Upset With Neighbour

[justco]

I've changed username for this incase I get recognised in real life.
Earlier this morning my DH was shouting at me as we'd got back from holiday yesterday and he was going to collect the cat from the cattery and was asking how much it was, and started shouting as I didn't remember.

About an hour ago in the garden he was shouting at me about something else, whilst I was indoors. Shouting that I'm selfish, as he can't get to work next week as I've told him be can't borrow my car as I need it and basically shouting I think to get peoples attention and to embarrass me.

Anyway the lady next door likes a drink shall we say and started asking DH if he's ok, probably as he's shouting at me so she thinks I've done something to make him angry. Then he tells her he's ok and she puts her hand through the fence to hold his hand and say it's ok etc.
Then she lets go and is in her own garden and shouted "You C*" at the top of her voice. I'm guessing this is aimed at me.

I just feel so upset about it. Obviously she thinks I'm to blame. She really likes my DH as she's told me before as he's down to earth shall we say and I know she thinks I'm stuck up. I don't think I've given her reason to think I'm stuck up, we are just different people, we are same age and we have children but hers have left home and she lives there alone, whereas I had children later in life so mine are still at home. I work, she doesn't etc so I guess we are just different people.

What to do?

There's a couple of stuck up pricks on this thread who can fuck off.

OP, I'm rooting for you to see this through. Remind the kids that Dad's behaviour is not ok or normal and you are sorry they've had to see it and that you love them all the world, then make a plan and stick to it. Pull in all the support you can from friends, family and work, or from professionals if you need them. You are worth it.

Agreed.

It is awfully upsetting and confusing for a child to know that their father is scum.

They increasingly know that they share DNA with a waster of a father and a mother who tolerates a loser abusing her.

Conversely, so much better to know you come from a loser, but a strong mother who refuses to tolerate his disgusting behaviour and kicks him out.

Don't underestimate the shame and humiliation your children feel at their father shouting outside the home at you, knowing your neighbours can hear and think the family are the dregs.

This all contributes to how your children will feel about themselves.

Be strong, get him out.

Tbf I get riled up easy, so I would of spoken loudly in ear shot of her "darling you can't just get aggressive over an issue with the car, love you" he would prob bite at that and look like a twat 😂 as you sound so sweet. I'm majorly passive aggressive though.

I dealt with a manipulative ex, they would get nasty to provoke me till I was crying, then film me secretly suddenly going sweet trying to record me having a "mental breakdown" to make out I was a psycho then send it to my family members 😭
So I learnt to not react to being provoked by aggressive men. Now the more nasty they get the sweeter I get and calmly ask them questions acting dumb to them being an arsehole, they end up catching themselves out for being manipulative and nasty and hang themselves. So I'd probs just let him shout in front of her, over time if she hears you acting calm and kind and it's only him shouting there would be no leg to stand on to think otherwise.

Obvs the right solution is to leave the twat!

There's something very wrong with the neighbour's thinking if she hears a man shouting at a woman and believes it's the woman's 'fault' for doing something that makes the man angry.

I agree, from what OP says about them being different, I get vibes she is jealous of her life.. so wants to nab him and have what she has. Dunno just how I feel from the posts.

You cannot keep living like this. Get rid of him for the children's sake.

taking him at his word, it's great news that he's planning to move out!
it would be a good idea to get some legal advice about separation/ divorce.
can you take some time off work if you need to?
do you rent the house or is it a shared mortgage?
whose name is on the utility bills? - do you have the passwords for these accounts?
do you have a shared bank account? it might be worth transferring funds out of it (and paying up-front towards household expenses, school uniforms etc) so your soon-to-be-ex can't just empty it maliciously?
it might also be worth keeping your car key hidden, as i can imagine him just helping himself to it some day.
and if he does announce that he's walking out, and abandoning you/the family, being ready to change the door locks immediately, to prevent him waltzing back in whenever he feels like.
if i were in your position, i'd be nervous but quite excited about my future life - it sounds like things will get better for you and the children as soon as he's fucked off. (and your neighbour is toxic so just keep avoiding her. once he's gone, you might always decide to move house anyway).

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts I have my own bank account as does he. He normally pays rent and electric, gas, council tax. I buy food, water, tv licence, sky, broadband, pay for the DC everything-lunches, clubs, after school club etc. I also pay for all holidays out of my money as I can earn extra by doing private work through the year. I pay for the dog for injections and food and he pays for the cat as he wanted it.

He's a smoker so normally has less spare money than me. All my money goes on DC and my car really.

Good riddance to him,
can your college age teen get a job to fund their going out etc? that would help your expenses.

Sounds like a win to me OP him moving out, let's hope it actually happens as he sounds like a manipulative asshat.

Yes make sure he follows through with moving out. He sounds awful. Maybe him and the drunken neighbour can run off into the sunset together!

@blahblahblah1654 hope so. Had a lovely neighbour there previously but unfortunately he died. The other side is nice too, friendly and chatty.

DARVO

Good riddance to him Op. look into universal credit including the housing element if you are not sure about rent.

Even if finances are tighter, your life will be so much better without this angry uptight man putting you on edge all the time.

Imagine how peaceful life will be OP

This!

Does your h often shout at you? Shouting so loudly in the garden that neighbours get involved is awful.

I'd dump him.

The main issue here is your husband, not your neighbour. You don’t need to put up with being shouted at.

Christ alive, your neighbour is the least of your problem if your husband is standing in the garden shouting at you for the whole street to hear.

Your neighbour is a mad drunkard; don’t give her a second thought. She’s of no importance. But if this is how your ‘D’H behaves, your relationship is a problem.

Yes
My point exactly