I've never wanted to die more

[iamatoythatpeopleenjoy]

I've just woken up, drunk again. Messaged someone I shouldn't have messaged. Had a guy round last night and I can't fully remember what happened. I became aggressive via text, woke up this morning and he is no longer my friend on Facebook, unsure if my doing or his. Unsure it matters.

I'm so sick of this. This is my life. I do so well professionally but when it comes to the rest of my life I'm just a massive fuck up. Deleting my apps this morning out of sheer embarrassment and I thought if only I could disappear like my apps. I'm so fed up of this ride.

I know I need to quit and it's probably the closest I've been to it in years. I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. I hate myself

Don’t hate yourself, you’ve made a mistake- we all do it. Call Samaritans if you really feel like you want to hurt yourself or find yourself a local AA meeting. Call in sick today and get your head straight about your next steps. You’ll be ok

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings/Find-a-Meeting/

Make today the first day of the rest of your life. Please seek help with your drinking. You can turn your life around.

You made a mistake, your human OP and your obviously having a hard time,try and let this be the bottom for you,you obviously want better for yourself because you've reached out on here.

The pp has given you some really good links and keep reaching out on here as well there's alot of support on these pages and please believe me when I say your not alone in this.

One step at a time,Good Luck.

Read alcohol explained and this naked mind. Change how you talk to youself and give yourself kindness and understanding for why you have behaved like this, but use that as a tool to change your behaviours rather than an excuse to. continue them.

Everything the previous posters have said.
Help is out there (non judgemental and supportive) from people who've 'been there' and totally get it.
You CAN change things, and you owe it to yourself to find out just how much better life can be.
'Reach out' TODAY.
Good Luck my lovely.

You need non-judgmemtal help to stop drinking.

It definitely sounds like you need to stop drinking.

I’m sure you are aware of this but it sounds as if alcohol is not working for you. I don’t know if there is more going on in the background but as a starting point I would prioritise getting help for this.

Your GP surgery might be able to point you in the right direction for support

Please contact CGL who can help you get off the drink, the main thing is you recognise its a problem...

https://www.changegrowlive.org/advice-info/alcohol-drugs/alcohol-drinking-levels-quiz-self-assessment

Read this - lots of similarities with what you have said: High Sobriety: Confessions of a Drinker https://amzn.eu/d/iqq4XOD

you are at rock bottom and you know it - you are aware of what is going on which means you have the power to fix it, but not quickly and not on your own. Go to your GP today, and ask everywhere for help, quickly, whilst you still feel like this - AA - find your people.

I bet it took a lot of courage to post this - you can do anything now you have done this

AA

You know you need to quit social media so use this experience to draw a line in the sand with it. You've deleted your apps, when you feel more in control go on the websites and delete your accounts too, this will reduce the temptation to put the apps back on your device.

Social media is so dangerous in many ways. It's a huge waste of time for one thing, and it is a constant risk when you get drunk or high that you'll say something that offends. When socialising in real life there's always a risk you'll behave badly when under the influence, but usually to people who are also getting drunk or taking the same substances as you. There's more understanding and tolerance because people know that their reaction to your behaviour is at least partly influenced by the drink or drugs.

When you message people on social media, they can be stone cold sober and have no understanding of your present condition, therefore they make no allowance for it.

One day I woke up and realised that I could remove the majority of the utter crap from my life by quitting drinking. That was 21 years ago, and my life since has been so completely different. Even though it's been 21 years since I had one, I can still feel so amazed and grateful that I never have to have another hangover. AA is what worked for me (although obviously other options are available), but honestly, your life could be so different. I was a blackout drunk, and that fear when you can't remember what you did or what or said is like nothing else, but I haven't had to face it in over 21 years. I still find that staggering and overwhelming, because it was a such a huge part of my life for so long.

There’s usually a reason why people use alcohol the way you’re using it. It works at first. Then it doesn’t. It’s time to find something that works better - or a combination of things (eg therapy, exercise, meditation, etc).

Be kind to yourself, and also be honest with yourself. Ask for help. You deserve a better life.

Hi OP. I've been where you are many times. The anxiety is unbearable but it will fade and the compulsion to drink will overtake again. I would recommend AA as a starting point whilst you do some work on what's causing the issues. I am so vulnerable to alcohol that I have to abstain altogether. Some people just are.

