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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share lifts/responsibility for another swimmer?

58 replies

SwimmingProblems · 23/06/2023 19:01

I've NC as if the parent is on here it is quite identifiable. If IABU maybe I will reconsider.

TLDR: AIBU to not want to share lifts to swimming galas and then be responsible for/film races/feed another child?

Teen DD swims competitively and has done for a number of years. For context it is a massive PITA driving to early morning swimming, after school swimming and weekend swimming meets. I knew this when I agreed to support her. I can drive 100's miles and then wait around for the whole weekend for a handful of races which are over in minutes. But it is a choice and I love the time we have together travelling up/staying over and it won't be for ever.

A new girl has moved to the club, and the parents expect us to share the driving/film both girls races/put them up in hotel/feed them, saying it will be nice for me to put my feet up/stupid for us both to make the journey. The expectation that each event would be shared and we'd have full responsibility of both children whilst we had them- ie pay for hotel/food etc.

I keep making excuses but then I wondered if I was being a CF and should be happy to do this. Teen DD doesn't want to (especially not sharing a room) and I don't. AIBU?

OP posts:
CalamityClam · 23/06/2023 19:02

If you don’t want to, then don’t. Just say no; you value the time spent with your daughter and know it won’t last forever.

IncomingTraffic · 23/06/2023 19:04

Sharing the pain for standard training sessions is pretty standard.

Expecting another family to take you child away for the weekend at a gala is… weird.

Wrongsideofpennines · 23/06/2023 19:05

If your daughter wanted to do it then it would be daft not to share the driving sometimes. But she doesn't, and you're happy to drive so the arrangement doesn't work.

Greydogs123 · 23/06/2023 19:10

As pp says, sharing lifts occasionally to practice - could be nice to split the chore, but responsibility for another child over a whole weekend, especially one you don’t know well, is a bit odd. Just say you’re not comfortable doing that and you enjoy spending the time with your child.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/06/2023 19:10

Galas that involved over nights, absolutely not. Galas I could do in one day, sure, no problem. However, that only involved bringing the child there and back. They were responsible for themselves while there. Mind you, my own kids (adults now) were responsible for themselves too. I provided food and drink as needed (but only for my own) but the coach was responsible for swimming stuff and the child was responsible for being where they should be when they should be.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 19:11

Why do people find it hard to say no?

What do you mean they 'expect' you to? You mean they suggested it and asked if you would be interested? And what did you say when they brought it up?

GoodChat · 23/06/2023 19:11

Training I get, but overnight stays I'd say no to.

Tell them the truth - it's yours and DDs quality time.

Leftphalange100 · 23/06/2023 19:12

I'd say it's quite normal to share runs etc however if neither you nor your daughter want to then you are under no obligation

HaveSomeIntrospect · 23/06/2023 19:14

I have a child who does a sport which means practice 4 times a week and regular days/weekends away away. We live in the opposite direction to the other families so lifts to regular practice never really happens for us. The other families share rides to the regular practices.

When the children were younger, we would share lifts to competitions but a parent comes with their child (it was usually the mum). As the children get older, we are happy to take just the child (the children are now 16/17 😁) and we have all known each other and their families for years.

CopperSeahorses · 23/06/2023 19:18

I've done overnights in a hotel with another athlete when DD used to compete but the costs were shared between the two families and the athlete and DD were close friends outside of the sport too.

StrawberryWater · 23/06/2023 19:20

I'd be telling them a firm no. I'd also be telling them that you use these trips as a way to bond with DD.

If they argue then tell them it's not your responsibility to chaperone, feed, hotel and film someone else's child over the swim meet. It's not happening. No is a complete sentence. Goodbye.

HerRoyalNotness · 23/06/2023 19:21

In our sports club if the parent can’t do the over night trip they don’t go. We will take another athlete on a day trip, they’re sent with their lunch and snack money etc and whatever else they need. None of us have taken on an overnight.

VisionsOfSplendour · 23/06/2023 19:23

Not cheeky at all not to want to do this, are the other family making you feel that it is? If so they are the CFs and a bit odd with it

I'm not a fan of lift sharing line that, when my children were younger I always kept well clear, I used to hear all kinds of stressful nonsense being discussed amongst the parents who did share. Im all for a simple life

HaveSomeIntrospect · 23/06/2023 19:24

Btw, the parents always pay all costs for them and their own child, even splitting petrol costs.

blackbeardsballsack · 23/06/2023 19:26

As other posters have said, just tell them that you enjoy the time with DD and spectating. But don't, as I have, end up in a situation where you are lumped with the other child too 'seeing as you're going anyway'!

BellaJuno · 23/06/2023 19:28

Not unreasonable to not want to do it, I wouldn’t. Be firm and just say you value the time with your daughter and don’t want the responsibility of another child and then don’t get drawn into justifying your decision.

nutbrownhare15 · 23/06/2023 19:30

'dear parents, it's not going to work for us to share lifts at the moment. DD and I value the alone time the trips offer. If anything changes I will let you know'

RandomMess · 23/06/2023 19:32

DD does a similar sport. Nope the Mums all go and sometimes we have shared family rooms to reduce costs.

On occasion for one day events one parent hasn't gone due to clashes. Child sent with money to cover costs etc.

willstarttomorrow · 23/06/2023 19:38

Been there and it is hard enough trying to fit it around your own life, let alone lift sharing nonsense. Do not feel you have to give any reason (in my experience it is usually easier not to or people try and find a way around it). Just a polite no, from experience it does not work when trying to juggle everything else- see you there.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/06/2023 19:52

I'd be happy to halve my driving. But you dont want to so just say no clearly

Clymene · 23/06/2023 19:54

That's really kind but I actually enjoy spending the 1-2-1 time with my daughter.

All you need to say

ArcticSkewer · 23/06/2023 19:59

What does 'expect' mean?

It's totally normal and commonplace for people to share lifts to and from training or events but equally, if you don't want to, you jist say so and that would usually be the end of it.

are they turning up with suitcases or something?

sneckquine · 23/06/2023 20:01

My daughter does similar sport. I share the weekly training drives but we each organise our own transport & accomodation for weekend meets &comps. I'm happy to take responsibility for another child for 2 x 1/2. Hour drives a few times a week but not for a whole weekend

HappyasLarrynot · 23/06/2023 20:03

‘Im afraid that doesn’t work for us’ on repeat.

TheSnowyOwl · 23/06/2023 20:06

You don’t want to and your DD doesn’t, so I don’t see why it’s even in question. Just say no and that you both enjoy the set up as it is, so have no interest in changing it.

However, I don’t think they are BU to ask although they would be to not accept you saying no.