Tell Estranged stepdaughter about her sick father

[Notsurewhat2do]

I'm not here to discuss why she stopped contact but my step daughter who is now in her 30s decided she didn't want a relationship with me (in particular), her Dad or her teenage siblings who adored her. We've not heard from her in about 5 years now. We only hear about her from other family members.

Her Dad has cancer and he hasn't told her.
I don't want her back in our lives from a selfish perspective but lately I've wondered if I should reach out and tell her about her Dad. Or has she made her decision and needs to stand by it?

Part of me thinks if she suddenly decides she wants to know because he is sick then that isn't great. She made her decision.

The other part thinks it would be nice for him to no longer be cast aside and for our children. I could manage to be civil....just.

Yabu - of course you must tell her even though her Dad doesn't intend to.

Yanbu - keep your nose out. Don't invite that drama back in. She made her decision and she should live with that.

I think (and am not asking you to tell us OP) that for me there would be a difference between someone who has cancer for which there is treatment which could be a complete remission, and a cancer for which there is only palliative treatment (in other words a terminal illness). I'd encourage your DH to say something were it the latter.

OP, abusers are usually in denial and don't care much about what it is they do. Abuse also causes mental health issues amongst other reasons and the abused often get labeled as crazy and kicking off for something petty.

Your update isn't in the least convincing and actually full of red flags. Is there anything you or your husband did that could have led her to cut contact? I don't expect an answer.

Same thoughts. Daughter doesn’t want to hear from the OP so I don’t understand why “reach out to her”. This is none of your business OP, stay out and let dad decided if he wants to contact her or not.

Depends. Is the cancer treatable/curable? I'd be inclined not to. If terminal, let DH know that you want to tell her and see what he says.
Sometimes though, people are too proud/hurt/angry etc. to approach one another for reconciliation so an intermediary may be helpful.

I think she's going to regret this down the track ... I just think if she knew she may change her position.

You don't even like her. She probably feels the same about you If she ends up with regrets (she may not) that will be for her to deal with. She is a grown woman. Don't try and save her from herself.

Oh and OP, people don't go NC for something minor.

@Twatalert Oh yes they do in this case!. It was purely a case of not getting all the attention. She has a borderline personality disorder and it was what she needed to do but it certainly wasn't fair or reasonable.

What the hell do you know to make such a sweeping generalisation. Your name is very appropriate. I don't want to hear any more from you. I've got enough on my plate. Crawl back under your bridge. You know nothing.

Ewwww.

Of course this is mumsnet and it can never be the fault of the step child can it? Step kids can be arse holes too just like anyone else. And for @twatalert saying its got nothing to do with me, this is MY family and for the longest time I was family to my step daughter too so take your opinions and fuck off. I wish I'd never asked now.

And now we know why the step daughter is no contact 🙈🙈🙈

I can see why she went NC...

Do me a favour Twatalert. Abuser - yeah right. Because mumsnet is full of abuser step parents isn't it. So dramatic. Go tell your friends.....oh wait I forgot

GOODBYE AND THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT - SORRY I MEAN JUDGEMENT.

OP, you are clearly under a lot of stress and I am sure your intentions were good. I am sure I would be thinking similar in your situation. But you are hardly covering yourself in glory. Take a step back. Take care of yourself and your family.

Oh wow! Very clear why she’s no contact. Do her a favour and respect your husbands wishes and do not reach out to her.

Agreed

Thank god at my worst bps stages my parents or friends never spoke to me like this. It's an illness plain and simple and look how your going on at people you done even know wow!!

I don't understand why you want to get involved. Step daughter has been very clear and has maintained NC for 5 years. She knows people get ill and is - presumably - not bothered about knowing.

I think respect your husbands wishes whilst he is having treatment . Should it become terminal I think get word to her and it's up to her to make contact if she wishes . I can't think of anything bigger a situation than not telling a daughter her father is dying / dead . There's no going back or opportunity to mend bridges .

Dad should tell her he is ill especially if it is terminal. I honestly just can’t imagine, as a parent, not telling my child something that significant. It is as simple as writing a letter or asking a family member to pass on the information.

I think op should stay out of it, aside from supporting husband.