Upset With Neighbour

[justco]

I've changed username for this incase I get recognised in real life.
Earlier this morning my DH was shouting at me as we'd got back from holiday yesterday and he was going to collect the cat from the cattery and was asking how much it was, and started shouting as I didn't remember.

About an hour ago in the garden he was shouting at me about something else, whilst I was indoors. Shouting that I'm selfish, as he can't get to work next week as I've told him be can't borrow my car as I need it and basically shouting I think to get peoples attention and to embarrass me.

Anyway the lady next door likes a drink shall we say and started asking DH if he's ok, probably as he's shouting at me so she thinks I've done something to make him angry. Then he tells her he's ok and she puts her hand through the fence to hold his hand and say it's ok etc.
Then she lets go and is in her own garden and shouted "You C*" at the top of her voice. I'm guessing this is aimed at me.

I just feel so upset about it. Obviously she thinks I'm to blame. She really likes my DH as she's told me before as he's down to earth shall we say and I know she thinks I'm stuck up. I don't think I've given her reason to think I'm stuck up, we are just different people, we are same age and we have children but hers have left home and she lives there alone, whereas I had children later in life so mine are still at home. I work, she doesn't etc so I guess we are just different people.

What to do?

Your problem is not your neighbour, do not look at her as your saviour!

OP - I say this with absolute kindness: PLEASE find your self belief. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this. Look in the mirror and imagine someone telling you what you have just written down. Could you honestly tell them to keep living their life as it is? You have the gumption to not let him use the car next week - that is one step to freedom. Take your kitty and be happy without someone making your life miserable by shouting at you, involving your neighbours. Life is way too short

The neighbour isn't the problem your dh is. Why is he shouting so loud everyone can hear. That's wrong. Do you have dc? If he's doing so much shouting in one day that neighbours are commenting on I'd be worrying about social services being called.

Dump him and move.

@Kittybelle123 thank you. And I know this but unfortunately have low self esteem. Just how I was brought up. I lost my brother toi only 6 months ago so this has made me feel quite vulnerable. The car is mine, bought with my own money. He has his own car but doesn't look after it properly so it's off the road at the moment as doesn't have money to fix it. He has a work van he can use but sometimes has a to use his own car. I've let him use mine in the past and I got a cab to work, but I'm not doing it anymore. He doesn't look after it and I get in it with all sweet wrappers and sticky jam on steering wheel as he eats toast whilst driving

LTB. He shouts at you, humiliates you in public, and lets the neighbours abuse. There is nothing good about this man. Get rid.

I'd let your neighbour have him and she can lend him her car.
He sounds horrible :(

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. What a horrid time you have been going through.

You are already strong. If you are standing up and not letting him use your car next week, that is AMAZING and THAT is your self belief peeking through the cracks. You have written this down for us to see - use that to break the cracks open more and bring your confidence thorough. You truly deserve peace and happiness. Keep posting here.

I was in a horribly abusive relationship wasn't able to see my way out of it. By writing what you have done tonight, it's the start of finding the new you: you deserve peace, happiness and you CAN have it

Jam on the steering wheel?!

Gosh he sounds horrid, she is the least of your worries although their relationship is very weird. I'm guessing he was super charming with you at first and he has charmed the drunk next door too.

You don't have to stay in this marriage it sounds awful

Surely you know you deserve better? Your poor DC also have to witness his rage and abuse towards you no doubt.

Tell them both to jog on and pull a Shirley Valentine.

Ditch the loser and move on with your life without him. It will stop the shouting, stop him making you feel like shit and solve the arsehole neighbour problem. Maybe he can move in with her if she likes him so much and he can shout at her instead.

OP did you put up a post a while back about your husband talking to your neighbour in the garden and then crying?

@TinySaltLick yes from eating toast and jam whilst driving along

@BunnyBettChetwynnd no I didn't. But sounds interesting

@Curseofthenation this is the problem. Eldest knows he's an arse. Didn't want to buy him a Father's Day card with "best dad ever" said herself she only wants to get one with "Happy Father's Day" sad really

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I've known him 28 years. She's only known him a year. She swears and so does he so she thinks he's super cool etc.
When we both go out to the car she will only say hello to him and talk, never to me. But when she wants to borrow a tape measure etc she will knock on door and talk to me then. Because she always smells of drink I can't really be bothered to have a conversation with her as she keeps repeating herself. I just end up nodding along.

DH was doing the shouting! I've taught my children to go to the person I'd you want to talk to them, don't shout. It's basic manners. If I want the children, it's down to me to make the effort to go to them and not scream and shout. That's the deal. Your husband instigates the shouting, and your neighbour consoles him. Very weird in my opinion. How friendly are they?

OMG - I say all sorts of shit in an attempt to calm down the 'distressed' kid next door; whilst he does have a basis for telling his kinship 'guardians' to F'off, I'd rather he didn't for hours on end, and metaphorically 'hold his hand' whilst I tell him so.

Rather than thinking your NB strange for not being just like you, be thankful she's listening and probably, like most of us living next door to a bloke that regularly shouts at his female partner, in turmoil about if she should call 999 or try and defuse the situation instead.

@TheWorldisGoingMad he's been in there for a drink when she had her partner living there, but he said he'd never go again and to my knowledge hasn't. She's single now and doesn't work. We don't see her that often as we both work full time, but he will chat to her over fence etc once or twice a month.

LTB For someone to deliberately set things up so that they look like the victim and the victim looks like the perpetrator, they’d be an abusive prick with no conscience who will never change.

You deserve better than this op.

@ImustLearn2Cook you've just made me realise what's been happening past few years

Your husband is an abusive arse and if my neighbour held my husbands hand through the fence I’d want to chop both their hands off.
put his stuff in bin bags and throw it over her fence. They deserve each other.