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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they were talking about me?

80 replies

Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 10:53

DH pops round to see his mum on the same day every week. Sometimes I go, sometimes not. Recently, he left to visit her without even saying anything. I was upstairs getting ready to go with him when I heard the door close. No goodbye, nothing! I followed on when I was ready, maybe about 10 minutes later.
When I walked in (she leaves the door unlocked) DH, his sister, his mum, and his mum's friend were sitting there and when they saw me they all looked so shocked, it went completely silent and the vibe in the air was really awkward. I've never experienced that before from them. The friend looked especially awkward. I spent the rest of the day really unnerved by it. AIBU to wonder about this? What would you think?

OP posts:
GeriatricMumma · 23/06/2023 12:03

Maybe something very urgent and serious is going on? Something they don't want to talk about? Health wise?

Original poster
Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 12:05

GeriatricMumma · 23/06/2023 12:03

Maybe something very urgent and serious is going on? Something they don't want to talk about? Health wise?

It's possible although I don't think they'd discuss it in front of the friend.

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 23/06/2023 12:07

Perhaps he told them you were in bed with a migraine or out of the country or something?

Original poster
Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 12:08

Why would he tell them I had a migraine or was out of the country though?!

OP posts:
CitizenofMoronia · 23/06/2023 12:17

"I also found it strange that his mum was the first to speak and she said 'oh! It's Bronta!' in quite a loud voice "

Absolutely they were talking about you and the loud voice was to alert the others of your presence

ScientificallyProcessedCrisps · 23/06/2023 12:49

Maybe he told them you didn’t want to go, and when you turned up they were simply surprised? But weird dh didn’t say good bye. Looks like this is on your dh..

iceoverhills · 23/06/2023 13:11

Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 12:08

Why would he tell them I had a migraine or was out of the country though?!

Not to revert to the MN usual but it isn't unheard of for a man who has another woman somewhere to create a new narrative about his wife. Sometimes they do that non-consciously as in he might not have consciously thought to create a new narrative but that is the story his brain makes up. His wife does not exist in his brain when his wife is not in his field of vision. It's some stereotype of a wife in his brain like the one who won't visit his mum with him. When someone is in an affair the slightest thing can be used as ammunition. You can look at them a funny way and they will interpret that as you being a horrible and nagging wife.

SayHi · 23/06/2023 13:41

I would be surprised too if you just walked in unannounced!

It is a bit weird that you followed him 10 minutes later and then just walked into her home.
Did you not even think to knock whilst opening the door?

You say he always says bye, so perhaps he did say it but you just didn’t hear.

I think it’s really odd that he went and then you decided to go after him.
Surely if he’s already gone you wouldn’t then just turn up.

Pigstrotter · 23/06/2023 14:04

For whatever reason I think that he didn’t want you there, seeing as he left without you & he’s never done this before.

The shock on their faces when you walked through the door, & the mom saying loudly that you’d arrived would make me very suspicious.

Has all this got something to do with the friend seeing as she looked most shocked?

iceoverhills · 23/06/2023 14:14

If the mum said it loudly, could she have been trying to warn another person. Not going all sherlock but could there have been someone else in the house in another room or a next door neighbour? Did any of them leave the room soon after? Does his mum's friend have a daughter?

difficultlemons · 23/06/2023 14:22

Think he wanted to talk about something he didn't want you to know about?

DisenchantedDewberry · 25/06/2023 14:24

CitizenofMoronia · 23/06/2023 12:17

"I also found it strange that his mum was the first to speak and she said 'oh! It's Bronta!' in quite a loud voice "

Absolutely they were talking about you and the loud voice was to alert the others of your presence

Literally this. I would be super suspicious if this was my situation, is he planning on leaving the marriage, has he done something the others are telling him to stop?
She was definitely alerting the others so no more was said. I don't want to hurt your feelings or induce a heap of worry but I really would be asking one of them what's going on. Maybe speak to his mother privately?

