Truth Bombs - good for improving people or hurtful and unnecessary?

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I've always been a fan of a truth bomb, like only when I've got the the absolute end of my tether with someone. At that point I will usually give it to them with both barrels, just truth about them and their behaviour, nothing nasty added.

But lately I've been thinking, maybe I just need to walk away and have space from them and not tell them anything.

I always felt like if it was me, and I'd pissed someone off to the point it was ruining our relationship or friendship, I would want to know why. So I've always given people a very clear understanding of why I'm so upset.

But lately, I think, maybe it's just harsh and I need to keep my trap shut and have time and distance between us.

Please show me the right way to be. As I think I'm probably doing it wrong. Ta

Why would you let any kind of relationship get to the point where you’re so pent up that you feel you have to .’give it both barrels’?

There are ways of dealing with these things without going all out and it ending a friendship.

If you’re at the point where you give someone both barrels, then it’s too far.

it doesn’t need to be a truth bomb. What about just being honest as things go instead of going along with behaviours you don’t agree with?

This is the thing, I often don't notice their slights initially, then when I notice them, I'm forgiving as we all have faults, then eventually, something happens and I unleash everything.

I just don't get the memo before that point.

Agree with PP. Why does it have to be a bomb? Why can’t it be an honest one-to-one chat?

It's often my partner, less so friends, I did it to a boss once. And to my dad.

I can’t imagine any scenario where it would be normal or healthy to do this to friends on regular occasions.

Ive only ever once sat a friend down and had a word with them, and it was because it was clear her boyfriend was abusive (wouldn’t even let her speak). I was willing to risk the friendship over begging her to reconsider. She realised herself 12 months later when he did terrible things and she left him. We are still good friends.

Ha - I don't know. Depends if you're bothered about maintaining the relationship.

I gave my SIL a truth bomb lately about her weird controlling behaviour and it felt fucking great. But I only did it because I'm not really bothered about seeing her much, if at all (with DH's blessing).

If you are keen to maintain the relationship, I wouldn't do it.

If the relationship is worth salvaging in any way, a truth bomb is not the best way to go about airing issues.
Even the very phrase 'truth bomb' - a bomb is intended to destroy, that's it's purpose.
If you want to actually resolve the issue, better to approach it before the anger sets in and see how that goes - if they take it on board, hurrah, you move forward. If not, you know you gave them the info they needed and they chose not to act, so you can step away without feeling bad. I know that's easier said than done, of course!

Truth bombs as you describe them - hurtful and unnecessary.

Being honest and upfront with someone in a nice way - normally good for improving relationships (not necessarily people).

This sounds more like you have anger issues, struggle to control your emotions and/or struggle to communicate effectively.
This is about you.

Yes but I just feel like i notice something, and will generally overlook it until it is at braking point, then I can't hold back.

I think I need to learn to have the chat before I get to braking point.

Yes but I just feel like i notice something, and will generally overlook it until it is at braking point, then I can't hold back.

I think I need to learn to have the chat before I get to braking point.

It depends on what you’re hoping to achieve.

If something bothers you mention it at the point of you first noticing it and resolve it with a chat. Then it won’t devolve into you giving them both barrels.

If it was me, the second that I realise that they were doing something hurtful, I’d mention it. Then depending on what it is and their response I would forgive and move on.

if they did it again, I would simply distance myself from them. Depending on what it is of course.

When you’re at the point where you’re giving out truth bombs, you’ve gone too far.

This sounds more about you and your inability to cope, rather than about them.

As you say, we all have faults but it sounds like you build things up inside until you're not longer able to cope and so it leads to an angry/emotional outpouring that you've given a twee name to - 'truth bomb'.

Learn to spot the triggers in future and to talk to people before you hit bursting point.

Do you actually think that the people on the receiving end of your "truth bombs" reflect on and regret their behaviour, or do you think its more likely they just think you are irrational/unkind/mistaken?

A friend once 'truth* bombed' me, unexpectedly and out of nowhere, and it broke me. I will never forgive her for being so unnecessarily cruel.

*it was her truth, but not mine. No-one else in my many years of life has ever expressed a problem with me. If I wasn't her type of person and she no longer wanted to be friends, there are any number of ways she could have addressed it. It's not compulsory to make people feel absolutely shit when you tire of them.

I honestly don't understand why people like you think that this is okay.

Yea I pretty much knew it was me and my behaviour I need to improve, but I didn't know how. It's like I think I'm a nice person for forgiving because we are supposed to forgive each other of our little slights.

But I'm nice nice nice nice nice, then the final straw snaps and I'm like ' why do you always do xxx, blah blah blah.

It feels good to get it off my chest, but then I think afterwards it might feel harsh.

Yes they are usually an excuse to be nasty.

Relationships need managing as you go, that way you can have boundaries without being deliberately hurtful.

Catch yourself on

Not quite sure why you would ever think you would "improve" anyone by giving them your subjective impression of what they're doing wrong?

If you've felt the need to do this many times across several relationships then you might what to have a think about what (or who...) the common denominator is that gets things to this point.

There's nothing wrong with having clear boundaries etc but nothing should build up to the point of a "truth bomb".

So I'm absolutely team hideous and unnecessary. You might think you're not adding anything nasty, but I'm willing to bet that's not how it's viewed from the other side.

Kudos to you for realising that it might not have been the best path of action though.

"nice nice nice nice nice" is overrated.

If this forum is anything to go by, the things you would get 'to the end of your tether' about, are probably things that are fairly irrelevant quirks that human beings have about them, including you.

Why there is a fad for all this naval gazing and obsession about 'telling it like it is' or 'my friend talks non stop about her child/job/shoes - how should I tell her to stop'

Jesus, either be friends with her and engage and nod along or drift away. Why do you think your view is so important that you have to share it and people need to take notice?

So essentially you're swinging from one extreme to the other, when it's far healthier simply to be yourself (though what and who that is can take some time to discover).

Seems like you just love the drama. You're not living in Eastenders, you can't just deliver a dramatic monologue of what you think is 'truth' and not expect consequences. You need to get over yourself.

You’re not forgiving them (and you shouldn’t necessarily). You are ignoring behaviour that upsets you to avoid confronting it in a grown up way. A way that might result in an exchange that challenges your behaviour as much as theirs when they put their side across, but which would be far more truthful that than the “truth bomb” you end up unloading on them without any opportunity for them to adjust or counter your narrative.

Thanks, yes it's not a regular thing, I blew up at my partner after we've been together 2 and a half years. I blew up at my dad after about 10 years of him messing me and my brothers around. I blew up at a boss who was making an organisation seriously toxic, for months and months we all suffered because of him, and one day I just told him how he made everyone feel.

I can't think of others but this last one with my partner has really got me thinking.

My dads built over a long time, many years of him neglecting his family.

My partner always had one excuse after another to not do anything around the house, every night, too tired, another night, too stressed after work, I've had months of this. So in the last few days I've had a massive go and told him he's lazy and full of excuses.

I know it's not the best way to deal with it, it's like the last state territory.

I'll try to catch it and deal with it earlier.