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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share lifts/responsibility for another swimmer?

58 replies

SwimmingProblems · 23/06/2023 19:01

I've NC as if the parent is on here it is quite identifiable. If IABU maybe I will reconsider.

TLDR: AIBU to not want to share lifts to swimming galas and then be responsible for/film races/feed another child?

Teen DD swims competitively and has done for a number of years. For context it is a massive PITA driving to early morning swimming, after school swimming and weekend swimming meets. I knew this when I agreed to support her. I can drive 100's miles and then wait around for the whole weekend for a handful of races which are over in minutes. But it is a choice and I love the time we have together travelling up/staying over and it won't be for ever.

A new girl has moved to the club, and the parents expect us to share the driving/film both girls races/put them up in hotel/feed them, saying it will be nice for me to put my feet up/stupid for us both to make the journey. The expectation that each event would be shared and we'd have full responsibility of both children whilst we had them- ie pay for hotel/food etc.

I keep making excuses but then I wondered if I was being a CF and should be happy to do this. Teen DD doesn't want to (especially not sharing a room) and I don't. AIBU?

OP posts:
willstarttomorrow · 23/06/2023 20:07

Just to add- these requests usually only go one way and it will not be the way that makes your life easier. If it is a mutual arrangement prompted by a conversation in which you agree it could work, that is a very different thing. An unprompted request from someone who does not really know you, your arrangements etc. Do your DC even get on? Do not begin to entertain it. They will move on to the next potential victim.

Grumpigal · 23/06/2023 20:12

Agree that in theory it could make sense to share them but only if everyone was happy with the situation. Perhaps if the girls were solid long term friends for instance.

But you’re not happy with it and DD is not happy with it, therefore I don’t think you’re wrong to not want to do it.

I would just send a message - or call if you can face it - and say you’ve considered it and whilst you appreciate the offer it doesn’t really work for you and DD and don’t want to get into an arrangement.

It sounds like my idea of hell and I’m sure those parents would be desperate to get some time back but as you’ve said, that’s what you sign up for when you have a child with this type of hobby. So they’re just gonna have to suck it up!

thisnthat · 23/06/2023 20:19

How strange! If you and your daughter over time become good friends with the new swimmer / parents I can see this maybe happening naturally but otherwise, definitely not. Very cheeky I think unless as a one off favour if the parent is really struggling to get her daughter to a particular gala.

JudgeRudy · 23/06/2023 20:20

What exactly do you mean by they 'expect' you to split the responsibility? If they've made a suggestion that sounds perfectly reasonable. You then say 'No that doesn't work for me', she says 'OK, thought I just ask' and everything's perfectly reasonable.
What I suspect is that by not saying no, you've led her to believe you're up for it and she's trying to pin you down.
You don't want to do it, neither does your daughter. You don't need to give an explanation, simply saying you prefer to do your own thing is fine.

Original poster
SwimmingProblems · 23/06/2023 20:35

Thanks, I have managed all these years saying no I don't know why these parents make me feel like I am being unreasonable.

It's more that they present it as fait accompli, they say what will happen as if I have already agreed to it. For example 'What time are you picking Anna up? I will collect Belinda on the 5th' Each time I'm like sorry this isn't organised but then there is a list of reasons why it works.

I do understand that most people share lifts to training and I have been asked over the years if I'd like to share, I always say No and then nothing is said again. Especially in the mornings I just don't want to have to factor in anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmingProblems · 23/06/2023 20:45

willstarttomorrow · 23/06/2023 20:07

Just to add- these requests usually only go one way and it will not be the way that makes your life easier. If it is a mutual arrangement prompted by a conversation in which you agree it could work, that is a very different thing. An unprompted request from someone who does not really know you, your arrangements etc. Do your DC even get on? Do not begin to entertain it. They will move on to the next potential victim.

Thank you, this message really helps. They are asking because it suits them, I am refusing because it suits me. This makes me feel less unreasonable.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 23/06/2023 20:46

So rude of them just to assume. They are CF

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2023 20:53

Teen DD doesn't want to (especially not sharing a room) and I don't.

