Not to be able to get past no wedding invitation

[PlinkPlonkFizz]

A very good friend got married last year and kept the wedding small, mostly family. She didn't invite me (or another good friend of hers - and she was cross that friend was miffed not to be invited- WTF?) and I feel pretty let down by her. I thought I would get past it but it hurts.

We met at uni and spent years chatting, writing notes, letters, shopping and hanging around together. Through thick and thin we kept our friendship going even when I had DD and she was child free. She was my bridesmaid but she has two sisters so I didn't expect anything there. But no invitation at all seems cold. Husband is a bit snobbish and I feel he dislikes me I dropped them around a good bottle of champagne and card wishing them happiness etc, but we've had no contact since. Friendships wane of course but after 30 years' friendship I thought our friendship was more important. AIBU?

You haven’t heard from her since the wedding last year, but what’s upsetting you is that she didn’t invite you to the wedding?

Given it was a small wedding I think yabu to be upset about that. But you wouldn’t be unreasonable to be upset she has cut you off for no reason.

It was a small wedding with family, you're not family. YABU.

Thank you. Your reply rung true with me out of all the others. This is her moving into a new phase in her life now, and I'm just not part of it. I know the husband doesn't approve of Sophie either as we're not part of his set. My DF's Mother dislikes her husband to the point of having an outburst after she married so I am not alone in finding him very difficult and condescending. My DF has chosen his set and that's her life now. 🥹

To clarify, she sent a short "TY so much for the champagne" text afterwards but neither of us have been in touch since.

So she did thank you for the champagne.
...And then you never replied?

I am getting married this year, and we are only having friends that we are both close too. Weddings are expensive and a celebration of our relationship together, so there are a few friends that are just mine who aren't invited. But tbh, my closest friends have become our friends during the course of the relationship.

I also wonder whether you aren't that close if not being invited to a single day nullifies 30yrs of friendship? That seems bonkers!

Its a difficult one really, I can understand feeling a bit sad about it but if they had a family only small wedding then it’s nothing personal. I wasn’t invited to one of my best friends weddings because it was a small family affair. I was a little sad as we’ve been best friends since we were 11 but it is what it is.
The lack of contact since sounds far more hurtful. Is she just not responding to your messages?

If she did text to say thanks for the champagne, and you haven't been in touch after, the current situation is on you. Can't blame the husband for that.

I think weddings can redefine relationships.

when we were 18 one of our friendship group got married. We were friends since we were 4! She told us she wasn’t allowed friends, but also wouldn’t tell us when it was so we could stand outside the church. She then invited us round to see the photos and there was a dozen of the grooms friends. Her dad paid as well, not his. We never said anything but relationship went cold.

I was in a close friendship group in my 30s. Literally lived in each others pockets for years. Messages daily, saw each other weekly, went on holiday. She got married and only invited us to the evening do, and tried to avoid us. She had invited some school friends I’d never even heard her mention to the full day. Groom had plenty of friends there. It soured the relationship. The hen do was awful as she only invited us and one other person and then seemed pissed we didn’t want to do something extravagant. People are strange.

Oh my. Reflecting back on your friend who married at 18, do you see it differently now? Because it looks to me like someone that was already starting to lose any sense of control over her own life. I really hope she's ok. I don't think I could have stood by and said nothing tbh.

I’m glad that way of thinking about it helped clarify things for you, though I can’t imagine it makes it any less hurtful if you feel you’ve lost a friend.

If it helps, I still regard my old school friend as a formative person in my life, and think of her with great fondness, just not closeness anymore. I would absolutely get together with her for dinner if she suggested it, but I think it’s her who owes me a text, and life is busy enough without trying to chase and pin down another also very busy person.

I don't think real life is like this. On mumsnet we are expected to believe that everyone should have no feelings whatsoever or they are unreasonable, act like robots with no emotion, and be ambivalent that long standing friendships shun us. Sorry I just don't buy it.

I think people are absolutely entitled to feel upset or disappointed by something like this. I have already said that I was in a kinda similar situation.

But there comes a point where you can choose to let go of that hurt, put it behind you and realise that the years-long friendship is more important than not being there for one day, or you can hold on to it and stop communicating with your (probably now ex-) friend, and a year later still hold a grudge. I made my choice, and I would make the same one again. Op's has chosen a different route, and I'm not sure that I'll ever be persuaded that it's a better choice.

