To refuse to buy more school uniform

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

I'm so angry. DSC comed to our house every other weekend, pick up on a Thursday and drop to school on Friday, have them in the weekend and drop to school Monday.
If he has his PE day then we don't get sent a uniform so we put him in the uniform from ours on the Friday and Monday then never get it back.
Picked him up yesterday and he was in PE kit, had trousers in his bag and no school shirt. We no longer have shorts or a polo shirt at ours.
AIBU to say no more, we are no longer buying new uniform every other week!
But what do we then send him to school in??

Maybe dh needs to pick up the phone and say to his ex "the uniform thing isn't working. We send ds to school in uniform we supply and we never get any back, so he doesn't have any for Fridays. Either (1) you send him with a set in his bag every Thursday, (2) we arrange a monthly meet up where you send half his uniform back to me or (3) we rejig contact so that he is back with you, and all the uniform, every Sunday evening and he comes to me a day earlier in the week instead"

Has your dh asked his mum to pack uniform? Maybe your dh just has to remind her each week until she gets into the routine?

Fixed it for you.

Can you change for a different day for swap over so it’s not on pe day? This happens to me as we do a 5/5/2/2 routine, I would notice if I had all the clothes but I have to text dad to say I need a jumper, 2 tops, tights returned etc. We have bigger issues with casual clothes then school uniform in our situation. can’t wait until both are at school and we do week about with a weeknight swap over, they’ll go to school in uniform and return in school uniform and there will be no clothes issues!

What exactly do you think the school will do?

Probably nothing at this point, but they will pay attention and notice if there are any other signs that are concerning. It is basic safeguarding advice.

Poor kid. My DSes have ADHD and really need adults to train them to have everything (my 11 year old is very good now. The 9 year old is getting there). He needs both parents to remind him and talk him through needing pe kit and uniform.

Re last minute shoes being too small - my 11 year old always tells me when he has just put the shoes on to leave the house (when I obviously can't do anything) He just can't seem to remember at any other time. Also he has a tendency to downplay shoes being too small and will wait for weeks because he's worried about costing us money. If your DSS hears you saying you're wasting money on uniform that never comes back etc he may internalise that worry and not want to tell you about shoes. I've had to really emphasize (several times) to my 11 year old that shoes are one of the things that I will ALWAYS replace when necessary and not to worry about money.

His parents have to sort this out. At eight years old, it’s not his job and it would be unfair to send him to school in anything other than uniform, because it will be him who gets told off or feels awkward about it

I have adhders. Could his dad make him a visual packing list for a bag to bring to yours. Attach it to the bag with cable tie or similar. Dc can then pop items in the bag and take it to school with him.

As frustrating as it is, remember that in the middle of this is a child. Buy him the clothes and shoes. Let your partner deal with his ex. Your SC will pick up on your resentment about his situation and this is not conducive with your partner and his child’s relationship.

be the bigger person - suck it up. Kids are expensive and you’ve chosen to be with someone who has kids. This sort of thing is par of the course

Lost property box. There will be loads of unnamed uniform in the lost property, I will eat my hat if there isn't. Take your pick from there.

@TryAgainAnotherDay firstly: shoes. It is really common at this time of year for children to have grown out of them, and try to wear trainers to school. Parents don't like to buy more, as they will be grown out of by September. Speak to the school and see whether they can wear trainers until summer hols. You won't be the only family with this request - and school might say yes. Obviously it's easier if the trainers are black. If they need new trainers too then maybe consider getting a black pair if they can wear it to school in the next month.

Next - uniform: I know families in your position who buy a lot of uniform second hand and there they can have a stash at both houses. Can you buy it second hand from school? Any other families looking to hand it down? Some schools give it away second hand if you ask - do they have a supply in reception?

If you do buy more, buy the next size up and most importantly make sure it's really well labelled so doesn't get lost.

I do know its between his parents but I'm often the one doing the pick up and drop off at school and to be honest get embarrassed

Well don't. It's not your problem is it it's his useless parents who can't get organised. You're going above and beyond to take him to school. Just tell the teacher mum and dad screwed up again.

Plus if you keep solving the problem they won't and he will have no chance of learning.

Get a spare from lost property until September

It absolutely isn't par for the course. My DH and his Ex are organised and make sure their children's clothes are where they need to be

That's a good idea, it will at least give him a chance

Glad you said that!

I agree. I think they are both relying on you too much, they have to parent their kid and the kid has the parents he has.

Thank you.

There are some really good pointers and ideas that I can definitely use for both ensuring he has uniform and helping him alongside his ADHD.

We have picture lists at home that work very well, but never thought to put one in his bag.

It is not par for the course for the OP and her DH to have to constantly buy more uniform because bone comes back, it is bad organisation by the parents!

I share custody with ExDH, we have a routine of buying DD stuff that stays at our own respective houses and only one lot of uniform cycles between us (she leaves one house to got to school Monday AM and returns to the other house after school Monday PM for the week) but if she has forgotten anything or there is something bigger (eg a project she has been working on for multiple weeks, she is secondary now) then she informs us and we organise to get the items moved between our houses however is easiest and most convenient. ExDH and I get on well so we are both happy to do the odd drop off/pick up of stuff even if it is not our week.

First of all, he’s 8 so there’s no way any of this responsibility should be put on him. It is entirely the parents responsibility to make sure that he has clean clothes available.

You say you have uniform that belongs at your house but if he wears it to school on Monday it never comes back. Make sure you have a few days worth and chase the mum to return any missing ones BEFORE it runs out, don’t just wait till it’s already gone. And please, please, please don’t just send him in in the wrong thing. You say you find it embarrassing when you take him to school, but you’re only there for a few minutes, and it’s not even you that’s wearing the wrong clothes. Imagine how he feels. It’s likely that the other kids will be noticing that he’s often in the wrong clothes and could start being singled out for this. Don’t let you and your partners refusal to deal with this with his mother end up in him being bullied. In amongst it all he is an innocent child and none of this is his fault.