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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should take his own child to school?

489 replies

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 23/06/2023 08:40

I have a neighbour who's child is my daughters class, every day this past week this child has showed up at my door unaccompanied to go to school with us - this would be fine but my child has ADHD and mornings are chaotic and difficult. I don't have this child's parents phone numbers, and don't know exactly where they live! However I just saw the parent in their car driving away as I was trying to bundle all 3 children across the car park.....this child is very young and so I don't feel comfortable sending them home alone and clearly the parent isn't waiting for them to get home before leaving themselves! I don't have any contact with these parents so if something were to happen I wouldn't be able to let them know, we are also going away soon and won't be able to take him to school! AIBU to think this is really cheeky of the parents and that you shouldn't just assume another parent will take yours to school with no prior conversation at all!

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 24/06/2023 01:27

aloris · 24/06/2023 01:23

The thing is, if it is legal for him to let his child walk to school alone, then it ties the school's hands somewhat. They may have no way to force the father to accompany his child to school. It's only one busy road, but that's enough for a child to get killed! I seem to recall the research is that children cannot judge whether it's safe to cross a road (i.e. can't judge regarding whether a car is too close, etc) until age 9. So although the optimal outcome here is that the father drives or walks his OWN child to school, your choices might in fact be: (1) stay out of it, child walks to school alone or (2) you informally keep letting child walk with you.

Surely that depends on whether there is a traffic light? Children much younger than nine can understand and obey traffic lights in my experience.

aloris · 24/06/2023 01:36

Honeychickpea · 24/06/2023 01:27

Surely that depends on whether there is a traffic light? Children much younger than nine can understand and obey traffic lights in my experience.

Show quote history

I'm not sure of the details of the research. Even with a traffic light, I think there could be situations where the child had to make a judgement. For example, the walk signal begins, but an adult is blocking him, looking at their cell phone or something, and he can't begin to cross immediately. Does he start crossing or not? Or, he starts crossing and a large, rude person barrels past him in the middle of the road and doesn't notice that there's a small obstacle in the roadway. Is he able to get himself up fast enough to finish crossing before the light changes? 8 is the age of reason, I don't think it's crazy to think that a 7 year old might have a hard time in certain situations, even with a light. And we don't know if there is a traffic light on this road.

Anyway, my point is that everyone is saying OP should tell the school that this father is letting his kid walk the streets alone, which is why the kid is going to OP's house. I'm saying the school might not be able to make the father drop his kid at school. That doesn't necessarily mean the walk to school is safe for the child. Sometimes there are gaps between the law and what's really safe. So the OP's choice is not necessarily (a) tell the school, school will make sure dad does correct thing, kid will be taken care of vs (b) keep walking the kid to school. Instead, OP's choices might be between (a) tell school, school can't do anything, kid walks to school alone vs (b) keep walking kid to school.

ImustLearn2Cook · 24/06/2023 03:24

It is only a short walk and my child tends to take over the conversation for the entire walk as well so it's not that I don't talk to the child at all but they do run ahead a bit and chatter together while I'm walking slowly with my youngest.

Is it possible that the child being a school friend of your child has just asked his parents if he can walk to school with you and they think that you are ok with it?

It could just be a misunderstanding that could easily be resolved with communication. Ask the child to tell you where they live and you go over there and let them know that you don’t feel comfortable supervising their child walking to school.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 24/06/2023 04:45

I really do not get why people only read the first post of a thread! Do they really think their contribution is so unique and inventive that no one else could possibly have said it already? Or is it just laziness? Do they do it in real life, just shouting their random opinion in the middle of other people chatting? I mean, if you can't be bothered reading, what are you doing here?

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 24/06/2023 07:54

Dumpling2 · 23/06/2023 22:10

See I’d say that whether it’s safe for that particular child to walk unaccompanied to school depends on that child’s maturity and ability to keep themselves safe. If they aren’t able to keep themselves safe and know how to respond to accidents, it’d be a form of ‘neglect’ to let them be unsupervised in public according to the definition in KCSIE. That’s regardless of the minimum age set by the school for which pupils they allow to walk there. The fact that there’s no legal age works both ways. But I’d say many 7 year olds aren’t yet mature enough and from the behaviour the OP describes it doesn’t sound like this child is.

