AIBU - not telling children their bio dad is sick

[AIBU00]

Name changed. Anyway, I received news via email that the bio dad of my children is “ill” they are older teens with SEND. I say ill because that’s all the information I have. He’s not seen them in over a decade. Mainly through not visiting and then they grew apart. I’ve always stayed in contact and offered the girls a relationship but they refused because they didn’t know him.

I have been told by email (from his wife) that he has been in hospital, he is seriously ill and that he is in recovery at home. Basically, a whole email about how he can’t financially support the youngest one anymore and this was a footnote at the end. I have asked for clarity and been told by his wife - no.

I am expected to tell them their dad is very poorly, with I don’t know what and without knowing what his recovery will look like. I have asked for more clarity and been told no. I have asked if I can contact him (always been amicable before) and been told no. AIBU not to tell them until I get the full story here?

Just call him. She can’t stop you. You’re all adults aren’t you. It all sounds so petty. Your poor children.

There's not enough info.
If I was your DDs I would want info like if it's terminal or genetic and would be anxious/angry about not being given an answer.

Yanbu to say nothing at the moment.

What are they supposed do with that information? If they’re not in contact with him and this isn’t intended to be a way to invite contact I wouldn’t tell them.

Let his wife know she is free to see them, or the Dad see them and explain himself but you are not the messenger.

Are you sure this isn’t a means of avoiding maintenance?

I'd just ignore it, to be honest. He hasn't seen them in a decade. I'd have emailed to wife to say, 'You'll need to take that up with the CMS". It sounds like an excuse to stop paying maintenance, and she's given you nothing to go on.

You've only got the word of a woman you've never met that he has been 'ill'.

Older teens could be shown the email surely?

You’d think right? I wouldn’t worry too much about my children though. They’ve had a solid upbringing since their toddler stage and don’t know any different.

I don’t know. He’s not seen them in over a decade. Never met his new wife either so they wouldn’t recognise either of them. I’m not sure no. I will probably just call him. I wanted to respect her wishes (which I why I haven’t called him yet).

You’re completely in the right here. They will have questions and you can’t answer them so there’s nothing to tell. I would contact him direct (even if just by message) he may not know that she has told you not to. I would also send her a message saying that unless she is telling you, in veiled terms, that the children may not have another chance to see their father, then you can’t pass message without full info etc.

Basically that’s where I’d draw the line - if he is so ill that regardless of what you know or don’t know they may never see him again, then they should be given the option to say goodbye. If that’s what she is trying to facilitate (in some bizarre and cack handed way) then I would participate in that for their sakes. Otherwise only tell them when you have a fuller picture.

This OP

This was my line of thinking.

Are there any other family members you could contact for further clarification, parents, siblings etc? Surely someone will tell you something?

Do they not have direct communication with the children? If not, just say "Ok, let me know more when you can".

Sounds like a load of bollocks designed for them to stop paying maintenance!!! I would call him and if no joy there I would report to the CMS and tell them of my concerns. I also wouldn't be telling my dc anything until i knew the truth about the whole situation!

I have mailed her and asked. She has refused to elaborate saying that she will tell me when he feels it is right. I’m not getting drawn into the games because I have to think of the children. I’ve found his sibling and I’m going to ask if they can clarify. Not for me but for his children’s benefit.

Until I have clarity, I’m not telling them anything.

No, the children don’t want to know now they are older. They are strangers. I have given them option to stay in contact and they don’t want to.

I have a child with SEND and they would absolutely have lots of questions to ask after learning that basic information. You can't just say "I don't know" to a SEND child and think they'll be satisfied with that. It could cause Untold anxiety and stress for them, potentially unnecessarily given that you don't know what he's ill with. I'd hold off till they provide more information OP.

Honestly it seems she’s trying to get you to agree to cut maintenance and he’s not actually ill. Don’t agree to anything and contact csa

I reckon there's some truth in this to be honest.
The new wife didn't tell you because he's desperate to see his kids before he potentially pops his clogs, they want to duck out of paying any maintenance because he hasn't bothered for so long!
Stick to your guns!

I wouldn't tell them until you know more. My DD14 has SEN and her father hasn't see her since she was 2.

I'd only tell her if it was serious and he was going to die etc.

Message your ex and cut the wife out the loop seeing as you have an amicable situation.

YANBU. And if he does kick the bucket, I hope your children are accounted for in his will.
Sorry you are having to deal with this strange situation OP, and by the sounds of it, an extremely controlling woman (his wife, I mean). As well as the feckless ex.

It does sound like there is no point in telling them. What would be the point? I don't even understand why their father wants them to be told that he is ill when he has no interest in telling them why. Does he think it will make them want to go see him?

I think you should respond and say “Ok, I respect your decision. If you do decide you are able to elaborate I will consider whether to tell the children.”

Put it back onto her - she’s not in a position to make demands of you.

I totally agree with this and came to say the same.

It's up to you as the caregiver what you tell the children not the wife of an absentee father. If he hasn't saved up for this circumstance then quite frankly that's his fault, there is presumedly court ordered child maintenance in place, in which case he needs to go down that legal route if he feels he has no way to continue paying.

In the meantime I'd advice you to do some digging as to what will happen if he dies and if there's anything you can do in advance, as it looks like the payments will cease.

Do you have line of communication directly to the bio dad? SMS or WhatsApp if he's too ill to speak now

If it's me, I would have just called