I've never wanted to die more

[iamatoythatpeopleenjoy]

I've just woken up, drunk again. Messaged someone I shouldn't have messaged. Had a guy round last night and I can't fully remember what happened. I became aggressive via text, woke up this morning and he is no longer my friend on Facebook, unsure if my doing or his. Unsure it matters.

I'm so sick of this. This is my life. I do so well professionally but when it comes to the rest of my life I'm just a massive fuck up. Deleting my apps this morning out of sheer embarrassment and I thought if only I could disappear like my apps. I'm so fed up of this ride.

I know I need to quit and it's probably the closest I've been to it in years. I feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. I hate myself

I know it doesn't feel it right now, but this is actually a really exciting moment. In future you could well look back on this and refer to it as "from that point on...". Change is yours for the making, choose the life you want. You'll find lots of support out there to help you if you ask for it

You need to tackle your drinking problem instead of deleting your apps. Like a PP quitting drinking lessened/solved the majority of my problems. I've done and said some absolutely hideous things when drunk over the years but it gets easier to live with as time goes on. Plus once the depressant alcohol is out of your system you will most likely improve mental health wise. I know getting sober isn't easy but it's better than the alternative. There is a lot of amazing quit lit out there, have a look.

True. I still remember mine. It's funny because as I mentioned I have done and said some truly terrible things over the years when drunk but my light bulb moment was a Sunday night in my kitchen drinking a miniature bottle of MD 20/20 just to try and lessen the hangxiety. Nothing bad had happened but I felt so utterly depressed and I told myself "you don't ever have to feel like this again if you don't want to".

Good luck OP.

One of my favourite phrases is "give sobriety as many chances as you gave alcohol" - alcohol has let you down so many times I'm sure, there is an alternative. Think of it as "stopping" doing something that's painful not "giving up" something that's amazing. Alcohol isn't amazing. Best of luck x

Thanks everyone, I did 6 months sober a few years back but then started drinking again in lockdown. However I did the 6 months without support. I have read all the quit lot mentioned and am in the middle of reading Drinking: A love story.

I just feel so shit. I can't even remember if I slept with the guy last night, messaged something inappropriate to a man I know through work (arghh, feel like I could literally die of the shame). I always become hyper sexual when I drink and make a fool of myself for men. Haven't ate in two days. It's just becoming out of control and unmanageable again. But whenever I feel like this, in a few days I feel better and convince myself I wasn't that bad etc. but it is bad and I know it.

Thanks for everyone's kind and helpful comments. I certainly will look into them.

Google your local alcohol service. You can self refer, though they will inform your GP

Agreed, but they might not hold the contract in the OP's area.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear how you are feeling.

Thank you to those who have shared resources here. We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us we usually also add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

💐

op you can definitely learn from this and keep hold of how shite you felt this morning. You've done 6 months, that's a brilliant achievement, you can do it again and keep going.
I'm over 2 and a half years sober and it's changed my life. Here are my recommendations:

the TryDry app to record progress
all the sober insta pages like Sober Girls Society, Sober Celebrities, Sober Motivation, Bee Sober UK etc

Catherine Gray books are brilliant, as is Clare Pooley, Briony Gordon, Annie Grace. Sober Dave podcasts have great relatable guests (didn't love his book but that's personal taste)

Your GP can point you in the direction of local services, doesn't have to be AA if that doesn't appeal, there are other ways.

Keep hold of how awful you felt this morning and remind yourself you deserve to wake up without this anxiety ever again. I know I sound evangelicalAF about it but that is because I am.

I've been there. Not perfect but happy to say alcohol is no longer a thing for me and I feel so so so so much better for it.

Reading the OP what resonates is that (for me at least) that kind of drinking signals that there is a lot of emotion / dreams/wishes/unprocessed trauma/hurt/frustration - call it what you will - which, when you are sober you have just stuffed down somewhere and when sober you are operating like it is not even there.
Inevitably when you drink it all comes out in a jumbled confused mess and people find themselves in the path of it.

Weirdly, one of the biggest things I came to feel about totally giving up drinking altogether is that after a while and once it was totally out of my body/system, it actually felt like I was being far far kinder and more gentle with myself. I felt like I was showing myself compassion. My body was no longer this dumping ground for the sake of the next celebration/commisseration/letting steam off/little treat for myself/ pretending that drinking myself silly was "me time" (nothing could be further from the truth.

Try to see giving up drinking as you giving yourself a massive gift/present. It really is. Once it is out of your system, you can process all that unprocessed stuff which comes out when you are under the influence.

Loads of good advice here OP just remember you're only human and you make mistakes 🥺 one thing that resonated with me is that alcohol is a form of self harm and like an anaesthetic but next day problems are still there but you've got a hangover to deal with 🥺 for you 💐

Agree with this post
You've made first step by recognising you need to change your life. Well done. Kerp going....

