AIBU - not telling children their bio dad is sick

[AIBU00]

Name changed. Anyway, I received news via email that the bio dad of my children is “ill” they are older teens with SEND. I say ill because that’s all the information I have. He’s not seen them in over a decade. Mainly through not visiting and then they grew apart. I’ve always stayed in contact and offered the girls a relationship but they refused because they didn’t know him.

I have been told by email (from his wife) that he has been in hospital, he is seriously ill and that he is in recovery at home. Basically, a whole email about how he can’t financially support the youngest one anymore and this was a footnote at the end. I have asked for clarity and been told by his wife - no.

I am expected to tell them their dad is very poorly, with I don’t know what and without knowing what his recovery will look like. I have asked for more clarity and been told no. I have asked if I can contact him (always been amicable before) and been told no. AIBU not to tell them until I get the full story here?

How is maintenance paid, directly or via CMS?

She is fed up of him supporting his dc and has fed you a load of shite about him being ill imo.
Why would you automatically believe her?

I'd reply, telling her you'll pursue through CSA. That you're sorry he's not been well and hope he has a swift recovery.

Sounds like they've either hatched a plan to stop paying maintenance or she's hoping his illness marks the end of his responsibilities, unfortunately not.

Both sounds like wastes of space. Personally I wouldn't tell your kids anything.

I agree why would you want to give your child half a story. They will have questions that you can't answer. She's being unreasonable. I'm not saying children should know the ins and outs of a serious health problem but it would be good to gage the seriousness of it. Is it terminal, has he been seriously ill but recovering now and prognosis good.

I disagree, I wouldn’t tell mychild ‘he’d Ill, don’t know why or how bad’

I wouldn’t need to know why he is I’ll, but is it serious but he will recover, was serious but not now, never going to get better etc.

Directly.

His wife won’t even tell me that.

Well I wouldn’t tell my until she did, she must understand, it will be difficult to tell the children (not even) half a story.

I would just ask her to keep you updated as much as she can then tell the children when you know more.

Its weird how she's happy to detail how he can't pay maintenance but not when give a hint of how ill he is.
Honestly I'd phone him, it sounds like she's trying to stop him paying maintenance

I would message back 'when did you kill him?'
This all sounds incredibly odd

Ha! "If you need an alibi, just ask"

YANBU definitely sounds like he’s trying to stop paying.

😬 I know it sounds odd. I can’t figure it out at all, unless it’s to control.

@AIBU00 it's absolutely to control. She won't give you any information so you don't claim maintenance.

Of course you can’t tell them, with no information. What a weirdly controlling thing to ask you to do.

Just ignore it.

It sounds like it’s mostly about allowing him to pay less - don’t agree to that either - leave it with the courts. They are a couple of twats.

It is absolutely to control, and to avoid payment.

Don’t give in to either.

And of course it may not even be true or be much exaggerated.

Why would anyone in their right mind worry their kids like that?! It would be nuts.

If he’s in a salaried role or runs a business, surely he would still draw an income.

I’d speak to him first and then put in a CMS claim.

Reminds me of a phone call I received when I was 13 from the step bitch.

'Your Father has had a heart attack, his doctors feel it's the stress you and your brother put him under.

As husband and wife we have decided he won't see you again, for his health.'

And that was it, with the exception of a bullet pointed letter outlining our faults and assigning blame completely to us.

Unless you get more information, don't do anything.

I totally get where you’re coming from here. You can’t tell a child their parent is ill and not provide further information. I wouldn’t do it to a NT child but children with SEND and/or SEMH won’t cope with that information. Their minds will go crazy and they’ll over think and think the worst automatically. It could be very detrimental to them to only have half of the info.

That’s horrific. Did you ever see him again?

😮😮😮 so sorry xx

Why have your dc worry? Or feel guilty they don't give a shit? Being at death's door - if he is - won't have morphed him into Daddy frigging Daycare....

As you only have half a story i would say nothing. Why tell them when you can't answer the questions they have.

I've seen him at funerals, and once when I was 17.