To feel sick and tired of having no confidence/being invisible in my 50s?

[Maglin]

I need a shake up. I lost my job 18 months ago (not my fault, business closed). I used my small redundancy package to take some time out and signed up for counselling training. I enjoy the classes but the tutor couldn't be less interested in me - he's very keen on three or four other students and the rest of us don't get a look in. I've put on a stone. I've also broken my wrist and although it's healing well, it's still too painful to drive and I live rurally with no public transport. Dh drives me to the train once a week so I can get to college for the training.

I've applied for 9 jobs, all of which on paper I have good experience for. I always put my age (56) and have not had one interview.

I'm really struggling with feeling low. I am trying desperately to feel grateful for what I do have. I'm also really starting to hate my looks. I'm tallish at 5.7, but a good size 14 with a belly. I try and get my roots done whenever I can, I do my own eyebrows, always clean and presentable. I enjoy seeing friends and take interest in their lives plus the news and I love my teen/young adult dcs. Dh is stressed at work and although we are friendly, he never says anything positive about my appearance so I'm presuming he also thinks I'm unattractive. He's 4 years younger than me and looks it. I did ask him if he could be a bit more encouraging about how I looked and he just laughed and said I was fishing.

I've started avoiding social occasions. I've never done this in my life. It's my dds sports day - last ever one - she's sporty and 17 - on Saturday and I'm already dreading it as I don't have anything to wear. Which I understand is pathetic.

I really don't mean this to sound like a pity party but I wonder what to do to start to grow in confidence? I can't get to a gym or do much in the way of exercise due to wrist, although I do walk a lot every day.

The last straw was seeing my physio yesterday and her reviewing my notes at the beginning and saying 'Maglin. Fell and broke wrist. X rays show healing. Female. Old.'

Thanks if you've managed to read this far!

Hi @Maglin you sound very down. Not surprising given all the knocks you've had.
Have you had any counselling or meds for depression? Both have helped me at times, when life seems bleak. Also talking to friends and getting out into nature.
Getting old is harder work than I'd anticipated, we have to find ways of dealing with it that fit us. Which is hard

Jeez well the comment "old" is absolutely WRONG. You are in what I think will be, a great stage of life with 30+ years to live!

Remove your age from your CV for a start!!

Fake it til you make it.
For your daughter's sports day I'd just wear active wear leggings and a t shirt. Or shorts and a t shirt or linen trousers and a t shirt. No Biggie there.

If there's a celebrity that you like the style of, then have a look at a few outfits they wear and try and replicate them. I don't mean to buy super expensive clothes but just look at the cut of the material or the make and look around different shops to put an outfit together.

Id definitely prioritise hair. Its one of the first things people notice. (I think it's hair then shoes!).
Saying that I have inches of roots because I can't afford to get my hair done but it is annoying me now so I may resort to a box dye.

Do you compliment your husband? I'm just asking because you say he doesn't compliment you so it just mean he doesn't find you attractive but I'm not sure that is true.

Do you think the fact you have a broken wrist and as you live locally your life has been seriously impacted for now and maybe you're feeling a bit blue about that? When can you drive again?

In the short term my advice is Fake it til you make it. Smile. As soon as someone smiles their whole demeanor changes.

Oh and your partner isn't supportive, that can have a massive impact on one's confidence and happiness. Don't underestimate that

Live rurally* that should say!

Thank you.

I definitely try and fake it till you make it, but it's bloody exhausting!

I am actually having counselling. It finishes today and I can't afford any more. Tbh I don't think I need it but it's nice having someone to talk to.

I had to stand up and give a short talk as part of my course last week. My voice shook, I tailed off, it was crap. I was horrified with myself.

Tell me what's good about you OP?

Are you kind? Can you cook? Have you raised lovely children? Have a nice home? Well read? Travelled much? Dependable? Funny?

I bet you can answer yes to most of those.

What's the thing you enjoy the most?

Oh you have had a run of shite haven’t you? This too will pass. Your wrist will heal soon, and you can drop that stone by September.

can you do a gratitude diary for a while? I find just a few days of ending the day with three I’m grateful for really perks me up.

and I’m going to say it - how’s your menopause going? HRT pulled me out of my flat menopausal mood. I know it’s not for everyone but just a thought.

I'm on HRT! It isn't really helping.

Female. Old.

Ffs physio! 56 really is not old. But if they are 25, I guess they would think 50s was ancient.

Yes I am all those things I think. I'm curious about the world and I remember people's names and things about them which I ask about. I'm interested in art and films. I love reading.

I feel really tearful thinking about what I'm good at as it doesn't come naturally.

She's 66 😄😄

Probably because your feeling a bit blue @Maglin I think having a broken wrist, you're feeling sorry for yourself. You're keen to better yourself but the broken wrist is hindering you etc I think what you are feeling is totally normal considering the circumstances

Yeah tbh the wrist aches all.the. Time.

