Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Tell Estranged stepdaughter about her sick father

71 replies

Notsurewhat2do · 22/06/2023 11:43

I'm not here to discuss why she stopped contact but my step daughter who is now in her 30s decided she didn't want a relationship with me (in particular), her Dad or her teenage siblings who adored her. We've not heard from her in about 5 years now. We only hear about her from other family members.

Her Dad has cancer and he hasn't told her.
I don't want her back in our lives from a selfish perspective but lately I've wondered if I should reach out and tell her about her Dad. Or has she made her decision and needs to stand by it?

Part of me thinks if she suddenly decides she wants to know because he is sick then that isn't great. She made her decision.

The other part thinks it would be nice for him to no longer be cast aside and for our children. I could manage to be civil....just.

Yabu - of course you must tell her even though her Dad doesn't intend to.

Yanbu - keep your nose out. Don't invite that drama back in. She made her decision and she should live with that.

OP posts:

sparebooks · 22/06/2023 11:48

Hmm. What does your DH think, have you discussed it with him?

Twospaniels · 22/06/2023 11:49

I think it’s up to your husband to decide whether to contact her and tell her.

DisgustingBrother · 22/06/2023 11:51

It's up to DH.

Original poster

Notsurewhat2do · 22/06/2023 11:52

I've not mentioned it. When first diagnosed he said he didnt intend to tell her.

OP posts:

x2boys · 22/06/2023 11:53

It's very difficult isn't it?
My Dh,now adult daughter doesn't want to have much to do with us either her choice ,I do have her on Facebook though and she will ironically occasionally message me if she wants to pass on any !messages
I did let her know when my son was critically ill a few months ago he's her half brother but only when he was getting better but it's so difficult we keep reaching out with very little back.

Hadalifeonce · 22/06/2023 11:54

You have to go with what your DH wants to do. If he is happy for you to contact her, then do it; but you must both decide if this is an opening for her to come back into your lives or not.

MariaVT65 · 22/06/2023 11:54

IMO it depends on the reason they are estranged. I am estranged from my dad, and I wouldn’t care if he was ill or not.

LisaD1 · 22/06/2023 11:54

It will depend why contact stopped and what your DH wants. There’s a chance you could reach out and she will reject contact, how will that make your DH feel? Would he prefer not to try? You need to be guided by his wants here.

As an aside I have no contact with my parents, I don’t want to know if they get sick or if they die. I’ve already grieved for them and nothing will take me back to their toxicity. Maybe your SD feels the same, maybe not. Only you all know.

LetItGoHome · 22/06/2023 11:55

I don't.think it's for you to decide either way. I'd just keep communication open with your husband and be led by him.

AliceOlive · 22/06/2023 11:57

It’s such an individual situation. You have to think about the various ways she could react and how it would feel to him if she knows but doesn’t care at all.

NotBotheredAnymore · 22/06/2023 11:57

It's up to DH if he wants to resume contact, with the slight caveat if he only had a couple of months to live then I feel she should be told.

TidyDancer · 22/06/2023 12:00

You have to take your DH's lead on this. Of course the reason for the estrangement is relevant but ultimately this is your DH's decision to make about whether to reach out.

ScribblingPixie · 22/06/2023 12:04

Don't give your DH any stress, OP. This decision is for him to make.

Nordicrain · 22/06/2023 12:12

I do think it's relevant to your question why she cut contact. Say you or her dad were abusive to her, that might change people's answers.

However assuming nothing like that. I would encourage your DH to tell her, or let you tell her. This could potentially be with her for the rest of her life otherwise. I feel she has a right to know.

Pkhsvd · 22/06/2023 12:19

It’s his decision and if you contact her and it goes badly it’s you that will be blamed. I’d stay out of it

Softoprider · 22/06/2023 12:25

I also think the reason she stopped all contact is relevant and even though you will not discuss it the reason alone surely dictates the decision whether to tell her or not

Twatalert · 22/06/2023 12:38

Respect her NC. Going NC is very difficult for someone and she has likely thought about the illness scenario.

I'm not even sure why you are getting involved. Let this be her's and her father's decision.

Besides, the tone of your post gives me the ick. She's NC. You haven't even discussed with your husband if he wants to tell her, you clearly despise her, so I am not even sure why you are getting involved. It's not your place AT ALL, you know?

Makemyday99 · 22/06/2023 12:42

She didn’t care when he was well so why would she care when he’s ill. I wouldn’t bother letting her know, if he wants to then fine but I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell her. I am nc with my ss & there’s no way I’d contact him for any reason

drpet49 · 22/06/2023 12:43

Softoprider · 22/06/2023 12:25

I also think the reason she stopped all contact is relevant and even though you will not discuss it the reason alone surely dictates the decision whether to tell her or not

It isn’t relevant. The OP needs to respect her husbands wishes about his health matters.

RedRiverSun · 22/06/2023 12:45

It's lovely that you care OP but she's an adult and she made her choice. I think you should respect that choice and not bring it up with DH who has enough to worry about.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 22/06/2023 12:47

Notsurewhat2do · 22/06/2023 11:52

I've not mentioned it. When first diagnosed he said he didnt intend to tell her.

There is your answer. Honour your Husbands wishes.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 22/06/2023 13:16

In sort of a similar position. My uncle is very ill with limited lifespan and it was my mum, not his wife who told his estranged children. They still don't want contact. On one hand, when it happens they'll be prepared, on the other they may feel more guilty? Not sure what's for the best tbh.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/06/2023 13:33

Your DH has told you he doesn’t intend to tell her and yet you are still thinking about doing this?

Why?

Is he physically unable to initiate contact?

Has indicated in any way that he wants to contact her?

mindutopia · 22/06/2023 13:35

This is entirely your dh's decision and nothing to do with you. I am NC with my mum, and I would honestly not want to hear from either her or her husband if she was unwell. She made her choices and she has to live by those, and not return to create more chaos for me and my children.

Original poster

Notsurewhat2do · 22/06/2023 19:08

Thanks for the responses. I get that it's hard to judge something from an anonymous post but I can assure you all there was no abuse (of us towards her) but she has some mental health issues and her decision came from something petty, but I understand it felt bigger to her. It's for this reason I think she's going to regret this down the track and I know my DH and kids would like for her to be back in their lives. My DH hasn't contacted her to respect her wishes. I just think if she knew she may change her position. Like I said - selfishly I'd be happy to not bother as she caused us a lot of hassle. I will leave it alone. Respect her decision and his and let her regret it later.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread