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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to be able to get past no wedding invitation

55 replies

PlinkPlonkFizz · 22/06/2023 01:14

A very good friend got married last year and kept the wedding small, mostly family. She didn't invite me (or another good friend of hers - and she was cross that friend was miffed not to be invited- WTF?) and I feel pretty let down by her. I thought I would get past it but it hurts.

We met at uni and spent years chatting, writing notes, letters, shopping and hanging around together. Through thick and thin we kept our friendship going even when I had DD and she was child free. She was my bridesmaid but she has two sisters so I didn't expect anything there. But no invitation at all seems cold. Husband is a bit snobbish and I feel he dislikes me I dropped them around a good bottle of champagne and card wishing them happiness etc, but we've had no contact since. Friendships wane of course but after 30 years' friendship I thought our friendship was more important. AIBU?

OP posts:
therescoffeeinthatnebula · 22/06/2023 01:22

Recently, I was invited to the wedding of
someone I’m not close to, and excluded from the wedding of a friend. I only
found about about the wedding in passing by someone else making conversation - I was a bit surprised not to have been told directly!

What I take from this is wedding guest lists are baffling and there’s no point trying to understand them. I don’t feel artificially closer to the person who invited me to their wedding, and I don’t feel
more distant from the person who didn’t.

I hope they both have lovely days and even lovelier marriages.

PS It’s worth remembering that friends can mean different things to each other at different times and that’s ok. For example, you might have one best friend, and that person might have five (of whom you’re not included). A wedding list is just a snapshot. It doesn’t reflect 30
years of relationships.

MrsMikeDrop · 22/06/2023 01:26

Sorry but you sound like a drama queen, you've said yourself it was small and mostly family. That probably means some of her actual family wasn't invited. Find something worthwhile to be upset about

ZiriForEver · 22/06/2023 01:29

Wedding invitations are generally a bit random and there is no benefit in ruminating over it. Especially in this case, you know it was a small wedding, so not getting an invitation as a friend might speak more about "family focused" than "evaluation of friendship"

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/06/2023 01:31

I assume you have tried to get in contact and the friend hasn’t responded? That’s awful. It’s ok to be upset. But unfortunately it’s something you have to accept. It could be due to the partner, or maybe you have grown apart. Focus on the other friends in your life. Not worth worrying about someone who isn’t interested in a friendship.

sausage767 · 22/06/2023 01:34

Maybe you are right and her husband does dislike you for some reason. And the couple decided only to invite people they both wanted there, which is totally understandable. This says nothing about her friendship or feelings towards you.

However, it's poor that she didn't contact you to thank you for the champagne, and if the wedding was last year it seems you haven't heard from her for 6 months at least. Is this unusual? If so, your friendship may not be as strong as you thought.

HeddaGarbled · 22/06/2023 01:35

It’s not the lack of wedding invitation that’s most offensive; it’s the lack of contact since.

inomniaparatis · 22/06/2023 01:38

Did they invite any friends or only family? If the latter, then it's just one of those things, the former and I understand why you'd be upset. The lack of contact or thanks for your gift is worse though than the lack of invite

MrsMikeDrop · 22/06/2023 01:40

HeddaGarbled · 22/06/2023 01:35

It’s not the lack of wedding invitation that’s most offensive; it’s the lack of contact since.

But no invitation at all seems cold literally OPs words

autieawesome · 22/06/2023 01:45

I wouldn't be offended by not going to the wedding as it's personal choice. But the lack of contact suggests there's more to it. Maybe you have been phased out due to her partners dislike of you.

sjpkgp1 · 22/06/2023 01:53

Last year, as in 2022? Small, family wedding with other friends not invited also?.
I love nothing more than harbouring a grudge. But, truly, are you really hurt about this NOW? and STILL? I ever so slightly get the quid pro quo thing "she was my bridesmaid, and I therefore deserve an invite" but that isn't always the way it works. There may many reasons why, so I would not necessarily bin off a friendship that lasted years, but I'd be chalking this one up to experience, moving on, and not worrying about the friendship too much longer. I'm sorry also that this has hurt you, although I've been truthful in my opinions, I can understand why you feel bad xx

Helloits2023 · 22/06/2023 01:54

That sounds very hurtful, I feel for you. I’ve noticed that when it comes to evaluating friendships and how important they are, people have different frames of reference. In particular, some people really value long-standing friendships, even if not in regular contact, while others might feel it’s the people who you enjoy spending time with right now who are the most important.

For me it’s the current relationship that matters. I have an old school friend (my best friend from age around 10-15) who very kindly (and surprisingly) invited me to her wedding a few years ago. We only meet up every couple of years, get along very well but don’t text and are both a bit crap at staying in touch even though we live in the same city. She’s not invited to my wedding because I haven’t seen her in nearly two years, and don’t view her as a regular part of my life.

My fiancé has a uni friend who was one of his closest friends for a couple of years, they barely stay in touch anymore, don’t text, also see each other every couple of years. But for my fiancé this is still a significant and important friendship, because of their history of friendship, and because he was asked to be a groomsman at his wedding a few years ago. So he’s invited to our wedding even though I don’t understand it, to me the friendship is historic not current.

