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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how it is possible to work F/T and have a clean and tidy house?

81 replies

Frequency · 23/06/2023 08:46

Obviously it is possible. I know plenty of people who manage it but I don't understand how?

I won't go into long-winded explanations but the cliff notes version;

My ex (and bestfriend) died. He was the father of my kids. I know I shouldn't have but I read through his messages when I got his phone back. There were some really upsetting messages between him and our daughters.

They didn't like how our house was decorated because some areas hadn't been decorated and were still the way they were when we moved in. They didn't like how much I expected them to help out in the house. My youngest appeared to outright hate me. He would encourage them to help more since I worked 2 full-time jobs and he helped by doing the garden for me but he did agree with them that I did not do enough for them.

After that, I vowed to stop shouting at them for not helping. I still ask them to help but when they don't I don't shout and nag. I also promised myself I would decorate and do all the DIY jobs that never get done and finish sorting the garden that X started etc etc etc

But it is quite simply not possible. I am exhausted and getting nowhere. Now I have stopped shouting and nagging my daughters have stopped doing anything. I did tell the oldest that I wasn't going to feed her dog anymore and she had to do it herself. As far as she knows the poor thing has not been fed for four days now (obviously I have fed her dog for her). I sweep and mop the floors downstairs and wash the dishes after my shift at work before I walk my dog and go to bed but when I get up in the morning there are dishes in the sink again and DD's dog has shit on the floor and they've just left it to be stood in and trailed around the house.

Every day is an endless cycle of work, cleaning, DIY, gardening, and on and on but the house still does not look any better in fact it looks worse because all of X's things were brought here when we sold his house, so I now have 2 houses worth of furniture and all his clothes and trinkets piled up in boxes everywhere and I started stripping wallpaper, so we went from dating decor to no decor.

The decorating is still not finished. I've been trying for 3 months now and have papered one wall and mostly fixed the front garden and half of the back garden. That's it. In 3 months that is all I have managed. The day-to-day cleaning seems to take all my time.

I work four days on, four days off, 12-hour shifts. By the time I finish a four-day run at work, the entire house needs a deep clean because no-one has done anything at all besides the floors and dishes that I do.

Before I read those messages I had 2 full-time jobs but still had time to read. I was learning to code and studying for a CCNA certificate. Now I only have 1 job but have zero time to myself. I've put my degree and CCNA on hold and I cannot remember the last time I had the time or energy to pick up my Kindle.

What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:
TheCig · 23/06/2023 08:47

I dont know how it's possible. My house is a cluttered dusty mess.

shivawn · 23/06/2023 08:50

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you've been through a really shit time. I work 12 hour shifts too and I'm wiped and just want to relax after doing a few in a row. How old are your daughters?

yadeciN · 23/06/2023 08:50

How old are your daughters?

LongRoadtoNowhere · 23/06/2023 08:51

I can understand how upsetting it was to read those messages, but honestly your daughters need to help more. Have you tried sitting down and calmly explaining how much is on your plate and that if they helped with small things throughout the week it would make the house a much nicer place for everyone to be. They can’t expect you to do everything, that’s just so fair on you.

It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time of it lately, please be gentle on yourself.

Northernsoullover · 23/06/2023 08:51

How old are your children? If they are older then they should be pitching in. I'm horrified at the way they have spoken about you. My house is a tip. This week I'm working 60 hours. The housework can fuck right off.

LongRoadtoNowhere · 23/06/2023 08:51

Just *not fair on you!

Sistanotcista · 23/06/2023 08:53

Ah OP. Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you (and possibly the kids) are still grieving. But, you are trying too hard. You are doing everything, and you are one person, with a very busy job. Have you spoken to teh girls about the messages? Or, if you're not comfortable mentioning the messages, can you have a calm conversation along teh lines of "X mentioned that you weren't happy with teh state of the house, and nor am I at the moment - how can we resolve this? Who should be responsible for which actions?" Don't take responsibility for everything - that is unfair, and will completely overwhelm you (as it has). Set house rules. I know it sounds tough - in the beginning they are hard to enforce - but once everyone gets used to the rota there won't be a need for nagging and complaining.

