Truth Bombs - good for improving people or hurtful and unnecessary?

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Hi

So I've always been a fan of a truth bomb, like only when I've got the the absolute end of my tether with someone. At that point I will usually give it to them with both barrels, just truth about them and their behaviour, nothing nasty added.

But lately I've been thinking, maybe I just need to walk away and have space from them and not tell them anything.

I always felt like if it was me, and I'd pissed someone off to the point it was ruining our relationship or friendship, I would want to know why. So I've always given people a very clear understanding of why I'm so upset.

But lately, I think, maybe it's just harsh and I need to keep my trap shut and have time and distance between us.

Please show me the right way to be. As I think I'm probably doing it wrong. Ta

I did this a few times years ago. I felt like a bit of an unkind dick afterwards and found better ways of dealing with it.
Why does your partner put up with it?

My family are all very passive aggressive and will moan and bitch behind people's backs. I am very different and prefer to say it as it is, resolve issues and move on. This goes down like a fart in a lift where my df are concerned!

This.

It's happened to me too and it took years to get over.

Just one person in almost six decades of living who painted a picture of me I didn't even faintly recognise. Retrospectively they were a judgemental arse with an impressive collection of ex-friends.

It was definitely them, not me.

(I've had relationships break down and I'm happy to recognise my many culpabilities in those situations. This was something quite different. It's the only person I've never spoken to ever again. My first marriage broke up 25 years ago and I've been on good speaking terms with my ex for all that time. I'm not naturally one to engage with the nuclear option!)

Odd that you think it’s an acceptable way to behave instead of fixing things before you get to the point of explosion. Are you like this with children, or only adults?
I’ve never continued a friendship if someone loses control to that point. I don’t watch soap operas and have no wish to be part of one IRL.

Meet each other in the middle, continue to communicate and theres' no need to go ballistic on people.....as the 'truth bombs' may potentially destroy good friendships and relationships.

The phrase truth bomb is mega wankery and makes it sound like the person giving it is super self involved. Like this is my truth fuck the rest of you.

I feel like a better approach is to have strong boundaries and enforce them regularly. Like don't put up with 2 years of shit from a boyfriend before you blow up. It makes people feel their behaviour is acceptable in the intervening time. In addition it makes you look unreasonable even if your gripes are legit.

So yeah in general it's not a great approach to relationship management and it feels quite an immature approach, I wonder why you are such a fan?

I've never heard the expression "truth bomb" before. Sounds immature and unnecessary indeed.

And if they were to truth bomb you? All our 'truths' are different.

As well as being hurtful and unnecessary, they are pretty counterproductive.

If you blow up at someone, they go on the defensive and shut down, so won’t be open to compromise and change.

I bet your colleagues didn’t really appreciate you dropping them in it with telling the manager what “everyone” thought of them.

Think about it - did anything actually change after your “truth bombs”?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a truth bomb?

If not have you ever wondered why? Surely you don't think you are the only person on earth who has never been annoying, selfish, thoughtless etc at one time or another.

Perhaps your friends and family don't think they have the right to unload their truth on you when they are in a highly emotional state and wait until they know they are capable of discussing an issue with you in a respectful and rational manner.

I don't think letting someone have it with both barrels is a good way to improve relationships and I think it's a bit arrogant of you to decide when other people need improving and assigning yourself the job to make it happen.

You mention your dad was neglectful, this has likely impacted how you interact with people. Neglected kids tend to HAVE to ignore little things (and big things) because no one cares, they also don't learn how to have healthy interactions with people.
I say this as someone who also 'truth bombed' my neglectful parent and it achieved the grand sum of fuck all....except it made me feel better, it made me feel almost empowered. Temporarily. He didn't accept anything I'd said as true and being called a liar just continued the pattern of our relationship, me being hurt and him denying or not giving a shit about it. Any empowerment I felt was gone.

The fact you've you've posted about this shows you're not convinced it's the best way and the responses have confirmed others don't think that either.
I'm sorry to say it IS a sign that you are not dealing with things in a healthy adult fashion, but I don't with some of the more aggressive responses you've had here, I doubt you're entitled or you would say something the first time there was an issue, you likely don't because you don't think you're important enough to be making 'trivial' complaints about things that actually REALLY bother you.