@iamatoythatpeopleenjoy well done for making this thread. You've taken the first step- you've recognised there are alcohol issues and that they negatively affect your life. Now to move forward you need some professional help; GP, AA, Samaritans etc. It looks like others have left some good links on here so have a look through those. You WILL be ok, you don't have to feel like this. Please, if you feel up to it, keep us updated, we are all here with virtual hand-holds and hugs. Good luck OP, you can do this x

Thank you all. I really feel like this is rock bottom, I really can't afford to go any lower without catastrophic consequences.

I just don't know how I will get through today, or ever get rid of the shame and embarrassment I feel for what I did last night. I'm honestly glad I can't remember a lot of it because what a state I must have been.

I have a lot of unprocessed trauma from childhood and that's exactly it. I feel like I can stuff it down and ignore it all when I'm sober. Like look at all I have achieved and overcame etc. Then as soon as I get drunk it all comes out and I self sabotage and take part in behaviours that are so risky and so harmful to myself because I think that's what I deserve, I think I'm a piece of shit so I deserve to feel so awful, I deserve to feel so embarrassed, I should give myself to men even though it makes me feel so awful, because that's all I'm good for and even at that I'm not sure I'm very good at that either.

That's exactly where it stems from, I just don't know how to even begin unraveling it all.

Also days where I'm not drinking, I'm just counting down the days until I can drink. I am irritable and never in the moment with my daughter. She is due back from school this afternoon and I just don't feel like I can even face her. It's like the shame is just pouring out of me.

I just want to crawl out of skin so badly.

I have a lot of unprocessed trauma from childhood

Alcohol is a good way to never process that trauma - to hide away and never have to think about it. It makes sense, at a very basic level.

The problem is that eventually the body and the mind work together to bring it up anyway, and your recklessness when drunk is when your guard is down, you can't actually contain it and it all starts to come up.

The moral of the story being that the trauma needs to be processed, it won't just go away - you can do it in a controlled sober way or in a chaotic way that makes you feel like you do today. Basically, right now, you have the option of pretend numbing of the trauma and reckless behaviour when the trauma comes out via alcohol, or, a true acknowledgement of the work you need to do to process that trauma and absolute clarity in how alcohol is blocking you doing that important work and commit to a new journey into therapy and self-discovery with a sober processing of that trauma. Sober trauma processing will not ever involve such awful feelings as you are having today - you are much more in control.

You will need help to do the second option, I hope you take some steps to find it.

the best part of sobriety is that the little voice telling you to drink eventually disappears. Not saying it's easy or quick but it does. So the counting down to your next drink stops being an issue because you've stopped that cycle.
I can honestly say I've not felt calmer in myself for years and I've genuinely had the most traumatic 2 years of my life (still ongoing and still no desire to drink)

I think you might enjoy ‘The unexpected joy of being sober’. It is very inspiring and the opposite of judgemental. If sitting down with a book feels like too much of a commitment, listen to it on audible while going for a walk or pottering around the house. And another recommendation for ‘This naked mind’. Good luck!

I've read both of those, but thank you for the suggestions

"I should give myself to men even though it makes me feel so awful, because that's all I'm good for and even at that I'm not sure I'm very good at that either."

So I have literally one ask of you today OP. Well two.
(1) Resolve only that you are going to be super gentle and kind to yourself today. And gentle and kind means imagine you are ill with the flu or the worst most debilitating bug you can imagine, and treat yourself like someone recovering from that, namely do not drink but stay in bed, take fluids if you can keep them down, do not contact anyone most especially not the man you were with last night; and

(2) Just for today, and bearing in mind the above quote from your own post. Just for today even if you feel you cannot hold onto this idea for very long. Believe this. The man you were with last night is not your friend and you deserve much much better. You do not need to feel embarrassed, you do not need to apologise to him, you do not need to contact him at all.

All you need to do today is look after yourself and when your daughter gets home look after your daughter.

When I have been in situations like this my mantra is "What is the next thing to do" and the answer to that is the next thing to do (which will be the next thing to do tomorrow btw) is do not drink alcohol, allow your body to recover by being kind to yourself and block the person you were with last night because they are not your friend and they do not have your best interests at heart (in any way).

Thinking of you xx

Thank you, this made me tear up x

Hey OP

I'm so sorry you're having a terrible time. Recovery from alcohol IS possible and your relationships will improve. My mum was at the very end of the road. 7 years ago she hit the bottom and she got sober and is a wonderful, loving grandmother and mum.

It is so tough. 12-step programmes can be really helpful, as can NHS advice. Alcohol dependency is an illness, don't forget that. There is no shame in seeking help.

You can do this.

I've been there and know how it feels. Be kind to yourself and maybe when your daughter comes home order a takeaway or a treat for both of you and watch a funny or uplifiting movie together and see if you can have a happy end to the day. Sending love and hugs x

hope you are feeling ok this morning OP. x