That’s your answer. It makes both of you uncomfortable. You’d be unreasonable to put another adult’s wishes over your own and your DC’s just out of misplaced obligation.

C152 · 23/06/2023 20:56

If it was my child's best friend, I would do it; but I wouldn't in the circumstances you are describing. Sounds like the other parents are just trying their luck and hoping they can guilt you into saying yes.

AuditAngel · 23/06/2023 21:03

My daughters compete in a different sport, no early morning training but lots of other similarities,

I don’t mind taking a friend for a day comp/training, but avoid sharing for overnights. I usually offer to drive as I get fuel as a benefit of my job.

Recently a friend was asked to take another child to stay overnight (I offered to take child with me just for the day, overnight wasn’t necessary but my friend doesn’t like mornings!). No contribution towards hotel room, no money sent for dinner, breakfast or towards supermarket packed lunch! If money was short they could have sent her with me just for the day.

I now will only drive those who my kids and I want to spend time with, after being saddled with a parent with personal hygiene issues on a previous trip.

MinnieGirl · 23/06/2023 21:29

SwimmingProblems · 23/06/2023 20:35

Thanks, I have managed all these years saying no I don't know why these parents make me feel like I am being unreasonable.

It's more that they present it as fait accompli, they say what will happen as if I have already agreed to it. For example 'What time are you picking Anna up? I will collect Belinda on the 5th' Each time I'm like sorry this isn't organised but then there is a list of reasons why it works.

I do understand that most people share lifts to training and I have been asked over the years if I'd like to share, I always say No and then nothing is said again. Especially in the mornings I just don't want to have to factor in anything else.

That is sooo rude of them! Talk about cheeky!
Next time they do it, just fix them with a look and say very firmly that you are not interested in lift sharing, and they will need to ask someone else. No excuses just no. And if they keep on but it works etc well it doesn’t work for us.
Honestly some people.l.

Trying2understand · 23/06/2023 22:39

Yes, just gently say you and your dd love the one to one time and you will let them know if anything changes.

Here I would say it's very normal to carpool to practice. For far away meets often some parents don't go so the club has a couple parents agree to chaperone. For example say 10 kids are going, 3 parents may want to go and then there may be 2 chaperones who are responsible for the other 7. It's all your choice. Depending on how many dc are going there may be a hire small bus, or parents may have permission to drive the kids they are chaperoning as well as their own dc. Each family is fully responsible for their own dc's costs - meals, accomodation, etc., whether parent is there or not.

Also, some people always travel with their dc. So I don't think what you are feeling is unusual.

We do a carpool for practices for my dd in Year 5 and it's hugely helpful. But I wouldn't want to send her with a family I barely know for far away meets.

Equalitea · 24/06/2023 09:10

Absolutely no.
You enjoy that time with your daughter.
they're just trying to make it cheaper for them and give themselves alternate times off. No!

pinkginfizz9 · 24/06/2023 09:18

It is fair enough for them to ask itis fair enough for you to say no.i don't see any anyone as being the cf here

HelplessSoul · 24/06/2023 10:55

@SwimmingProblems

I keep making excuses but then I wondered if I was being a CF and should be happy to do this. Teen DD doesn't want to (especially not sharing a room) and I don't. AIBU?

Easiest solution, especially if your DD doesnt even want to share with CF, is to tell them to fuck off.

Block their numbers and be done with it.

Life is too short to pander to people like this and have to make "excuses" just so you can do your own thing without guilt or being judged.

You are not responsible for anyone's child but your own.

Seriously, tell them to fuck off and block. You will be glad you did!

sueelleker · 24/06/2023 11:20

YANBU. I wonder how long it would be until you ended up doing everything?

