Should my partner pay for the holiday?

[Drummend01]

Been together a 1.5 years, don’t live together, both own our own houses, no kids.

We are going away for a week soon for my grandparents 70th birthday who lives abroad, we only have to pay for flights (£330 each), my parents are paying for accommodation and most of the food. It’s been booked since Christmas.

We also want to go away together in September somewhere long haul. I suggested 10 days because I don’t have a huge budget but DP only wants to fly Saturday to Saturday (specifically morning flight, no overnight flight) because he wants Sunday to get ready for work the following week. This means we would have to go for 2 weeks which will stretch my budget and mean we choose the most popular and therefore most expensive flights.

DP earns about 40% more than I do annually, is 8 years older than me so has quite a lot of savings but does have higher outgoings. I just bought my own house last April so he knows I’m trying to cut back for a while.

I’m upset that he is absolutely not compromising and forcing me to pay more when I earn significantly less. But I also feel bad telling him I can’t afford it when he’s spending money to come away with my family. Although he has family in Italy that we will visit soon so I hope that evens it out.

I was going to ask that he pay the difference between the 10 day holiday with reasonable flights and the 2 week holiday with the most expensive flights, but AIBU to expect that?

Why don't you just go away for one week? From Saturday to Saturday? It's good of him to splash out going to see your grandparents.

Why don’t you go for 10 days and he can stay for the extra 4 himself. You pay your flights and your share of the 10 days. He can pay his flights and his share of the 10 days plus the extra 4.

(If he is refusing to compromise on the 14 days then you can also refuse to compromise on the 10 days)

👆

I would just do the holiday with your parents. Surely you will need some spends to offer to pay for a meal at least.

A September long haul holiday with be super expensive even for 10 days. I wouldn't bother just say you can't afford it and save!

Is your partner normally generous OP?

Why is he set on only flying Saturday mornings?

Because we want to go somewhere long haul and only going for one week when you’ve got a 2 whole days travelling means only 5 days to properly relax so doesn’t seem worth it. I did suggest doing a short haul but he hasn’t been on a long haul since before Covid so he was really keen (I am too of course), I didn’t want to say no when he’s coming away with my family too, I want him to have a holiday he will really enjoy this year as well

Saturday to Saturday makes sense but why does it need to be for two weeks?

Just go for a week and spend another week at home if you can't afford to go away for two.

@wutheringkites because we would be doing a 9/10 hour flight and he doesn’t want to arrive late to the destination or for the return flight home

You can't expect him to pay for you. Your relationship isn't at the pooled finances stage.

X-post with you.

I still don't think he should pay for your share - especially as he's already paying £330 to fly abroad for your grandparents' birthday - but equally that means he may have to compromise on location or duration.

Or, you stay for ten days and he does the two weeks.

I would just say that you can only afford 7-10 days and see what he says from there; if he’s that keen then you’d expect he’d decide to pay extra and if not then compromise.
Unkess I’m being stupid here I don’t understand why you can’t go for 10 days and he takes an extra day off work or the full 2 weeks to then feel prepared for when he goes back in. There’s nothing that says just because you get home on a week day that he has to go to work the next day

@Butterwouldmelt yes that’s why I said most of the food, they are renting a big villa, siblings are bringing the partners too and we agreed to all cook together to save money. I already told DP I would pay for food, alcohol etc while we are there, he just paid for his own flights

He is generous but we split things pretty evenly overall. One person pays for a meal one time and the next time the other person would, we always set a budget for Christmas and birthdays so we spend similar amounts

By 1.5 years together you should be able to talk about this stuff properly.

The fact you don’t feel able to say ‘I really can’t afford a two week holiday to Cuba - I can only spend £2000. I can do 2 weeks in Greece or 19 days in Cuba. What do you think we should do?’

Also, imagine this being reversed: he couldn’t afford the BIG TRIP. Would you just shut him down and insist on what you want.

If you don’t assert yourself now you’ll start being a passenger.

DH and I met when he had significantly more money than me as he lived at home. I just used to say ‘can’t afford that’ and he’d always be happy to go somewhere I could afford or pay if it was something he was super keen on.

@Pkhsvd I have said this to him but he doesn’t want to waste days off work. So he doesn’t want to take days off just to sit at home, he wants to be on holiday.

I am leaning towards just saying I can do 10 days and if he wants 2 weeks then he can do the last few days alone.

We don’t normally disagree about things like this, we both usually compromise and make things work so I guess I’m a bit worried about rocking the boat when things have been going so well. But it’s part of growing in a relationship, we can’t agree forever

Why don’t you just tell him - this is my budget for the holiday.

If 2 weeks will cost more, ask him what he suggests money-wise? If he knows your budget, perhaps he’ll see that 10 days is a good compromise for you both.

But why does it have to be a Saturday? What's the issue with flying on a Wednesday morning for 10 nights?

I guess I’m a bit worried about rocking the boat when things have been going so well

He’s not worried though, is he? Why are his desires more important than yours?

That’s a good idea, I’ve only said ‘that’s quite expensive” or “I don’t know if that’s worth the money to me”. Perhaps I need to actually decide a budget and just tell him straight this is what I can afford.

They’re not and I do see that but I felt like he was giving me something by coming away with my family which is important to me, so on this occasion I should be more flexible to meet his needs a bit more than my own since it’s important to him

Good point, I don’t know. He was set Saturday - Saturday because he didn’t want to arrive home and go straight to work the next day but we could do Wednesday - Saturday, we haven’t discussed that option so I’ll mention it to him

What’s he giving you? A holiday that he is paying only £330 for whilst you and your family cover the rest?

My PIL have done similar for me. I’m grateful TO THEM for giving me the opportunity for a nice holiday.

You need to have a reassessment of your self worth PDQ.

Just tell him you can't afford it! Though the option above has potential!

I don’t understand his logic why you can’t go for 10 days? You could just relax at home for the rest of that working week - you don’t have to go to work the next day if you have the leave available to take.

What a strange relationship.

Why cant you just tell him you cant afford 2 weeks??