To feel sick and tired of having no confidence/being invisible in my 50s?

[Maglin]

I need a shake up. I lost my job 18 months ago (not my fault, business closed). I used my small redundancy package to take some time out and signed up for counselling training. I enjoy the classes but the tutor couldn't be less interested in me - he's very keen on three or four other students and the rest of us don't get a look in. I've put on a stone. I've also broken my wrist and although it's healing well, it's still too painful to drive and I live rurally with no public transport. Dh drives me to the train once a week so I can get to college for the training.

I've applied for 9 jobs, all of which on paper I have good experience for. I always put my age (56) and have not had one interview.

I'm really struggling with feeling low. I am trying desperately to feel grateful for what I do have. I'm also really starting to hate my looks. I'm tallish at 5.7, but a good size 14 with a belly. I try and get my roots done whenever I can, I do my own eyebrows, always clean and presentable. I enjoy seeing friends and take interest in their lives plus the news and I love my teen/young adult dcs. Dh is stressed at work and although we are friendly, he never says anything positive about my appearance so I'm presuming he also thinks I'm unattractive. He's 4 years younger than me and looks it. I did ask him if he could be a bit more encouraging about how I looked and he just laughed and said I was fishing.

I've started avoiding social occasions. I've never done this in my life. It's my dds sports day - last ever one - she's sporty and 17 - on Saturday and I'm already dreading it as I don't have anything to wear. Which I understand is pathetic.

I really don't mean this to sound like a pity party but I wonder what to do to start to grow in confidence? I can't get to a gym or do much in the way of exercise due to wrist, although I do walk a lot every day.

The last straw was seeing my physio yesterday and her reviewing my notes at the beginning and saying 'Maglin. Fell and broke wrist. X rays show healing. Female. Old.'

Thanks if you've managed to read this far!

The lack of confidence really resonates with me. Please don’t underestimate the impact of losing your job. Not in the more abstract sense, but just in the way that having that daily purpose, structure and something you’re good at. I left a job I loved a year ago and I’ve cycled into a huge depression. I hadn’t realised how much that job was supporting my well being.

I would also investigate the HRT. Either upping for changing type. Going on the right dose/type of HRT was so transformtive for my confidence. It was the most important impact of HRT. I just stopped giving a shit about the small stuff.

Living in the woods with chunky bread and coffee sounds absolutely amazing right now 😀

I agree with all of this. Good luck Op. Sounds like a really difficult time, I hope that this thread is helping.

I've changed types and now on oestrogel and utrogestan as prescribed privately. Dread to think what I'd be like without it!

Right I'm going to out ny headphones in and go for a walk. Can't even chill out at home as dd1s boyfriend is staying here while she's on placement somewhere else, and dd2 is home from uni and has taken over the sitting room with sewing projects and Netflix.

*put my

What's your relationship with your DD like?
Could you confide a little, tell her you wouldn't miss her sports day for the world but surprisingly stages and changes in life keep happening and ones emotional landscape never remains a fixed state (or words to that effect), that you find yourself in a low dip and could she help you feel comfortable braving the other mums etc.

Depending on her character etc, she might be a great source of solidarity. Maybe she's come through a rocky time in younger teen years and can recognise someone's circumstances need extra support?

You sound lovely, OP, just in a rut and underappreciated. If the hrt isn't working try a different one. Do you do any high intensity exercise at all?

She knows I feel a bit low. She's my biggest fan. Her friends mums are much younger than me and seem far more fun and energetic. I'll definitely go as she's in two races. Dh will.come but he's miserable as well 🤣 what a cheerful bunch. I will have to slap on the bright lipstick and grin like a fool for three hours.

I have a bit of a random suggestion to have your colours done to help with confidence and what to wear. There are loads of places but I got mine done online with Emily Innes at Style Me Happy. It was only £35. She tells you what season you are and what looks good on you. She can also do body analysis for your shape which tells you what styles look good on you. There’s a Facebook group with women of all ages and sizes where people ask for style advice and it’s really supportive.

It really boosts your confidence when you wear a colour that looks great on you. You feel like you’re glowing. And when you wear an outfit that emphasises your good bits. I never used to wear lipstick and now I do and I feel so confident in my dressing now even though I’m quite overweight and in my 40s. I just thought it might help to feel more seen and boost confidence for interviews.

