To refuse to buy more school uniform

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

I'm so angry. DSC comed to our house every other weekend, pick up on a Thursday and drop to school on Friday, have them in the weekend and drop to school Monday.
If he has his PE day then we don't get sent a uniform so we put him in the uniform from ours on the Friday and Monday then never get it back.
Picked him up yesterday and he was in PE kit, had trousers in his bag and no school shirt. We no longer have shorts or a polo shirt at ours.
AIBU to say no more, we are no longer buying new uniform every other week!
But what do we then send him to school in??

School might have a spare top (lost property) or sell on second hand ones which might sort him for today.
All kids pull the 'my shoes/trainers' are too small at inconvenient times!

Yes save for balancing stock to appropriate amount for how many days they have them irrespective of who paid for the uniform.

Its a shame people get so hung up on rigidly paying maintenance not focusing on what the child needs and can't be sensible like you suggest

PP are missing the point that several sets of uniform have been bought by the OP and her partner but nothing is being returned from the other parents house.

OP, you need to get the kids parents to deal with this one. Perhaps you don’t do the drop offs and pickups, if your partner can’t sort the uniform issue and you’re finding it stressful.

In this situation I'd say stop trying to make it all right, take the emotion out of the situation and then send him to school in what he has. I had this conversation with someone the other month. One time sending child in wearing yesterday's (washed) PE kit and a note to the teacher saying "I apologise, but all the child's uniform is with his other parent" and the impact was shifted. Other parent had to switch from trying to embarrass their ex to dealing with a cross and rightly annoyed child. Sometimes you have to let the consequences come.

Re the shoes, you could ask school if they would let him wear trainers for the rest of the year. Ours wouldn't expect new shoes to be bought in late June.

Re the uniform keep encouraging him to change back after PE and ask his teacher to help remind him. He's still only little. Obv the main thing is to get his uniform back from his mum, and it would be well worth his dad collecting it rather than fighting for her to drop it off. Maybe he could have different colour nametapes in clothes you give him so it's easier to spot when stuff ends up at his mum's. How embarrassing, though, to be dropped off in PE kit though because your parents are fighting over your clothes, and potentially have a whole day of other kids asking why you're not in normal uniform. Please don't do that to him.

The shirt may also have gone AWOL at school. Well named things do come back to Lost Property pretty reliably, but it can take a week or more, and needs the parent to sort through the piles to find it.

I would definitely be asking for some sort of uniform sort out, it's just not sustainable for uniform to constantly be leaving your house and never coming back - ExDH and I have 50/50 custody and she spends a week with each of us, from end of school Monday to start of school the following Monday, that way DD always leaves in full uniform and comes back in full uniform so only one set ever swaps houses.

Obviously in your case there's less circular back and forth so next time he gets dropped off then just ask for his mum to have X number of tops ready for you to take home with you to restore your stocks.

As for the shoes, at this point in the term does his school even care? DDs primary were big on uniform but even they got to the last half of the summer term and we're fine with kids showing up in whatever they had that fit rather than insisting on full correct uniform as parents didn't want to buy new shoes/skirts for a couple of weeks knowing that they won't fit the kids after summer.

Maintenance is reduced by contact time yes but you don't pay maintenance at the percentage you have them, the reduction is based on that. So for example if you have them 25% of the time you don't only pay 25%. Households also have different budgets so paying 4/14 toward uniform isnt necessarily fair.

I didn't say it was the based on the percentage they have them. Maintenance is towards the costs of the child when they are with the other parent, you still cover the child's costs on your time which would be 4/14 of the total. I think that is fair. If the other parent wants to buy more expensive uniform then you don't have to.

Absolutely this

So you knew last night he had no uniform? Surely the mum wasn’t working last night and this morning. It’s really annoying but for the sake of dss an adult needs to pick up uniform.

Ok so yes agree you cover the costs on your time. So food, trips you take them on, travel etc. But things like uniform aren't that simple are they? You wouldn't necessarily have an amount that easily splits into the time you have them i.e. a set per day or 2 days if, for example, they have a blazer or expensive top with logo. And also just because you only have them 4 days in 14 doesnt mean its fair that you only pay uniform 4 days in 14. Maintenance is reduced based on how much you have them but maintenance isn't due or not due based on how much you have them - what i mean is you pay maintenance because they're your child and responsibility. You don't, for example, pay nothing if you don't get to see them. I had understood you to be saying that if you have the child 4/14 you should only pay 4/14 of the costs and thats what I dont agree with if I've interpreted you correctly

I would be raising concerns with the school and letting them know there’s a problem so at least he doesn’t get in trouble for wearing the wrong clothes. School can be very understanding about textbooks etc when there are two homes and they know the background.

