Big birthday, partner doesn’t care.

[Gotmyfanon]

Hi all. Been thinking overnight about this. It’s my birthday on Tuesday, a big one! I’m not a party type of person, but I have arranged to go out for a meal with my wider family this weekend.

Partner of 15 years has told me he doesn’t feel like coming. He has form for this and does find socialising difficult anyway, but I thought he’d make an effort for my birthday. He doesn’t have anything else planned for me.

When he had the same big birthday, I surprised him with a holiday to San Francisco, planned it all out, gave him a treasure hunt with clues etc. That was a while ago though because he’s older than me.

I’ve told him that it feels like he doesn’t care and how hurtful that is. He just said he’ll come if he has to, so I’ve told him not to bother if I’ve got to literally force him.

YABU- I’m being fussy and shouldn’t expect him to come out with me and my family.

YANBU- He’s in the wrong

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I’d say it’s extremely unlikely that he’s planned anything as a surprise, so I doubt that’s the reason. I’m also not expecting a present to the same level as his 40th- purely down to how much money he has/earns.

I don’t expect him to come to other family birthday meals or gatherings at all any more. He’s become more isolated since covid, but it was similar before too. But I did think he would come to my birthday meal with my family, not just shrug and say he doesn’t feel like it.

Maybe I’m expecting too much, because it’s not like it’s a new thing.

You’re not expecting too much. You’re hoping for something and getting nothing, while he happily helps himself to the lovely things you did for him.

Selfish. And even when you spoke to him, he put himself and his wants before you. Selfish.

He sounds like he doesn't give a toss about you.

What are you getting out of this relationship OP?

Your bar is low if you think you are expecting too much for your partner to come to dinner on a significant birthday. Especially when you treated him to a holiday of a lifetime. Life is too short and he is sucking joy out of it . Use this big birthday to reflect on what you want from life. Surly this is not it?

I never get the fuss about birthdays either. I’d probably just go without him and have a nice time with my family.

it’s not a popular opinion but I find grown adults’ obsession with presents and birthdays a bit ridiculous. If he’s a good partner in other ways I wouldn’t mind.

It isn't expecting too much to expect your partner to care about you.

He doesn't seem to and unless he pulls a suprise out of the bag, you really need to ask yourself if you care as little about yourself as he does.

If you do give a shit about yourself, get rid and get living a more better life alone. You are already alone, you just haven't recognised it yet.

@Rotormotor , you’re right, I will have a nice time anyway without him. But, as @Blanca87 and others have said, if he doesn’t want to share in the high points of my life, what’s the point of being together?

This is another thing in a long list of areas where he seems to only think of himself. It never feels malicious, and mostly he’s completely unaware of how he makes others feel. But it is frequent, to me and others, and seems to be getting worse the older he gets.

Did he enjoy the effort you made for his. I bet he did (sounded great btw).

He's being a bah humbug sulky git as the focus isn't on him. At least that's the way it sounds.

Yanbu.
And this comes from someone that doesn't celebrate my birthday ( I had a rough childhood, birthdays where never a thing, I don't even think my parents remember when my birthday is). But I celebrate DP's.
I also have social anxiety but wouldn't dream of not going to a family meal for the occasion.
The issue is it's important to you, he should make an effort. Not drag his heels like a reluctant sulky teenager.

I think he's being an arse but more importantly, how does he treat you the rest of the time?
He doesn't need to stretch to an extravagant holiday but he could at least plan and cook a lovely intimate meal for just the two of you surely? Or give you a homemade book of vouchers for whatever it is you'd like or appreciate eg I'll do all the laundry for a week, or I'll cook your favourite meal for you etc etc etc. It would cost hardly anything!
Happy birthday for Tuesday and I hope you enjoy your family meal. At least they're making an effort for you!

@rainbowstardrops yes, that’s exactly the kind of thing I did when we first got together and I didn’t have much money. It’s not the cost in money that I’m after, but some thought or effort.

The rest of the time, we’re just in a well-trodden pattern. I work fairly long hours and he works from home but a few hours a week max 10. I prefer to cook because he’s not very good at it and would live off ready meals. He should wash up but that’s slipped in the past few years, and I tend to do the cleaning in general. The last holiday we planned, he bailed on because he was worried about getting on a plane after covid so I went alone.

I don’t think I’ve really considered how bad things have become.

Was he able to get on the plane to frisco, eat out, do his treasure hunt and not complain about having to see people?

@grayhairdontcare Yes… it was brilliant. This was nearly 10 years ago, though.

Oh love, that's no way to live. He can't even have the excuse that he's too tired or busy with work! If he's only working 10 hours then he should be doing majority of the housework surely?
Do you honestly want to stay with him? Do you have children?

He works 10 hours per week and you do all the housework?

That's no way to live.

Enjoy the meal with your family, without him

If he hasn't planned anything for your birthday
Plan to do something yourself

Make this the last birthday that you share

Life is too short to be miserable

Given your updates, I think you’ve wasted quite enough time on this man.

All relationships come to an end one way or another. Looks like it’s time for you to move on.

It isn't about the birthdays but the absolute lack of regard... You are worth having 1 day made special for you op.
Aren't you worth it?

He’s awful, OP. Truly. An awful, selfish, self-obsessed, lazy shithead.

If nothing else a milestone birthday can give you pause to consider whether you are happy and where you want to be in your life. Are you happy OP?

This would be the end for me. Every birthday is important. It's the one day it's about you!

I don't understand what he brings to your life.

YANBU. He sounds like a selfish, miserable, lazy fuckface. He can't even be assed to show up to a meal that you've organised yourself, let alone plan anything special for you. You deserve more than this. Call him out on it more or show him the door.

He works only 10hrs a week? Does he work for himself in a failing business? You can do waaaaay better.

Thanks everyone, just got back from a gorgeous afternoon and evening with my family.

I’ve decided to wait to see what happens on my birthday. If he makes an effort, I’ll still be telling him I need more, but will give a chance. If he does nothing/low effort, I’m done.

I was happy tonight without him there.

Please don't let the "birthdays are for kids" mn crowd make you doubt yourself op. In a great relationship,the birthday celebration becomes the cherry on the cake and less important. In crap relationships,the birthday/significant event becomes the whole cake.

I imagine you are doubtful of how much he actually actively cares about you anymore, as his day to day actions suggest he is very selfish and self centered. Therefore, your birthday becomes an opportunity to reassure you about his feelings. He has monumentally failed and it's OK to feel shit about it. Indeed, if you can't share the highs with a partner, what's the point slogging through the lows?