Original poster
Frequency · 23/06/2023 08:54

They are 19 and 16. The shitting dog belongs to the 19yo. To be completely fair to the 19yo she does cook the evening meal sometimes and also has severe mental health issues. The 16yo does fuck all.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 23/06/2023 08:54

I’m so sorry for your loss.
you aren’t doing anything wrong, your kids are just being kids. They were just venting to their dad. Don’t let your grief let your kids walk all over you. Your work hard and they need to pull their weight.

red78hot · 23/06/2023 08:55

What you're doing wrong is not telling your daughters they need to contribute to the upkeep of the house. They've complained about the state of it but don't do anything? I'd have lost my shit.

waterlego · 23/06/2023 08:55

I work part time and still struggle to keep my house clean and tidy with two teenagers and a dog living in it, so I don’t know how full time workers manage it.

But I agree with PPs that your daughters need to do more and that you’re not unreasonable to ask for help.

I’m sorry for the loss of your ex. 💐

Martinisarebetterdirty · 23/06/2023 08:57

I’ve voted you are being unreasonable because you are letting your daughters dictate how you live! Of course they should help and if my DD had a pet that shat on the floor and she left it I’d put it on her pillow! I’d be furious with them. If she can’t look after her pet then it goes. If they can’t clear up after themselves then cupboards get locked. For what it’s worth children always moan to the other parent about you, it’s a way of letting off steam. And if they bitch about your home well they are welcome to decorate their own as they like. Big hug.

yadeciN · 23/06/2023 08:58

Frequency · 23/06/2023 08:54

They are 19 and 16. The shitting dog belongs to the 19yo. To be completely fair to the 19yo she does cook the evening meal sometimes and also has severe mental health issues. The 16yo does fuck all.

They do nothing because you martyr yourself and give up everything yours so they don't have to do anything.
You are their mother, not maid. You need to remember that you have life, needs, wants, interests and you NEED these for your own wellbeing.
While it's hard with MH issues, it's not an excuse.
You are a person, not a bank account and cleaning machine.

KnickerlessParsons · 23/06/2023 08:58

You need to sit down somewhere, outside of the house, and have a conversation with your daughters about how much you're struggling, and agree between the three of you who does what around the house, and how often.

Can you get some compassionate leave from work so that you can take some time to sort through ex's things, and have a mamoth tidy up so that everyone is starting afresh with a clean plate? Perhaps you could get some help to do this.

Or could you afford a cleaner?

Does the 19 year old work, or is she still in education?

Mummy2C · 23/06/2023 08:58

You're not doing anything wrong. You are providing for your children. Spend some time with them. Take them out. Make some memories. When out and you feel it's the right moment have a chat with them about home life. Give them a chance to talk and be honest with them. Get them involved with decorating - so they have some ownership. Housework and decorating can wait. Maybe concentrate first on sorting through your exes things.

Reugny · 23/06/2023 09:00

How old are your daughters?

Until they are secondary age they can help with chores but you will end up having to re-do lots of it behind their back. Once they are secondary age they will be able to do them properly but will have moods so somethings a few chores won't be done at all.

For example myself and the vast majority of extended family can do washing and ironing properly from 14 though we start learning a couple of years earlier. We only start with our own and it's only once over about 17 we may do other people's. There as with washing up we start at 7/8 and it isn't done properly until we are in secondary school plus there are some items e.g. sharp knifes we don't touch until then.

Oh and we were all taught to clean up while cooking.

gingercat02 · 23/06/2023 09:01

It's not possible unless you spend your spare time cleaning, which I won't do. Or you pay a cleaner, which is what I do. It's expensive but so worth it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 23/06/2023 09:01

Sorry for your loss .. just remember teens find a reason to be offended.

yes sit down . We cannot go on like this . I am about to have the same conversation with my Ds . I find plates wrappers shoved under the sofa , literally come home from work it’s a tip.