Stop being embarassed you aren't either of the parents. You are just one of the adult who is allowed to do the school run for them.

Simply tell whoever at the school he doesn't have school uniform at your house and they need to contact his mother to sort it out if they are unhappy.

Then ask your DP to speak to his mother about the school shoes and uniform, and say one of them need to speak to the school about it as you can't do it as you don't have parental responsibility for him.

I wouldn’t be buying new shoes at this stage of the term. He’d wear them for 3 weeks then they’d be too small by September. It’s only primary school, they’re generally more flexible, just explain that he’ll be wearing trainers till the end of term.

Regarding the uniform - again I would explain to the school that there is movement of clothing between 2 houses and it can be chaotic, so can he borrow some from lost property. Also, do the shirts have a logo? If not then I’d buy a load of them, because kids lose their stuff all the time.

He's a child with ADHD and pretty shitty parents. They both need to take responsibility for making sure he has what he needs. If your DH knows his ex is likely to have forgotten uniform he needs to be checking asap. Yes it's not his fault, but one parent needs to be solid rather than punishing a child.

I hate that children have to pack their life into their school bag for contact time.

If his mum isn't going to step up then his dad needs to. He needs to be with a parent who will help him learn strategies to manage his ADHD, not let things spiral further out of control.

What happens at mums with reading, homework etc?

You don't, for example, pay nothing if you don't get to see them. I had understood you to be saying that if you have the child 4/14 you should only pay 4/14 of the costs and thats what I dont agree with if I've interpreted you correctly

Well no, you would pay maintenance with no reduction at all, so more if you don't see the children. I think we will have to agree to disagree as I think 4/14 is fair, the maintenance is there to make that up to half. Blazers, shoes etc can be shared costs as you wouldn't buy your own.

8 is really young - can you speak to the mum or dad about this?

The parents (not you) to to arrange to reposition clothing as and when required eg if there's 4 sets every two weeks it needs to be sent back

I totally feel you on this. My DSS comes to ours usually in his school uniform so when he goes home he wears clothes from Our house which results in never getting the clothes back. we often have to nip to the shop to buy him more jeans as he has a few pairs usually at ours but they never come back. Pants are an issue as well, he’s a little bigger than the average his age so he wears small men’s quality ones that are not cheap - pants are not cheap for men. So his mum, I swear sends him in the tiny little boxers that are ages to small for him and he obviously wears ours back cause they fit and aren’t like hot pants on him. It’s so frustrating , he gained a fair bit of weight through covid which doesn’t seem to be going anywhere but his mum refuses to buy clothes that actually fit him , his age clothing doesn’t fit but she won’t buy anything else.

This is an excellent explanation re maintenance. It plugs the gap, and that’s why CMS (for what they’re worth) calculate as they do.

But YANBU OP. I have this in reverse - exh picking up ds from school on a Friday in uniform, dropping him back Sunday eve with no uniform. After a couple of weeks, I have none of the sets I bought! Ds (and Dd when younger) were meant to be dropped off at school on a Monday by exh to avoid this - and for other reasons - but it quickly became Sunday night ad he got so moody when he didn’t have his Sunday nights to himself 🙄

My ds is 9 and has ADHD too (diagnosed not made up for those who like to nit pick) - he’s getting better at organising his own stuff as his dad is so crap at it!

So you send him in uniform you've bought but he goes hone to his muns and the uniform never comes back?

Can you not just wash what he's wearing when you collect, send him back in that.

He comes to us in PE kit and we send him back in uniform.

Husband calls the mother and asks if he can pick up some uniform

Yep same at my son's school (although kids are now allowed to wear trainers all year now).

Another tip is to go and get loads of uniform as back up. Does the school have a lost property /second hand sale at all? Ours does and jumpers/short are 50p and great to have as back up.

Have you asked his mum to pack uniform? Maybe you just have to remind her each week until she gets into the routine? We have a similar situation and we send in pe kit and pack a uniform and step child’s mum sends in uniform and packs a pe kit so neither of us are ever down a set