Show quote history

So would I.
But the OP's school has decided differently, presumably because of its location/distance from residential areas etc.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/06/2023 08:15

and seems confused when I've asked him what he does if I'm not here, and just shrugs

That’s odd that he didn’t seem to understand that-it’s a simple enough question-especially as the day before you’d taken your child to breakfast club and wouldn‘t have been home. If there is some sort of language delay/processing difficulty then he may not be best placed for travelling to school independently yet.

What is your plan for Monday/next week, OP?

Daisydu · 24/06/2023 08:33

At my kids school they are allowed to walk to and from school from year 3, that can be as young as 7. Doesn’t mean it’s right, or that every child is ready, but that’s the rules. Surely the kid talks?? Have you asked where the parents are? I think although it’s annoying having a kid dropped on you, it’s not necessarily a safeguarding thing. Maybe the parent isn’t requiring you to take their kid to school and just think they are tagging along with you as they like your son? But yeah speak to school, tell them your concerns.

Mirabai · 24/06/2023 08:58

In case the school doesn’t act. I would give the child a letter to put in their bag to give to their parents asking them to contact you.

CarnelianArtist · 24/06/2023 09:01

I think this is laziness from the parents, either than or they have issues. Ask the child where they live or if that doesn't work I agree report it to the school. It's rude, I would never just expect this from someone.

Lollipop81 · 24/06/2023 09:12

I would be reporting them to social services.

ginslinger · 24/06/2023 09:36

this thread is a gift - I haven't laughed so much since I don't know when

Stompythedinosaur · 24/06/2023 10:04

I think I'd be going to the house after school to discuss.

Individewl · 24/06/2023 10:22

My neighbour tried this, she had a conversation with me asking me what days I work etc and then just sent her son round on a day she knew I was taking my kids to school, that day I had a doctors appointment and actually was really unwell and wasn’t able to answer the door as I was in the bathroom, by the time I got to the door the child wasn’t there. The next week the same thing happened, I saw his mum walking up the street going to work so I quickly caught up with her and explained that I can’t take her child to school as I have to drop my younger daughter to nursery first and also we hadn’t agreed or discussed anything. She was fine with it and think she realised how cheeky it was and seemed a bit embarrassed. I will happily help neighbours or friends but it was the way that she went about it that really ticked me off!

ChrisPPancake · 24/06/2023 10:47

BreaktheCycle · 23/06/2023 23:45

Why should OP just carry on?

In their opening post, OP stated that their child has ADHD and their mornings are chaotic and difficult.

Why does OP need to also deal with this in her already stressful mornings, by continuing to provide free unpaid labour (childcare) for this child with unknown parents?
Would you expect a random male neighbour to also just carry on with it?

And what would happen to this child if OP needs to leave home earlier to take their DC to the school’s Breakfast Club (like they did yesterday) and this neighbour’s child turns up at her door, nobody is in, and their parents have already zoomed off in their car to go to work. The school may only be down the road, but who is responsible for this unaccompanied 7 year old child then??

Show quote history

I haven't read that the child is coming into the house for breakfast or anything, but is meeting them outside as they're leaving. I may have missed something though?

And if the parents had had the conversation with the op (as I said) and got details etc then the not being there situation wouldn't arise. And the child's parents always have ultimate responsibility for their child.

And a 'random' man, no. But a male parent doing the same school run for a friend of the child concerned, why not? Again though with prior arrangement and consent.

But tbh even with the dc being friends (and the parents being reasonable) I didn't say op should, I said I would.

Cornchip · 24/06/2023 10:56

OP should not just carry on.

While this child is with OP, the child is under OPs care. If anything was to happen it would be OP in the shit. And considering OP clearly has her hands full in the morning, it’s completely inappropriate.

What happens if OPs family comes down with a bug and all kids can’t attend school for a week? What happens to this kid? Does OP just leave the child outside? Does she leave her kids home alone to walk the kid to school?

