindsight with my 1st and like something from the Walking Dead by the time she was 18 months old, by the 3rd I'd cracked it and we had a very calm settled baby just because they were able to self soothe.

It'll get better. Hang in there.

I am usually against CIO or controlled crying in most circumstances… but I think your situation absolutely warrants it, OP. You can’t continue this way. I notice you haven’t posted since your OP - please come and update us