It sounds like you’re more like my fiancé, but perhaps your friend is more like me, and sees you as an old friend but not necessarily a current one.

electriclight · 22/06/2023 02:01

She had a small wedding that was mostly family. Maybe choice or maybe financial. Either way, it wasn't personal and you know that other close friends weren't invited either. So I think harbouring a grudge is quite petty really. Why haven't you been in touch with each other since though? If it's because you've made it clear you're upset about this, or have avoided contact, then YABU. If you've tried to contact her and been ignored then I think you're right to be upset and suspect that her new dh doesn't like you. Unless she has isolated herself from all of her friends, in which case I'd be worried.

WandaWonder · 22/06/2023 02:12

Of course you are entitled to feel however you want but is this really how you want to feel?, I do not expect to get invited to everything that is life and some people change as the grow there does not have a to be a specific reason for it

Mariposa26 · 22/06/2023 05:14

I can understand why you’d be disappointed but if she chose to have a small family wedding, that’s up to her. My best friend chose to get married abroad with no guests, and I was disappointed but it was her choice. I think the more hurtful thing is the lack of contact since - have you tried to contact her and been ignored?

Lacucuracha · 22/06/2023 06:12

You shouldn’t have given a present.

No thank you text from them?

I would make zero effort.

ISeeMisledPeople · 22/06/2023 06:23

I wasn't invited to the wedding of my closest friend. I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed at the time, especially since a friend that I know she isn't as close to was invited. But she had her reasons. I never told her how I felt, but she did explain, and it did make sense. She is still, quite a few years on, my closest friend, and I hers.

I would be more hurt that the friendship seems to be over, than about the lack of a wedding invitation, though. Why haven't you been in touch with her?

Pusillanimouswitch · 22/06/2023 06:35

ISeeMisledPeople · 22/06/2023 06:23

I wasn't invited to the wedding of my closest friend. I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed at the time, especially since a friend that I know she isn't as close to was invited. But she had her reasons. I never told her how I felt, but she did explain, and it did make sense. She is still, quite a few years on, my closest friend, and I hers.

I would be more hurt that the friendship seems to be over, than about the lack of a wedding invitation, though. Why haven't you been in touch with her?

I’m curious as to her reason! I was invited to the wedding of one of my closest friends and I’d slept with her husband (years earlier, I knew him before I knew her 🤣)

SchoolShenanigans · 22/06/2023 06:48

I don't think the wedding is the issue here.

This is a friend you considered yourself very close to and she hasn't been in touch in over 6 months? It definitely sounds like she's trying to end the relationship. Could her husband be controlling?

I would reach out one last time to see if she wants to meet up. If she ignores you, sadly that's a reflection on her (and her husband maybe), not you.

Emptycrackedcup · 22/06/2023 06:52

Pusillanimouswitch · 22/06/2023 06:35

I’m curious as to her reason! I was invited to the wedding of one of my closest friends and I’d slept with her husband (years earlier, I knew him before I knew her 🤣)

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Me too! Can you tell us? Would love to hear from some reasonable people on here for once. Also @Pusillanimouswitch your friend equally sounds very open minded, I also can't imagine her on MN.

IamnotSethRogan · 22/06/2023 06:57

Did she invite any friends at all? My sister had a very small wedding and only invited close family. She has a couple of very old friends that she's close to but didn't invite them because didn't want to open the Pandoras box of who made the cut, so only family was the most simple for her.

ISeeMisledPeople · 22/06/2023 07:05

Pusillanimouswitch · 22/06/2023 06:35

I’m curious as to her reason! I was invited to the wedding of one of my closest friends and I’d slept with her husband (years earlier, I knew him before I knew her 🤣)

Show quote history

Haha, it was nothing like that!

It was because we were living in very different places at the time, and they were very aware that I would only know one other person there. I would have loved to be there for the wedding, but the social bit afterwards might not have been great for me. (Autistic introvert...)

PinkPlantCase · 22/06/2023 07:10

I think this is all a bit petty, if you want to keep in touch with your friend make an effort. If you don’t then don’t. I don’t think it’s unusual for newly married couples to go quiet for a bit.

She had a small wedding with mostly family, people do weddings differently and that’s okay.

PinkPlantCase · 22/06/2023 07:10

It wasn’t like she invited all
her other friends and not you!

SoccerStars · 22/06/2023 07:16

autieawesome · 22/06/2023 01:45

I wouldn't be offended by not going to the wedding as it's personal choice. But the lack of contact suggests there's more to it. Maybe you have been phased out due to her partners dislike of you.

Yes this is what I feel. My closest male friend got married and didn’t invite me or most of his friends actually but we are still as close as ever. One of the few men in my life I actually love 😂 (platonically of course!) if he started ignoring me and being weird and I got bad vibes from his wife it would be another story.

OTOH I was invited to the wedding of a couple I knew from uni. I was mainly friends with the guy but was friendly with his partner too. I went to the wedding it was lovely, and they sent me a thank you card afterwards. But never saw them again and that was a decade ago😂

Phoebo · 22/06/2023 07:25

ISeeMisledPeople · 22/06/2023 07:05

Haha, it was nothing like that!

It was because we were living in very different places at the time, and they were very aware that I would only know one other person there. I would have loved to be there for the wedding, but the social bit afterwards might not have been great for me. (Autistic introvert...)

Show quote history

That's nice that you accepted that graciously 🙂

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