I am not hear to clear up after him . He has done less revising for GCSE’s but has barely moved since finishing them .

GOODCAT · 23/06/2023 09:01

Ignore the messages. Getting your kids to share the household workload in an age appropriate way is called good parenting. They will complain. You would have very unusual kids if they didn't.

You should not do it all. If they don't like the decor, they can paint. It will be good for them to learn how to do that.

They also need to understand that griping behind someone's back and doing nothing themselves to resolve something they don't like is pointless and upsets the person they do it to when they inevitably find out.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 23/06/2023 09:01

To add context around my comments, my DDs have done their own laundry (with help as age appropriate) since they were 8. They set the table and clear the dishes to the side (I won’t let them near my dishwasher!) if they want things ironing they put them in a neat pile for our wonderful cleaner. If they want her to clean their rooms they must be tidy. Anything they don’t clear up, one warning and it goes in the bin. I work FT and they need to be prepared to live in the real world as adults. Yes this is a hard way to live and we argue about it, but I simply don’t have time to be their skivvy as well as work. Sometimes things slide but to be fair they have good habits in the main now. Not a chance would I let them bring their own pet in to the home though.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 23/06/2023 09:02

Frequency · 23/06/2023 08:54

They are 19 and 16. The shitting dog belongs to the 19yo. To be completely fair to the 19yo she does cook the evening meal sometimes and also has severe mental health issues. The 16yo does fuck all.

They are old enough to be helping, missus. Get shouting at them again, if they don't like it they can move out (well the oldest anyway.)
They are taking the piss out of you, moaning they don't like how things are yet won't even help their own mother whose grieving and working herself to the bone.
I wouldn't have that if she can't feed her dog or clean up after it I'd be rehoming it.

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2023 09:04

OP, I’m so sorry.

You’re bereaved and your DDs are bereaved. Cut yourself some slack.

Fuck the decorating. And of course they should be helping you and of course your 19-yo should be a better dog owner, MH issues or not.

You sound lovely. Cut yourself some slack. Flowers

SauceForTheGoose · 23/06/2023 09:05
  1. teenagers are selfish and lazy - fact. I have teenagers and they are outraged when asked to do anything to help. Ignore those messages.
  2. cut yourself some slack - you're doing this on your own.
  3. a bit at a time. Use a timer and keep it to a bite size productive burst.
  4. don't pay any attention to social media
PushmePull · 23/06/2023 09:06

You're not doing anything wrong except expecting the impossible of yourself.

No one would be on top of DIY in these circs. No one. It's not reasonable for you to pick up and clean up endlessly after older teens. You're a team, they should be pitching in. Maybe your ex was just wrong to nod along with them. But I nod along with mine all the time so they feel listened to - especially with kids with MH difficulties you don't challenge every word they say at the time.

Don't be a martyr to something they all said some time ago. Their opinions on those random days in the past are just a snapshot of history, they might even be embarrassed they ever wrote them. It would be normal and fine for you to insist on them helping more because you CAN'T do it all.

Btw your eldest knows you are feeding her dog, so she doesn't have to. If you're going to lay down the law, choose things you can follow through with

nutbrownhare15 · 23/06/2023 09:06

I think you need to say the pet goes unless she feeds it and picks up after it. Mean it. My kids are younger but one thing that has worked (mostly) is everybody pitching in at the same time to tidy or clean. They need to be sharing the dishes and floors tasks with you so you can get to other things. 2 nights per week for each task isn't unreasonable. Talk to them about a routine that will work for you all (focusing on.when you are all on the house) and what will happen if they don't do their tasks. You also need to talk together about other tasks they can take on so that you are sharing the load. I'd say a 20-20-60 split with you doing the 60% is reasonable. Work out how they can help you with decorating- do it together. Tell them you don't want to shout or nag any more so what are their suggestions for making sure the work gets done, what are the consequences of they don't, and how will you reward yourselves once all the tasks are done for the day or the week. Having some sort of rota so it's clear what they should be doing and put it on the fridge or set alarms on their phones.