I second this! They changed my life! ❤️

Please don’t feel afraid to go to AA. I remember the first time I went to a meeting there was people there that I assumed were there as helpers as there was no way they were what I thought someone who had a problem with alcohol would look like. I had a misconception that the meetings would be full of crazy looking people and I was so wrong.
The good news is, you don’t ever have to feel like this again. It’s not your life that you have to lead, there is incredible help and support if you take the steps.
Once you make the decision to not drink, and get help, you will never wake up one morning without a hangover and wish that you did.
Some of the biggest mistakes I made was due to the devils juice, and you’re not on your own.
Today, you need to get through the anxiety and depression feeling. Try find a meeting in your area and go. You may have ti sample a few before you find your tribe. There’s women’s only meetings and so many to choose from.
Everything is going to be ok, if you let it be.
Best if luck @iamatoythatpeopleenjoy

Hi OP,

I’ve been there. The fact that you’ve written this post is a really important first step to making a change.

You are not a fuck up. If you were, you wouldn’t care about the choices you are making. You also wouldn’t be successful professionally.

Have a look at the Sober School course. It’s a six week women only online course (anonymous if you want to be) that aims to help you stop drinking. It’s also a fantastic friendly, supportive safe space for talking about your experience. It’s nothing like AA, thank god.

I’m not into sobriety lit etc and I was really sceptical about it at first, but I needed to do something and for me this was a godsend.

I found there were a lot of successful, intelligent women on there in exactly the same boat.

I never thought I could stop drinking (wine mostly). I felt lonely and ashamed at how much I depended on it to deal with so many things. Plus I liked it. I was a good laugh when I was drunk. I was good at it.

But this course worked. I’m now completely alcohol free and it’s so bloody liberating not to feel trapped or guilty or ashamed or angry or full of self loathing.

I don’t feel like I’ve given up, but actually gained a new way of living and it’s brilliant.

It’s also much easier than I thought.

It’s never too late, but you need to do it when the time is right for you.

Please don’t hate yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just time to show yourself some love and self care. Giving up the booze, or at least moderating it, is one of the best ways you can do this.

Don’t be hard on yourself and take care Xx

It's the alcohol talking. If you can try to quit, it will honestly change your life for the better.

It sounds like you can function well in day to day life if you say you're doing well professionally. You CAN do this.

I've got nothing but respect for you OP, for waking up and deleting the apps - (keep them deleted, it'll be a huge help) - and knowing it's time to make a change. AA sounds like a great place, and if you need it, GP support as well.

I knew a couple of addicts who were close to me, but neither ever were honest with themselves like you've just been.

OP

You're not a fuck up or a mess. You're in a lot of emotional pain and you drink to try and blot it out.

It's understandable that you try to cope with it but as you know yourself, the way you are trying to cope with it is making things worse. It's not a good way of coping with it.

There are better ways and many many people with drinking issues have discovered them ahead of you, and you can too.

You need support to stop drinking and to be able to talk about and face the pain that is lying under it.

This is not something that anyone can handle on their own. You need to see the GP or an alcohol addiction charity for advice.

Deep down you need some really good psychodynamic psychotherapy to be able to access the painful feelings that cause you to drink like this so destructively- and talk about them instead of acting them out.

AA will be really helpful I’m sure - even that first meeting is the first step of a new life

Step by step, taking little action each day to feel better. Stop drinking. Avoid social media. Don't let your brain take you to dark corners and into guilt or what others thing. Meditate. Walk in nature. Cuddle a dog. Find peace with being on your own, go deep inside yourself, find things you do cherish about yourself - there are plenty!

Oh OP, most of us have had mortifying experiences when partaking in alcohol. Stay off social media for the time being, drink plenty of water and if you can get up and move around as exercise is good for the soul.

Try not to dwell on what happened which I know is easier said than done but distract yourself when dark/embarrassing thoughts enter your head.

If you want to quit drinking then there are so many resources out there now but if you need extra support then AA or your GP can help.

Hang in there, the feeling of shame will ease with time. Remember that.
Every day is a chance to draw a line and start afresh 💐