Living with that low level pain is just sapping. It's given me a new found appreciation of those who live with pain every day.

go swiming it does wonders and it aslo meditative

I think your physio calling you old says more about them than you. You’re not old at all.

You’ve had a bad run of luck and things may seem low at the moment but this is also a great opportunity to use your time to plan how to make things better.

Definitely take your age off your CV, have a few friends/family look over it to see how you can bring more personality into it.

Dont worry too much about your size and shape for now - it’s something that can be worked on but at the end of the day a body is a body, look at it as something that’s got you safely through life so far. Perhaps sign up to something like StitchFix for some ideas on how to dress to make yourself feel better.

Speak to your husband about how you feel at the moment. He may not see how him not complimenting you is affecting your self esteem and hopefully a chat will help him understand. It means so much when the people we love show their affection I think.

On the whole, please be kind to yourself. You’ve had a tough time but hopefully posting here is the start of some positivity in your life.

Are you me? I could have written this post!
im 55, i resigned from my job at the beginning of last year when i asked to change from a clinical role to a more admin based role, but they gave the job to someone else and i felt i couldnt stay. I trained hard for the career and feel very resentful. Ive applied for other jobs but no success
3 weeks ago i broke my knee and have a full leg cast ( i jumped out a window to save my cat from a fox!) i now cant do anything, even carrying a cup of tea or making a meal is impossible on crutches
ive put on weight due to hypothyroidism diagnosed last year, id just started a diet but now cant exercise for at least 6 weeks
i just feel a failure and pointless. Im not contributing anything.
i completely understand where youre coming from, i am grateful for my family and home but im also feeling sorry for myself.

I also emailed my tutor the day after I broke my wrist saying that I'd be getting a lift in but would have to leave on the dot to make the train. He didn't reply. Spoke to him on the day and said 'I'm sorry, I have to leave early today - broken wrist and cant drive!' He said, that's fine. I said 'I did email you but you didn't reply, just checking I have the correct email for you ' and he said, oh no, I got it, I just didn't reply.

Then another woman said to him ' thanks so much for the lovely email about our homework it was so helpful'. Made me feel a bit crap if I'm honest.

Some form of exercise that you can do with your wrist is a good place to start

Oh no! If it makes you feel any better I had a huge rush of emotion reading your post! We'll get through it. I hope your cat was OK.

As others have said take age off your CV. It's illegal to discriminate on age so they have no right to ask either. It's unnecessary and may be distracting some (stupid/shortsighted) people.

That said a savvy recruiter can tell a lot. On my CV I've grouped together my ancient work history and beefed up the more recent interesting stuff to focus on that. This helps disguise age a bit if you think that's working against you. But it may not be. It may be that your CV a needs livening up a bit. Get a younger person to take a look at it and make sure it's using current business style language, not overly formal old-style business speak. Get a professional friend to review your CV too.

I'm 58 and have recently started to embrace my age and wisdom professionally. Younger people need the advice and guidance of those of us who've been around a while. I now use this as a plus point and have added things like 'mentoring younger staff/grads' onto my profile. It shows that you have a good attitude and will use your age to their advantage. Oh, and it's the truth. The younger people where I work are always asking for help and guidance. It's amazing how much you know that you take for granted,

Practice your skills like presenting. Film yourself doing it (cringe but is helpful). Get a friend to to listen to your presentation and give constructive feedback.

Get your personal 'elevator pitch' honed and ready to use. For example ' I'm maglin and I've got xxx many years' experience in xx. I love doing xyz and have worked in xxxxx places in the past, delivering xxxx'. Fake it until you make it. That's what all the men do, trust me.

Practice good posture, walk tall. It makes you look and feel more confident, helps with breathing and makes you seem taller and more self assured.

We older, experienced women have so much to offer and wisdom to share. Use that wisdom, share it, help younger women along the way. You have power, grey hair and a lifetime of knowledge. Embrace it, use it!

Chin up, get out there and wow them all. 😎😁

I'm walking a lot. All I can do really.

We do tai chi as part of our morning routine at college but it's impossible really. I just stand there and do what I can. It would be nice if the tutor recognised the fact I have a broken limb but he doesn't seem to. I think I'll be quite glad to finish if I'm honest.

I broke my arm in two places when I was 21, so very young and fresh and I was surprised at how tired I was! So don’t underestimate the impact of your body healing on your energy levels

Great advice, thank you. I did think about taking my age off but couldn't bear the idea that they invited me for interview and then felt disappointed when they saw how old I was.

I do love your advice about being wiser. Thank you.

What!? How, how high was it! I know I shouldn’t laugh but 😬

@Maglin Im having a midlife crisis and currently applying for jobs for the first time in 14 years because Im desperately unhappy in my current career, I just want to shut my front door, hand the keys to the mortgage company and live in a hut in the woods eating chunky warm bread whilst drinking coffee, and I don’t include my age on any application.

Is there anything you can do self employed?