Kittycat37uk · 25/06/2023 14:32

Could he be secretly having an affair with the friend that was round there? As seeing as he just left your house all of a sudden did he know said friend was going to be there?he may have wanted to get there before u so he can see her before you got there or something of course it could all be innocent aswell but my suspicious brain always goes to the worst conclusion.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 25/06/2023 14:58

I would be paranoid too - it really doesn't look good.

Your DH leaves without saying goodbye or asking if you're joining him.
You turn up unannounced and everyone is visibly shocked.
He claims not to remember what they were talking about.

I'd be doing some digging. Are you close to his mum or sister? Could you ask them what was going on?

MargaretThursday · 25/06/2023 15:05

Brontathedog · 23/06/2023 11:11

I also found it strange that his mum was the first to speak and she said 'oh! It's Bronta!' in quite a loud voice but seeming pleasantly surprised.
It was how you'd say it if a relative you hadn't seen for six months suddenly turned up as a surprise. But I see her at least twice a week, every week.

That could just as easily be that they'd been talking, then someone says "does that sound like the door?"
They all pause to listen. "Is that someone?" "I can't hear anything..." etc.
then you walk in to an awkward silence and they don't want to admit you scared them.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 25/06/2023 15:07

Did he say why he went without you OP? Did you ask him? I'd be VERY suspicious if my DH went off somewhere without calling out goodbye, and receiving an answer, so that he knew I'd heard him, but that's just us. Other than that though, I think they were just a bit shocked that you turned up out of the blue, when he'd not told them that you'd be along in a bit. I assume his Mum isn't the sort to condone him seeing a 'bit on the side' at her house?

continentallentil · 25/06/2023 15:17

It’s seems quite unlikely to me your DH, his sister, his mum and a friend were all discussing you. It’s more likely they weren’t expecting anyone to come in.

Unless there are any other signs, I would forget about it honestly.

continentallentil · 25/06/2023 15:19

Kittycat37uk · 25/06/2023 14:32

Could he be secretly having an affair with the friend that was round there? As seeing as he just left your house all of a sudden did he know said friend was going to be there?he may have wanted to get there before u so he can see her before you got there or something of course it could all be innocent aswell but my suspicious brain always goes to the worst conclusion.

This is East Enders quality.

OP you have really started something…

Dressydress · 25/06/2023 15:24

To be honest they just sounded surprised by you turning up. Whether my door was locked or unlocked if I wasn't expecting someone to turn up and walk in I would be surprised too and if your dh was there and you didn't arrive together that would make me jump. I wouldn't have gone if he left without me. I would have not bothered or called him to say I was coming and to wait

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 25/06/2023 15:28

Many years ago, I was asked by a colleague, Linda, to bring in my wedding gift list for her, she and three other colleagues were invited. She left it on her desk in full view and I later overheard another [bitchy] colleague say "I'm not buying my a gift, bloody cheeky her bringing a gift list in."
I walked into the office where this was said and smiled "Linda asked for the list, as she's been invited"
Bitchy's face was a picture.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 25/06/2023 15:36

Unless he has a medical condition he didn't just forget what they were talking about. I'd go along the lines of
"I was really surprised you left the house without me or without saying goodbye to go to your Mums house, it's unlike you. I sensed a weird atmosphere when I walked on and the conversation halted abruptly and looked really uncomfortable. I'd like to know what you were taking about as it's made me feel really paranoid. If you can't remember I'll ask Mum/Sis in law."

Gut instinct is always almost right, if you felt something was off it probably was, don't let him gaslight you into thinking you are making it all up in your head.

AliceOlive · 25/06/2023 16:00

Would you ask MIL or SIL?

DMLady · 25/06/2023 16:08

Apologies if I’ve missed this, OP, but did you ask your DH why he left without you/without saying goodbye? That seems the oddest thing to me…

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 16:13

Kittycat37uk · 25/06/2023 14:32

Could he be secretly having an affair with the friend that was round there? As seeing as he just left your house all of a sudden did he know said friend was going to be there?he may have wanted to get there before u so he can see her before you got there or something of course it could all be innocent aswell but my suspicious brain always goes to the worst conclusion.

My bet is on this

RememberNancyDrew · 25/06/2023 16:14

He didn't announce his departure because he didn't want you to go with him.