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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell Estranged stepdaughter about her sick father

71 replies

Notsurewhat2do · 22/06/2023 11:43

I'm not here to discuss why she stopped contact but my step daughter who is now in her 30s decided she didn't want a relationship with me (in particular), her Dad or her teenage siblings who adored her. We've not heard from her in about 5 years now. We only hear about her from other family members.

Her Dad has cancer and he hasn't told her.
I don't want her back in our lives from a selfish perspective but lately I've wondered if I should reach out and tell her about her Dad. Or has she made her decision and needs to stand by it?

Part of me thinks if she suddenly decides she wants to know because he is sick then that isn't great. She made her decision.

The other part thinks it would be nice for him to no longer be cast aside and for our children. I could manage to be civil....just.

Yabu - of course you must tell her even though her Dad doesn't intend to.

Yanbu - keep your nose out. Don't invite that drama back in. She made her decision and she should live with that.

OP posts:

Glastomustgo · 22/06/2023 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DisquietintheRanks · 22/06/2023 22:19

Twatalert · 22/06/2023 20:42

Oh and OP, people don't go NC for something minor.

Absolutely they do, if there's some other factors at play (personality disorder fi). My brother went nc with me the moment I stopped giving him money (he's had thousands over the years). No more cash and I was of no more use to him. He did the same with my parents, and most of his friends. That's because he's an alcoholic and poly drug user, not because we are all terrible people.

QueenofKattegat · 22/06/2023 22:33

This reply has been deleted

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Agreed. Shameful. Chasing the OP from her own thread.

uneffingbelievable · 22/06/2023 22:36

OP - I think you should.
My best friend and had v poor relationship with her Dad after he left her Mum re married etc. When we were at univeristy, I encouraged her to see him, get to know him and re estblish contact. They did - never a father daughter relationship but more an adult one - they talked more regularly and kept each other updated but not OTT friendship.
Roll on 30 yrs, her Dad died. Her brother and sister were distraught - they ahd never worked through things and had not spoken for 30 yrs. My friend said - she was glad she made her peace with him and knew when his new family started saying some v awful things at the wake - she had a relationship with her father and he knew she did not hate him.
She thanked me for pushing her all those years ago- even though we aregued alot about it.
Don't let her regret not getting the chance - she has the choice then

MCOut · 22/06/2023 22:41

BPD can be horrendous for everyone involved so no one should be quick to condemn OP or her SD.

It has to be your DH’s decision, but news like that can be destabilising. If you don’t know what’s going on in her life and it’s not terminal it might not be worth telling her.

mrssilky · 22/06/2023 22:46

I'd say leave her alone. She said NC and that's what it means. She knows he will get ill and die at some point and she's decided that's fine with her. You definitely don't know all the reasons why she made that decision. NC is the last resort for an adult child and it's never done on a whim or for something petty. All you need to do is nothing.

Twatalert · 22/06/2023 22:57

You @Glastomustgo and OP got some real dirt on me now.

Glastomustgo · 22/06/2023 23:10

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LuckyPeonies · 22/06/2023 23:12

OP, i would leave it. You would still be dealing with the same person who has the same issues. So a reconciliation may well be temporary, resulting in more heartache for your husband, and disappointment and additional stress for everyone else.

Twatalert · 22/06/2023 23:13

@Glastomustgo are you sure you aren't the OP?

Whoever you are, I'm not accepting pity from you.

2bazookas · 22/06/2023 23:16

I think Dad should decide that for himself.

CopperSeahorses · 22/06/2023 23:18

I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Quitelikeit · 22/06/2023 23:21

Sorry but I feel you are happy not to
do it out of spite?!

You said the reason was petty - she is still his daughter, he will always be her father and yes I think she has a right to know

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2023 23:24

She certainly doesn’t have a right to know. No idea what’s gone on with the deleted posts but OP is obviously going through an awful time with her husband’s illness and treating her like she’s to blame for his daughter’s actions seems unhelpful.

OP, it’s up to him but even if he wanted to contact her you’re under no obligation to renew a relationship with her.

Glastomustgo · 22/06/2023 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sandyhappypeople · 22/06/2023 23:28

I know you seemed to have left the thread OP, but I was NC with my dad and stepmum for a few years, I put up with a lot over the years and enough was finally enough at that point, so just had a final calm conversation with my dad then went NC.

He rang me out of the blue a few years later to tell me his was ill and asked if I'd go and see him, we had a good long chat and got a few things out in the open that we'd never really had the opportunity to discuss before, and we left it quite finalised knowing nothing would change.

A year or so after I had the phone call to say he was in hospital gravely ill, so I went and sat with him for a fews days until he died.

The point of my story is I felt like I'd done everything I wanted to and everything I could, and I'm glad we got to have the first open honest discussion we'd ever really had before we went our separate ways, and I'm glad I got to be there for him when he died.

I honestly think you should do everything you can not to have regrets in life, and I think you should encourage you DH to talk to your stepdaughter, or write to her. If he doesn't he's essentially taking away her right to choose, and could leave her saddled with guilt and regret if anything should happen and she didn't even know.

MisschiefMaker · 22/06/2023 23:39

This is so sad. I don't think you should tell her because if she doesn't get in contact with your DH that could be devastating for him. He is maybe not telling her to protect himself from that realisation. And truthfully if she's gone NC for 5 years I doubt a cancer diagnosis is going to make a difference.

Sorry to hear what you are going through anyway. It's disappointing to see other posters have attacked you when you're feeling down, but that's MN for you!

BadNomad · 23/06/2023 00:15

At the end of the day, this is not your news to share. This is your DP/DH's medical information. He should get the final say on it.

SunSurfSand · 23/06/2023 03:43

"I'm not here to discuss why she stopped contact"

I think why she stopped contact is very relevant.

As someone who has ceased contact with a relative, I'm telling you that it is very likely that she has already thought about a situation like this when she made her decision.

Cutting contact with a parent is usually an absolute last resort. One of the reasons we persisted with a harmful relationship for years, was the idea 'but what if they get sick one day or die and you'll feel guilty etc. you owe it to your parent to be there for them as they age etc'

Ultimately, if she's made the decision to walk away, it was done knowing this was a possibility, and she still felt it necessary to end the relationship. She made her choice.

Your DH has made his choice.

Stay out of it. Don't use this to be petty or score points back. Treat her fairly when it comes to the funeral, mementos and heirlooms.

You sound like you would relish the chance to make her feel badly.

WandaWonder · 23/06/2023 03:45

It is nothing to do with you, it is up to, you do not need to invest in something that is not your business it does feel controlling

Sandra1984 · 23/06/2023 09:10

My dad married another woman when I was a teen, said woman was pathologically jealous of us (children from his first marriage) so poisoned him against us, he then abandoned me and my brother. This caused me mental health issues (eating disorder and depression), I had to go NC with them for my own sanity. She still thinks I’m crazy and it’s all my fault. If my dad got sick I’d rather HE contact me to tell me, if he didn’t that’s his choice. I’d rather not have manipulative step mom contact me and act as middle man for anything.

I don’t know what’s your daughter story but this is mine.

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