I used to do weightlifting twice a week and loved it. Obviously can't now 😞

Thanks this sounds like a really great idea.

Oh and your counsellor tutor is a shit and should take a long hard look in the f*ing mirror if they think obvious favouritism is a desirable skill for a job teaching counselling (or anything for that matter)!

Don't put any store in his utterly crap attitude, hard to shake off I know when you're down, but seriously counselling is one of those professions that attracts the odd peculiar ego and I think you might have found one.

Does he enjoy being adored and looked up to by his acolytes?

Maybe you could consider him an interesting specimen case study and add him to your suite of 'interesting personalities experience' that you draw on to offer wisdom in your counselling practice. 🤔

I feel for you OP. I'm early 50s, although I didn't lose my job, I'm starting a new job in a similar area soon. I have a lot of experience but will have to do a lot of new learning so is a bit daunting but needed a change. My work area was so stressful and felt my confidence was low. The application for the new job, the hiring people apparently don't know the person's age, sex etc until later on (NHS) so are looking at the experience of the candidate, personal statement etc. There is lots of good advice on YouTube on job applications, interview advice etc, look up Richard McMunn.
Well done for starting something new, the tutor sounds like a bit of a d!ck to me! Can you change to another class?
Can you do casual work related to your job, are there any recruitment agencies that can help, to get a foot in the door?
Chronic pain can make someone depressed, don't know if you are taking painkillers but something like short term amytriptilline or similar might help.
Good luck, you have so much to offer, I need to remember this about myself as well! X

OP I just wanted to say “ I hear you sister,” and offer some warm understanding sympathy.

can I also just say, that this has been one of the warmest and worst thread I have seen for a while. Full of empathy and proper practical advice too. I will be rereading and revisiting.

Not worst! Wisest! 😱

I also emailed my tutor the day after I broke my wrist saying that I'd be getting a lift in but would have to leave on the dot to make the train. He didn't reply. Spoke to him on the day and said 'I'm sorry, I have to leave early today - broken wrist and cant drive!' He said, that's fine. I said 'I did email you but you didn't reply, just checking I have the correct email for you ' and he said, oh no, I got it, I just didn't reply.

What a cheek, and an inappropriate use of power on his part - which you could make good use of when looking at power dynamics in your course. I’d start making your presence felt in class - be involved in group discussions, address him directly and wait for a response. It’s too late now but when he said he just didn’t respond I’d have asked him why - and watched him squirm a bit.

If he’s really only attentive to 3/4 other students I expect it’s wholly his issue and nothing to do with you being an older student.

Ha! He's definitely enjoying showing off his skills - he's very good at it tbf - and plenty of people on the course think he's marvellous.

I like this about the power dynamic. Maybe I'll work it into my essay!

Isn't it. Hopefully we can all get some encouragement from it. I'm feeling better than I did a few hours ago so that's a start.

One way into work is to sign up with an agency that finds people for temporary work. It can give you a boost too trying out different workplaces. You also don't have to put up with the bad ones as you can quickly find an alternative.

Otherwise exercise especially outside and forcing yourself to be social can really help.

Remember you are just as brilliant as the rest of us in our 50s and you can do anything.

On a practical note re the exercise, after I had breast cancer surgery and couldn’t use my arms at all, I discovered wrist free yoga. Search James Rafael on YouTube (actually I think the channel is Yoga with James), he has loads of free wrist-free yoga and qui gong practices ranging from gentle to quite challenging.

Sympathies with the job search, but there's nothing wrong with being old. Also, being invisible over 50 is completely fantastic - nobody bothers about you so you don't have to bother about them! It is incredibly liberating, tbh. This is your time - stop worrying about how you look because it doesn't matter, and just enjoy yourself alongside the rest of us old bags 😂

Ha! He's definitely enjoying showing off his skills - he's very good at it tbf - and plenty of people on the course think he's marvellous.

Counselling training can attract a certain kind of man who’s basically there to have his ego stroked - I’ve seen a few in my time. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you’ve realised he’s an arse early on, saving yourself the bitter disappointment that will come when his acolytes realise their guru is indeed just another arsehole.

And I’ll bet my house he’s nowhere near as good as he’d have you believe. They never are.