Truth Bombs - good for improving people or hurtful and unnecessary?

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I've always been a fan of a truth bomb, like only when I've got the the absolute end of my tether with someone. At that point I will usually give it to them with both barrels, just truth about them and their behaviour, nothing nasty added.

But lately I've been thinking, maybe I just need to walk away and have space from them and not tell them anything.

I always felt like if it was me, and I'd pissed someone off to the point it was ruining our relationship or friendship, I would want to know why. So I've always given people a very clear understanding of why I'm so upset.

But lately, I think, maybe it's just harsh and I need to keep my trap shut and have time and distance between us.

Please show me the right way to be. As I think I'm probably doing it wrong. Ta

Absolutely just an opportunity to be nasty.

I had a friend that used to go around saying she always says what she thinks, she doesn't lie, no bullshit, straight shooter and she expects the same back etc. Cue a social event she was arranging on Facebook, being an absolutely bitch to people that hadn't been able to make it the year before and demanding more effort, so I basically told her that her tone was rude and that people would absolutely go if they were able.

Guess who has never spoken to me since, rallied every single other person involved so get them to agree what an awful human being I am etc.

I did this because the mutual friends were already bitching about her on a seperate chat, so I took her at face value and said what I felt directly to her rather than get involved with the two faced crap.

It's funny people can't cope with being notified of their own behaviours but wantonly go around "truthing" people about theirs.

truth bomb is just abuse - but supposedly "justified". "I screamed at her and told her she was lazy because she needed to be told" "I told her she was fat and ugly because she's let herself go and needs to wake up" "I finally gave him both barrels because I think he disrespects me and i'm not having it!" "I told him he was a *** and that no-one can actually stand him - and that he needs to take a good look at himself" (But it "the truth" so it's ok!)>

I have never done it and never been on the receiving end of it. Horrible behaviour.

It is harsh, but my behaviour hadn't been harming others, whereas when I've done it, it's to point out the harm being caused by their behaviour so that they don't continue.

So when it happens to you, you don't deserve it. But when you do it to others, it's totally righteous.

The key to your question is in the word, it's a bomb. It goes off unexpectedly and causes and explosion and damage.

You need to learn how to notice what's bothering you and say it before it's a bomb..

*an explosion

I think your use of the phrase truth bomb is unfortunately taking the attention away from the real issue which is " I'm nice nice nice nice nice, then the final straw snaps".

It's one of the classic behaviours resulting from a lack of assertiveness.

Bet you're one of those twats who justifies this stuff by telling people

"you know me, I say it as I see it, I tell it how it is"

Roughly translated as

"you know me, I'm a rude fucker"

And who tell themselves this lack of assertiveness is a good thing, because it makes them so nice. Then when they give an abusive explosion, having allowed the situation to continue because they never had the guts to communicate the issue sooner and the subject didn't know anything was wrong, that's also only because they're so good.

Yes, exactly. It does no one involved any favours.

(Though the term, which I’ve never come across before this thread, is also distracting me — I was imagining it as somewhere between a bath bomb and a glitter bomb, but with anger issues, plus probably even more to clear up afterwards…)

I think its really positive that you've recognised some of the ways that this might not be helpful OP. I agree that trying to have the conversation more calmly and at an earlier point is better, although I agree that's not always easy.

From a personal perspective, my sister "bombed" me once. It was absolutely horrible to be on the receiving end of and in all honesty it has damaged our relationship. We have repaired things to a degree but I don't open up to or confide in her at all now really as the trust has gone from my side.

Yes, exactly this. To an extent it’s gendered socialisation, obviously, but that’s something we all have to undo in ourselves. I was raised by a chronic people pleaser with huge amounts of suppressed anger she was completely unconscious of, and I was a miserable and unhelpful set of scripts to grow up with. ‘Everyone’s a user and just in it for themselves, but you can still never, EVER say no to anyone, because then they will have cause to dislike you, which is far more important than your feelings about them’.

And yes, good on you, OP, from starting to unpick some of this script in yourself. It will improve your life unimaginably if you learn assertiveness before getting to the stage of a resentful explosion.

This reminds me of people that 'say it how it is'. I've aways thought it's just an excuse to be a bully or rude. Your truth may not be someone else's, its just your perspective and may be skewed. Opening a two way conversation and really listening would be a better way to go.

good for improving people

I don't think a 'truth bomb' is ever likely to 'improve' a person. If someone has been treating you badly for a long period and you've said nothing, it might be justified and make you feel better, but it won't change the other person's behaviour.

I don't think she is. She's one of those people who hasn't learned to have a healthy confrontation because no one has ever shown her how. The fact that her truthbomb at work led to positive changes shows it wasn't unwarranted.

I'd suggest reading nice girls don't get the corner office as a start.

Interesting thread. I’m like you OP - wish I could spot the issues before the last straw seems to connect the other straws before I even noticed the other straws. I do wish people would tell me home truths as I undoubtedly and unknowingly do things that annoy or hurt others. I have always had an incline that if people don’t show their true emotions to things that people cause (I’m not talking about insecurities where people are being hurt by things that are not happening) then it leads to a place where people go through life oblivious to how they affect people and which means it’s easier to to believe the aggrieved is the problem when somebody does raise something.

(I’m not talking about insecurities where people are being hurt by things that are not happening)

But to these people, these things are happening. Who's the arbiter?

I suppose that’s when things are messy and communication issues are difficult to overcome. If the aggrieved leads with ‘I know I’m probably reading into this but..’ there’s already a power imbalance. I find that people can be unconsciously or consciously unforgiving in these situations.

When I was younger I was always giving people advice and trying to comfort them (usually friends in messy relationships) and guess what? They didn’t care! They just did what they wanted anyway. I realised they didn’t want my opinion but just wanted to vent.

Now I just listen and not take other people too seriously. Recently a young friend was complaining about her boyfriend. Before I would say “leave him!” but this time I just asked “have you told your mum about this? what does she think?” Because she is very close to her mum and she knows her mum has her best interests in heart.

Conversely, I’m very bad at being assertive and telling people if they have upset me or addressing my needs. Usually I would repress my thoughts and the bad feelings will build up until I explode completely out of proportion to what they’ve actually done.

I’m learning to address things much quicker. But you can do that in a clear, gentle way and give the other person to say their piece too (even if you still disagree with them).

“Honesty without empathy is cruelty” - Bell Hooks

I think you are doing a good thing, to rethink how you approach people, although your lazy partner sounds like he deserves it. But I think you need to be careful about "switching" to calling things out as you go along. You might switch from one sort of unreasonable to another. Trying to "be kind", and it's various forms, should definitely not be a default, but nor should pointing out every minor irritation or niggle. I think Xeren talks sense

Having read all of your posts OP, I really agree with the posters who said you need to work on your boundaries. If you've been brought up to 'be nice' and to minimise or ignore behaviour that upsets you, you've basically never been taught that it's ok to have boundaries and to have a healthy conversation when they're crossed. As an adult, you're now stuck between the extremes of being 'nice' and accommodating behaviour that you shouldn't and then blowing up when it gets too much.

It can feel exhilarating in the short-term to drop a 'truth bomb', but if you want to maintain these relationships then it's just not a productive way of dealing with things.

Whenever I see the word "slight" i am reminded of this:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201304/wound-collectors

OK my post could have been shortened to EXACTLY THIS.

Same people that are then horrified when people give as good as they get.