Big birthday, partner doesn’t care.

[Gotmyfanon]

Hi all. Been thinking overnight about this. It’s my birthday on Tuesday, a big one! I’m not a party type of person, but I have arranged to go out for a meal with my wider family this weekend.

Partner of 15 years has told me he doesn’t feel like coming. He has form for this and does find socialising difficult anyway, but I thought he’d make an effort for my birthday. He doesn’t have anything else planned for me.

When he had the same big birthday, I surprised him with a holiday to San Francisco, planned it all out, gave him a treasure hunt with clues etc. That was a while ago though because he’s older than me.

I’ve told him that it feels like he doesn’t care and how hurtful that is. He just said he’ll come if he has to, so I’ve told him not to bother if I’ve got to literally force him.

YABU- I’m being fussy and shouldn’t expect him to come out with me and my family.

YANBU- He’s in the wrong

He's being an arse. It's just a family meal and he has made 0 effort.

The problem is that even if he does come now you'll know he doesn't particularly want to be there.

I would ask him why you're so unimportant to him.

Did he go on his birthday stuff? What a selfish arse.

And I hope his birthday came from joint funds. If its feasible I'd ask again if he fancies doing something for your birthday next weekend and when you get the expected no, go off for weekend anyway. Finally I feel can recommend the ubiquitous mn 'go for a spa weekend'!

I've got one like this. He makes even less effort for anyone else. No chance of suprises ever. He never thinks of planning anything like holidays etc either and it's always "if you want" - even if it's something for him. He won't change OP and you'll either have to be like him, or leave him, or you'll be constantly disappointed. Speaking as someone who has had 32 years of this gradually getting worse. It's a control thing with my DP - he likes everything as it is and moderates everything. I'm sure he's ND though (I work with ND and assessments - before I get flamed🙄). I've been my own worst enemy I realise now, because I'm very laid back with low expectations/needs. I should of been more demanding. If I do force him to do things he can be sociable and entertaing - but it's an effort to get there, and he makes me feel unreasonably demanding. Can you cope with a future of disappointment?

Really sorry for you OP. What a selfish git. Is he a decent partner generally?

I can’t believe anybody would honestly chose to spend time with such a selfish twat.
Please enjoy your birthday and then consider your future with this complete and utter drip. You sound lovely and deserve more than “I will come if I have to”. Don’t settle.

Whilst I don't think there should be a fuss over so-called 'big birthdays' (they are all 24 hours long), to be unwilling over a family meal is unreasonable.

Is there any chance at all that he’s planned something as a surprise so is playing everything down?
if not, then he is a selfish twat

I'm sorry op but if he finds socialising difficult that's not his fault.

I was forced to attend a birthday get together and the stress it caused me was insane. On the day I was so mentally exhausted.

In future if I don't feel up to it I'm not going.

He can still plan something with just the two of them that doesn't Include a wider group.

Sorry, but this is no excuse.

But putting yourself out for loved ones on special occasions should be the norm surely?
OP, I'd call his bluff and tell h8m you do want him to come unless he'll sulk and ruin it .

How is your relationship otherwise?

My DH isn't big on birthdays but he always makes an effort for mine as he knows I enjoy them (he doesn't have to but he chooses to). If he hasn't even had to plan anything but merely come along and he can't be bothered then that's sad imo.

If social events are genuinely difficult for people there are different ways of showing you care. In the op’s case the dh could buy her a dress for her birthday dinner with family, present her with flowers beforehand, offer to attend just for drinks or for desert after main course, offer to drive her there and back.

Being an extreme introvert or being ND does not give you the excuse to be totally selfish. Protect your own boundaries by all means but you still need to take your significant other’s wishes in to account.

Agree with this, if he really can't face attending he could still arrange or do something nice to celebrate.

He is being v unkind to you.

A milestone birthday needs to be marked in some way, be it big or small. Even if he doesn't want it he should remember what effort you went to for him and he should want to do something to make you happy and mark the occasion. If he doesn't like group things, has he planned anything for the 2 of you? Is he so totally self-centered that he can't see what he is doing is wrong? I wonder is he the type of person that just thinks about themself and no one else?

You deserve better. Happy big birthday🌻

There should be a fuss about ALL birthdays! If the person closest to you in your life can't treat you on your birthday, there's no hope.

Even if you don't want to go to the event, you'd still organise treats and a special day for your partner though? The OP's partner has done absolutely nothing.

I came to say this too

If he finds socialising difficult he should have made an effort for her birthday and she probably wouldn't be upset he didn't want to attend the meal.

I’d be ok with it if he acknowledged that he found big groups hard and had organised something really special that I would love for me to do just with him. Something on the same level as a trip to San Francisco.

My dh ruined my 40th birthday.. He was an exh before I was 41.
Married now dh on my 44th!
Now guaranteed a great day!

He’s a truly selfish prick. Will he plan anything for you? Will he get you a card and a present? What does he usually do for your birthdays?

And I really do not but into the Mumsnet belief that wanting to be shown some love and consideration, and treated a little in your birthday, is childish.

Especially if the thoughtless prick who makes no effort, laps up any efforts made for them on their birthday.

Buy*