This child is being neglected. There’s nothing wrong with asking if your child could go to school with another family but

  1. you have to ask
  2. if they say no you have to take your child yourself
Anna79ishere · 24/06/2023 11:08

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 23/06/2023 09:25

Again, I'm not expecting the school to pass on the childs details to me I'm simply informing the school of that is happening.

And yes we walk to school, I don't drive and I certainly wouldn't be putting a child in the car without a carseat. I wouldn't even send the child home alone. I don't see the parent at all in the mornings. I can't wait outside for them, I have enough on my plate trying to sort my own two children. Obviously it's a concern but I'm not going to send a child away, and I have to get my two to school on time and then get to work. The first few times as a once off I was willing to let it go as the child isnt in danger with me - not that it makes it less concerning - but now yes, the school are informed. I see that I should have contacted them before but I don't think I've been the irresponsible parent in this situation.

Your behaviour and what you did for 5 days is as concerning as the behaviour of the parents of this poor child. You drop him to school for 5 days, you do not ask him where his parents are, where he leaves, why his parents are not with them. At 7 they can tell all of this. Then you just go to work and the same happen for 5 days till you think to write on mumsnet asking if it is not cheeky???!! In which world you live? How can not you think this is a safeguarding issue, try to contact the parents the same morning by going to their house with the kid, if they had left, go to school straight and report it? I get you need to go to work but this warrants being late, or would you also pass by a car accident without stopping and asking for hall as your morning is hectic and you need to go to school?

Bubblyb00b · 24/06/2023 11:19

I really wonder why some people bother commenting without even making an effort of reading all of the OP's posts, never mind all of the thread. OP doesn't even know where the child lives, and the kid themselves is not sure why he is at OP's house and why she had to walk them to school. The whole situation is super weird, as in my experience a 7yo definitely have the ability to say "I wanted to go to school with you and Johnny and my daddy said its ok" or something of a kind.

I would not be doing what OP doing simply because I don't like people taking the piss and would have taken the kid back to his parents as soon as he appears. If no parents, would have taken him to school and told the school he was abandoned so they can deal with it.

IncompleteSenten · 24/06/2023 11:34

Sigmama · 23/06/2023 15:19

What does HTH mean

Hope That Helps.

Except it is generally used sarcastically and they don't hope it helps.

It's mostly used to imply the person they've used it at is stupid.

Abirowen · 24/06/2023 14:08

At times children make their own arrangements , explore if your child has invited them or your child has agreed , so you can tell the parent , you do not have to take responsibility of this child, and are being very caring wait on the road amd when you see them coming go straight and tell the parent you dont understand why theyre child is expecting a lift with you.

EekGoesTheBaby · 24/06/2023 15:27

Well, at least the OP has informed the school now. Not sure what can be done if the child is allowed to walk alone to school and has decided to hang around OP's house to walk together. Can't believe the parents have just left them to it. The child went INTO a stranger's house! Obviously not mature enoughn to be walking to school alone.

NannaKaren · 24/06/2023 17:42

Cheeky devils - yes tell
sch !!!!!!!!! Poor child and thank you x

Tirednic72 · 24/06/2023 18:02

Report to school. It’s a safeguarding concern.

Bambiwithlonglegs · 24/06/2023 18:05

I would take the child to the Police station and say this child keep showing up at my doorstep!
As taking the child to school is putting yourself seriously at risk!

MrsWeasley · 24/06/2023 18:08

What if you aren’t going to school? Sickness bugs , covid etc

Personally I would drop a note in the child’s bag saying you have errands to run and won’t be able to take xxxx to school. I would definitely also contact the safeguarding lead at the school and let them know. Pointing out all you’ve said - no contact details incase of accidents. no agreement, Etc.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 24/06/2023 18:13

There is no way I would let a child I don’t know, whose address and parents I don’t know get into my car.

Much less so not having actual confirmation of the parents’ permission for the kid to travel with me.

What happens if something happens to him while he is under your “care”, imagine you have a crash and the parents say they cannot understand why you had their child in your car when the kid was meant to be walking to school? What if he says that you or your kid have done something to him.

Stop the lifts and report to the police.