Original poster
SwimmingProblems · 24/06/2023 11:34

@HelplessSoul that made me laugh. Problem is they are a squad, so although the races are individual the swimmers do really need to get on, there is looooooads of sitting around in swimming. There are friendly but not friends if that makes sense. If either gave up swimming they wouldn't see each other again but are happy to sit pool side and chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmingProblems · 24/06/2023 11:38

sueelleker · 24/06/2023 11:20

YANBU. I wonder how long it would be until you ended up doing everything?

I did wonder that as well, but then I want to watch her race so don't really want to not do it.
Also I do everything on a budget, which is fine with my DD but different with another child.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/06/2023 11:49

Just tell them you do not want to take on the responsibility of another child and that they need to find someone else to share lifts and pick ups with as your answer will always be no.
They sound pushy and rude, be clear and firm with them, after that I would ignore any more interactions they try to initiate.

Well, actually I would probably tell them to sod off but you sound more polite than me.

lemonchiffonpie · 24/06/2023 12:02

You don't want to is enough. They are really pushy. Saying it would be stupid for you both to make the journey just means they don't want to make the journey. I hope they move on to pressurising someone else and leave you be soon.

HelplessSoul · 24/06/2023 12:14

SwimmingProblems · 24/06/2023 11:34

@HelplessSoul that made me laugh. Problem is they are a squad, so although the races are individual the swimmers do really need to get on, there is looooooads of sitting around in swimming. There are friendly but not friends if that makes sense. If either gave up swimming they wouldn't see each other again but are happy to sit pool side and chat.

Thats fine, they can all still get along at the swimming activity, but in all seriousness, tell them you arent doing what they ask/want and its their responsibility to deal with the logistics for their own child.

And then block. (Fuck off and block is still the better option!)

itsgettingweird · 24/06/2023 12:14

Firstly - if it doesn't work for you then you absolutely have the right to say no.

But ... why so against car pooling for training? Are you really close to pool or far out of where other swimmers usually live or time wise it wouldn't work for you with work?

If none of those I'd think about whether you still want to do it all when she's training 8/9 sessions a week and whether constantly refusing could leave it so that when car pooling works best no one wants to share with you!

I understand why with the meets you'd not want to go with someone else's child and be responsible for them.

But do you really travel 100's of miles to loads of meets? National/ British meets nearly always require that level of travel, some regional champs will dependent on location and region and some clubs will do an overnight meet once a year to get swimmers use to it for when they are national and above level.

How often are you travelling away for the whole weekend? Or even how often are you doing meets? Apart from phase 1 where it's every 3-4 weeks the rest of the season ds does 3-4 meets!

billy1966 · 24/06/2023 12:32

OP, in your place I would clearly say, "no thanks, we enjoy this quality time on our own".

Do not add anything else.

Should they text you, repeat the above once, then do not reply to any further texts.

They are completely focused on what suits them, not you.

Simply say No.

Over the years I have had a bit of this with tennis and hockey matches.

My children didn't want to share lifts with children they were not friendly with.

Occasionally I would help a parent out if stuck, but there was no way I was doing it every weekend as both my husband and daughters really enjoyed the time together.

Be very firm.

Someone you don't know telling you something doesn't make sense for you, when it is actually about them, is CF territory, so back away.

billy1966 · 24/06/2023 12:34

willstarttomorrow · 23/06/2023 20:07

Just to add- these requests usually only go one way and it will not be the way that makes your life easier. If it is a mutual arrangement prompted by a conversation in which you agree it could work, that is a very different thing. An unprompted request from someone who does not really know you, your arrangements etc. Do your DC even get on? Do not begin to entertain it. They will move on to the next potential victim.

Really agree with this.

Midnightpony · 24/06/2023 12:39

Something that jumped out at me is that you would be responsible for the other child overnight on your weekend (if you agreed).

And then your DD would be away from you for the night with an adult you don't know. For me, that would be a safeguarding concern - I wouldn't send my child away with adults I didn't know.

So that's another reason to add to your list of reasons to say no! (Even though the original just not wanting to is perfectly valid)

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