Really??? To me, on MN it's the opposite, total overreaction, assume the worst and cut the person off forever. This is one of the most rational wedding/friend threads I have ever read

Depends what you mean by small. My DH and I basically eloped and only had parents and siblings for registry office then meal. Basically very immediate family, and I'd have been happier with no one but would have really upset parents so it was the compromise. If my friends had told me they were unable to get over the hurt of not being invited I'd have been a bit perplexed!

You've put a name in one of your posts, OP, in case you didn't realise.

It's completely understandable that you're hurt. But you need to let it go. Maybe look back with sadness but not everyone stays in your life throughout (although you may want them to). Maybe she will come back to you in 5 years, 10 years, who knows? Of course you may not be interested then. You just have to accept what feels like a rejection / loss right now and move on.

I have a very close friend that I met at university on my year abroad. He was actually the then boyfriend of a female friend I made at the same time (I met her one evening and she introduced me to her boyfriend and his friends later that same night). Over the years, he and I became very close (platonically!) spending lots of time together and arranging holidays together for the rest of our group, staying at each other's houses, and parents' houses and just doing stuff that good friends do. When my mother died, he was the friend I turned to and I stayed at his house for the first few days after her death.

For 5 years, I was in a relationship with a good friend of my friend (a friend he made through work and who became part of our wider friendship group). That relationship ended. Not on bad terms as far as I'm aware. Let's call my ex Tom. Tom and I were still together when my friend met his now wife - in fact I remember us laughing when it was obvious that this woman - now the wife - clearly had the hots for our friend and was very blatantly chasing him (friend was like a scared rabbit in the headlights lol). I was incredibly hurt when my friend announced that he was getting married and it would be a very small wedding and he was sorry but he couldn't invite me as Tom would be there as his best man and he thought it wouldn't be fair on Tom if I was also there. I was seriously WTF?! I was so hurt. I smiled and nodded and said I understood. (I don't fucking understand!!) I helped his wife choose her wedding dress but I didn't get to see one of my closest friends get married. It still hurts. It sucks. One of the biggest days of his life and I wasn't there but bloody Tom was. I have learnt just to let it go. People make choices we don't like or don't understand but they have their reasons (even if we think they're bullshit reasons).

Maybe her husband is controlling?

@ISeeMisledPeople oh she’s fine. They stayed together about 10 years before splitting. They’re great friends still and he gave her away at her second wedding (which I also didn’t go to).
we’re not close, no idea why she invited us. I don’t know if she was embarrassed, but then she wanted us to all obsess over her wedding photos. So probably not.

I think it depends on what is meant by ‘small’ - that could be anything from 5 people to 50 people depending on your definition.

OP, YANBU to feel hurt if you do.

However, it is clear she is one of those women whose husbands opinion of people is what counts and she will ditch friends as a result, and his circle will be all that matters.

I hope it stays fine for her.

I know of several people that have had similar done to them by friends over the years, usually around weddings and getting married.

It was hurtful.

In each case after several years an approach was made to reconnect but my friends, while polite had absolutely zero interest.

Apparently the husbands friends were fine but they regretted dumping their own friends so abruptly in the early heady days of the engagement.🙄

One woman moved quite near my good friend and thought she could just suddenly pick up where they left off, and she could join her lovely group of friends having very brutally ghosted her 6 years earlier, when she was newly engaged.

My friend was single when she was dropped, and very hury, but within months met a really lovely man through work and married very well.

She now lives a very lovely life and has a great set of genuine friends where she lives.

She ran into her ex friend at the beginning of the school year and she very presumptuously said oh it's so great we can hang out again.

Didn't happen. She had zero interest in reconnecting and simply repeated no thanks to a couple of requests for a coffee.

She had been really hurt at the time so had no interest in facilitating her.

Try not to take it personally.
Some people are like this and discard people easily.

You say it was mainly family...so how many non-family members were actually invited?
If it was only a handful of friends who are close to both bride and groom, then I can see why you weren't.
It doesn't mean he is controlling. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you. It doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship.
It just means she had to draw a line somewhere and that's that.

So she had a very small wedding, which was mostly family. She didn't invite other close friends.

And you sent her a bottle of champagne (which I'd argue could look very passive aggressive depending on how you worded your message eg "sorry I couldn't be at the wedding" could come out badly. And she didn't reply (perhaps because she took you passive aggressively).

And over a year later, you are STILL stewing over this and complaining. Even though she's made no contact.

Which makes me refer to my previous point about whether you came across badly.

Some friends are happy to drop you when they get a better offer. In this case it’s her husband.

The friend did message OP after the Champaign. It's OP who never replied

So you live nearish, have regular contact but she's got married and hasn't replied to any of your contact since baring opening the door to take her gift? I'd worry he was trying to isolate her