AIBU - not telling children their bio dad is sick

[AIBU00]

Name changed. Anyway, I received news via email that the bio dad of my children is “ill” they are older teens with SEND. I say ill because that’s all the information I have. He’s not seen them in over a decade. Mainly through not visiting and then they grew apart. I’ve always stayed in contact and offered the girls a relationship but they refused because they didn’t know him.

I have been told by email (from his wife) that he has been in hospital, he is seriously ill and that he is in recovery at home. Basically, a whole email about how he can’t financially support the youngest one anymore and this was a footnote at the end. I have asked for clarity and been told by his wife - no.

I am expected to tell them their dad is very poorly, with I don’t know what and without knowing what his recovery will look like. I have asked for more clarity and been told no. I have asked if I can contact him (always been amicable before) and been told no. AIBU not to tell them until I get the full story here?

Who's expecting you to tell them?

I wouldn’t tell them unless he is dying. You don’t know how ill he actually is. Could just be recovering from a hernia op for all you know

He's recovering at home. There's nothing to tell.

His wife. His wife has told me via email, he is seriously ill and home after a hospital stay. She wants me to tell the children but won’t let me know what is going on and has asked I that I don’t call him as he’s not up to it! We’ve always had amicable conversations before.

I have said I can’t tell them news like that until I have clarity.

To what end would you be telling them? Is the wife hoping they will visit him? Like, what would it do except stress them out? You have your children’s mental health to think about, and it’s entirely up to you, nothing to do with her.

Absolutely no way I'd be telling them anything based on that.
You have virtually no information and therefore can't answer any questions they may have as a result of being told.

For those who think I’m being unreasonable, I’m happy to accept that. I’d like you to explain to me how I’m supposed to tell them, properly and freely. With zero information at all. Baring mind there is SEND and SEMH involved here.

'Dear DC, I found out that your dad is very ill but I don't have any further information right now '.

Surely It isn't about your desire to want all the details, but about just telling them their dad is ill and leaving it at that.

Just message her back and tell her that she’s given you no information to tell the kids. If she changes her mind and provides you with relevant information then you’ll pass on the message.

Otherwise she’s free to tell the kids herself.

I don't see the point in telling them until you have more info. Potentially upsetting for no gain, and no way to answer any questions they might have.

Maybe later on when you know what's wrong, what the likelihood of him getting better is and what he wants the outcome of telling the dc to be.

By “Biodad” do you mean their father, or are they adopted? (I’m not trying to be picky, my suggestion would just be different depending on the answer, and would also depend on whether the illness is likely to be life ending or not. My DC3 is ND so I do understand the implications of incomplete information.

No, it’s about knowing my own children more than this woman who has never met them. Sorry kids, “your bio dad is seriously ill, don’t know with what but hey, don’t ask questions.” That’s not fair on them at all. So no, that’s not helpful.

No way should you tell them anything based on that! Sounds like a ruse to get out of his financial commitments to your youngest 🤨 YANBU at all.

They aren’t adopted no. They last saw him at about 5 years old and there was a gap of 3 years (ish) then. I have no idea as she won’t tell me and I’m not allowed to call him to ask.

Reply that you can't tell them anything unless you have a few more facts as they will ask questions.

9 % think you are unreasonable—the rest of us think you are very reasonable! Ignore the 9 percent. You don’t have enough information to “tell” the children anything. Your ex’s wife used the email alert to meet her own ego needs without thinking of or considering the children’s needs. Maybe she did it out of a sense of obligation, maybe she did it as the first step in further cutting ties, maybe she did it impulsively without thinking it through. But when you quite properly requested more information so you could figure out what to say to the children she had a second chance to realize that the children s needs must also be considered and she simply refused to consider that.
It would be very harmful not beneficial to give the children wring or incomplete information. Let the new wife know that you will not be an intermediary for the ex. He and she can notify the children of illness, defaulting on child support, or death.

They sound like a pair of tossers.

I would refuse to tell your DVC anything without further information.

They will ask or be thinking

What is he ill with?
Will he die?
Will he have any quality of life?
Will be survive?
Etc...

You have none of this information and cannot reassure them or be brutally honest and give them the full details.

It's cruel of them to expect this incomplete message to be passed on.

And residential parents have no option but to financially still support their kids when they are ill. Funny how weekend parents or completely absent parents get to decide when to pull the plug. So he can pull the other one.

DC* not dvc

No, I wouldn’t be telling them anything at this stage. You don’t have enough information to be able to help them navigate their own feelings at this stage.

if it becomes critical, I’d imagine that you would hear from his wife again, at which point you can make a judgement call on how and when best to tell them.

Fgs…do you have an empathy or understanding of children and psychology?
telling them that will cause them anxiety and worry when there is fuck all they can do about it . Why would you think giving a small snippet of bad news to anyone is a good thing when you have no details and scare the pants off them
they may not have had contact but he is still their dad and they will still have complex emotions towards him

the op is right. No she won’t pass on a half cock deliberately obscured piece of news. She’s the one who would then have to manage all the questions, concerns when she can’t tell them any more as she doesn’t know.
If new wife is concerned and doesn’t want to share her dps medical info with the ex wife, fair enough. ex new partner can then tell children direct or wait till their dad is well enough to talk to the kids himaelf- right now there’s nowt the kids can do but fret with what the op is being told to tell them. I wouldn’t play that game

I have mailed her back and said I won’t say until I know all the information. It’s not fair as I can’t answer their questions. What if it was hereditary for example? Our relationship ended due to substance abuse. What if it’s linked to that? That opens bigger conversations.

I am quite cross I’ve been put in this situation. For my children, not me. As said, he is still their bio dad. Even if they cant remember him and they never saw him really, it will raise complex emotions that I need to be ready to handle.

The whole email was about financials, he can’t pay maintenance basically. With the illness as a footnote.

I wouldn't tell them anything. You have nothing much to tell them.

I'd also not be accepting oh he can no longer contribute financially to his children based on some wishy washy crap about being poorly.

I agree with pp that perhaps this is actually an attempt to manipulate you into accepting no financial support now.

I wouldn’t let someone tell me I could or couldn’t call someone I had an amicable relationship with.

I’d ignore, call him and leave him a message if he doesn’t answer saying he either calls and explains or leaves you all alone.

She’s being a chancer and trying to get them out of paying. Ask for proof, her refusal to provide details won’t wash financially, and leave the DC being told out of the conversation entirely. Two different issues.

See what you can find out, then go to the CSA - especially if you suspect its a ruse.