To refuse to buy more school uniform

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

I'm so angry. DSC comed to our house every other weekend, pick up on a Thursday and drop to school on Friday, have them in the weekend and drop to school Monday.
If he has his PE day then we don't get sent a uniform so we put him in the uniform from ours on the Friday and Monday then never get it back.
Picked him up yesterday and he was in PE kit, had trousers in his bag and no school shirt. We no longer have shorts or a polo shirt at ours.
AIBU to say no more, we are no longer buying new uniform every other week!
But what do we then send him to school in??

How old is he?

And it gets worse, he has just asked us if we can get him new school shoes as his are too small. Have no problems getting him school shoes, but not on the morning he has to go to school

Supply 3 or so tops/trousers, then Send him in his PE kit.

Can you not pop to the mother's house and pick one up? Who are you angry with exactly? Has he left it at school or did he go in in kit and she should have packed it?

8 but has ADHD and ongoing assessments for other additional needs, so he's not the most organised.

The I'm not sure who I'm angry with, just the situation I guess. Uniform isn't at school so at mums and mum will be at work so can't pick it up.

Mum needs to send it as that is what maintenance is paid for. If she doesn’t I’d send him back in PE kit. At least if he gets sent home it’s her time to pick up! No way would I be shelling out on uniform every other week! And then shoes on top of that- no way!

Your partner ( his parent) needs to deal with this by speaking to the other parent. If that doesn't work they need to speak to the school.
How old is the child?
The shoes situation is concerning.
Is child being neglected by his other parent?

I'd send the mum a message and say that all the uniform reserves at yours have been sent back to her house so you have none now for Monday - can she drop some off.

He is only 8. His parents need to sort this out.

I would just send him in what he has. Once he has been in trouble a couple of times his mum will pack the correct uniform. Continuing to buy it will just mean you will always be buying it.

No no, I'm not concerned about neglect, I think mum is just disorganised, he has apparently been going to school in his trainers, so I think mum was hoping we would buy him new shoes, as this is normally what happens. It's just so frustrating, I feel so sorry for him as he is the one that gets told off.

Dad did speak to mum a few weeks ago, they had a proper meet up so down chat so not sure where we move forward from here.

I do know its between his parents but I'm often the one doing the pick up and drop off at school and to be honest get embarrassed

At 8, with ADHD, surely it's u p to the parents to organise school shoes. You shound incredibly harsh to be annoyed at a child for this. Talk to his mum if you have an issue. Poor kid.

I'm on no way annoyed at DSS. I try to just be smiley around him and all never mind well sort it, unfortunately I do think he can sometimes pick up on my annoyance

Tbh, and I'm a step mum myself, I don't believe maintenance does necessarily cover everything so that you then never have to get anything. I think big spends like uniform and trips probably should be split as extra costs. And ultimately if your child comes first, if they really need something you should try to facilitate that irrespective of the circumstances for their sake.

That said, this situation is untenable and no you can't keep on buying things every other week.

In your shoes OP if I had the money I would purchase a pack of plain polo shirts just for today, as he has trousers, and then he can go to school ok today. If I didnt have the money I would take him early and have a discreet word with the teacher who may be able to direct you to any old and forgotten lost property to borrow a polo.

I would then have a conversation with mum about the situation. If you've been doing this for such a long time already I'm not sure why you've not sat down and raised it and come to a solution yet. If it is that mum just won't engage (been there) to arrange a solution, I would make it clear that if uniform isn't sent with him in future he will be sent to school with what he has. No doubt the school will then raise this with mum too. But that depends if you and partner (more him as he is the actual parent and it is his decision) are happy with son going to school without.

Another way of trying to resolve this is you say you pick up on a Thursday and drop to school on Friday, have them in the weekend and drop to school Monday. So you could actually check on a Thursday if he has it and if not take him to his house to collect some uniform. I'm not sure why you didnt do this last night rather than this be an issue today. You obviously still have the opportunity after today to get him some from home over the weekend.

To be fair to the mum it is nearing the end of the year so is she waiting until September to get new shoes now? Shoes are expensive if you get Clarks for example? I would just ask the mum for some uniform reserves and ask her to drop them off for Monday - send him in PE kit today.

Well that's something.

At the end of the day your step son is also your DH's child. So he is equally responisble for uniform, rather than relying on the mum to sort it all (including for when he is with his dad), so I think you need to suck it up and sort it. Although talk to the mum about more notice.

Ask mum to return the uniforms, buy the shoes and mum can get next pair, I’d just send in pe kit and explain to school, it’s not on him to organise clothes mum needs to return them. We had a similar situation it’s very frustrating, we now return in clothes they came in washed of course but saves hassle of buying new stuff constantly.

Yes agreed, speak to the mum first to get the stuff back or arrange it to be packed. But if that has already been done and she doesn’t do it then I don’t see any other way? I wouldn’t be paying out all the time for extra supplies that then never resurfaces . The money just isn’t there for many people these days and anything that gets spent on unnecessary stuff like that will be missing for more meaningful activities for the child. I know we couldn’t afford to keep doing this.

At primary school most schools won't mind him coming in pe kit on the wrong day as a one off. Just have a word with the teacher on drop off and explain all his uniform is at his mums. Then when his mum gets in from work, go round an pick up 3 sets of uniform (or whatever you bought), and they live at your house, and get returned next visit if he leaves in them.

I'd probably offer to give her half for the school shoes.

Send a note to school about the shoes. Lots of kids end up in trainers for the last few weeks of term and, especially in primary, no one is likely to be bothered.

Get DH to talk to his ex re uniform. I have the opposite problem with my DC as they go to their dad in casual clothes and come back to me in uniform, so I end up with loads of uniform and no weekend clothes, and vice versa. We just swap every few weeks.

If they have the child 4/14 then they should pay for 4/14 of the costs of uniform or buy about a third of the total he needs. Maintenance is reduced by contact time.

If he is in PE kit on a Thursday then he needs to bring uniform to school with him, then PE kit with him on the Monday. It isn't fair if his mum isn't facilitating this.

His mum or dad needs to be organised, don't make excuses for her or any one else's disorganisation.

Incorrect. Maintenance is paid to plug the gap between what the dad actually has with him and a 50/50 arrangement. It's not "here is my contribution to everything ds costs" but "here is the bit I owe because I don't have 50/50"

I'd say both houses should have a sufficient stock of uniform (excluding shoes), and once a month or so the parents arrange to balance the supplies back to 50/50.

Maintenance is reduced by contact time yes but you don't pay maintenance at the percentage you have them, the reduction is based on that. So for example if you have them 25% of the time you don't only pay 25%. Households also have different budgets so paying 4/14 toward uniform isnt necessarily fair.

I also personally think as a parent that I wouldnt want my child to go without if I had the money. Its sad to me that so many non resident parents would apparently be happy to only pay their mandatory maintenance even if it meant their child going without when if they were still with their ex I doubt they'd only put in the minimum financially. I say this as a step mum and breadwinner in my home. I'd be very disappointed in my partner if we split and he took that attitude but actually in his shoes as I earn more if he had the kids not me there's no way I'd be rigid to my mandatory amount if I knew I had more money than him and my kids were going without (tbh even if I had less income but if I knew I could stretch to it, I would for my kids as its not about him).

Too many people get fixated on the other parent and what they should pay and not enough focus on what is best for the children even if it feels unfair that the other parent isn't contributing as much.

And OP if ex has been sending him in trainers maybe ask her if thats because she's waiting to new school year to get shoes or not as there isn't any point buying them now if that's the case. And perhaps your partner should be buying the shoes or at least asking what the uniform costs will be and contributing fairly