I would look into getting some counselling if possible. Because this will fuck up your relationships.

Initially I was all for saying you're out of order. But... it's only been a handful of times? if it's reserved for truly arsehole behaviour then I think it's not that bad. But it would be better if you had been a bit more honest in the lead up and say you weren't happy with the behaviour.

The biggest mistake is you thinking that putting up with it in the first place makes you nice. If they're truly acting like arseholes you're not being nice by ignoring it, you're being a doormat. A doormat who reaches the end of her tolerance level and then explodes.

Sounds like it's with men and learned from the situation with your father — perhaps learned from seeing how your mother or others allowed your father to behave, or because you couldn't express your feelings or needs to him, so learned to repress them until they became too much?

In response to 'did anything change' my dad did tell me at a later date that he agreed with every point I made, however nothing changed.

The work situation improved for everyone, and the manager gave me a wide berth.

I think In both instances, I felt like I had received some justification that it was right.

With my partner, we're on the verge of breaking up because im sick of his behaviour.

I agree with everyone that says I should say things earlier. For both my dad and the boss, earlier conversations had been had with them about their behaviour, but by others, not me.

My query was should I truth bomb or just say nothing. And in fact everyone has pointed out a third way I hadn't considered.

I do try to be nice and accommodating as much as possible, over and again. And then the straw breaks the camels back. I realise that being nice and putting up with minor irks, is damaging and I need to be more truthful. It will actually be difficult because it's changing my usual demeanour. Thanks for the responses.

This does ring true, she and we put up with a lot. But back then, family's stayed together no matter what so everyone just put up with the irritations of another.

Yeah, my worry is that I don't even notice things that really bother me, for a long time, because I've learned to put up and shut up.

I guess I need to be more aware of how I feel in the moment. I'll try.

Yes a close friend did it, it was painful. I did agree with her points. We weren't friends for a couple of years and then came back together. It is harsh, but my behaviour hadn't been harming others, whereas when I've done it, it's to point out the harm being caused by their behaviour so that they don't continue. Like I said, my dad did continue, my boss didn't, my partner, well he's unlikely to be my partner for much longer, but I doubt he'll change.

Well your issue is you've learnt to "put up and shut up" Then when you can't tolerate it any longer you explode. This isn't healthy communication or behaviour. You should be able to assertively communicate your thoughts and feelings way earlier. Google assertive communication techniques and ways to manage your emotions. And sorry about your dad, it sounds rubbish.

I experience this too, I'd suggest you just walk away tho and avoid or limit contact with the person - no truth bombs. And work out and write down your boundaries, then whenever they are overstepped even if you're not offended as such, deal with it as you go. That way small things don't mount up to suddenly get explosive as they were never dealt with when they were small and easy to.

You make a good point about how I've let them think their behaviour is ok and when I do react, I look bad. That's what I need to absorb to make me speak it earlier.

It sounds like you have issues with communication if this is habitual ......you're going to ruin your life at some point.

What you are doing is, in a work context, called 'ruinous empathy', holding back on saying anything (giving feedback) because you regard it as 'forgiving' and you don't want to hurt the person's feelings, whereas it is much kinder to say something at an early stage and in a caring manner, so the person is aware of what they're doing and can choose to act on the feedback. And this stops it becoming a big deal.

I've never heard of the phrase "truth bomb", but to me it sounds horrid.

Who gave you the right to decide that someone needs "improving' and that your opinion is the only correct one and you are improving them by telling them it in an angry manner.

I'm sure what you are telling them is not the "truth" but just your opinion and your emotions.

There is nothing to say you know the 'truth' and that they need to be 'told' it.

You sound rather arrogant to be honest.

If someone upsets you, tell them, but don't go around believing you are the arbiter of all things true and they are just wrong and need your help to change.

It sounds like you live drama with all of this 'truth bomb' nonsense.

Grown adults have a reasonable conversation with their friends and family.

I had exactly the same experience from a family member with whom I had previously had a very close relationship - they unleashed a huge list of grievances going back twenty years. It was like shattering a pane of glass. It took over a year before I wanted to speak to them at all and then several very painful interactions to unravel the issues.

We’re ok to meet and chat on a casual basis now but the trust is gone and I don’t think we will ever be close again in the same way.