Should my partner pay for the holiday?

[Drummend01]

Been together a 1.5 years, don’t live together, both own our own houses, no kids.

We are going away for a week soon for my grandparents 70th birthday who lives abroad, we only have to pay for flights (£330 each), my parents are paying for accommodation and most of the food. It’s been booked since Christmas.

We also want to go away together in September somewhere long haul. I suggested 10 days because I don’t have a huge budget but DP only wants to fly Saturday to Saturday (specifically morning flight, no overnight flight) because he wants Sunday to get ready for work the following week. This means we would have to go for 2 weeks which will stretch my budget and mean we choose the most popular and therefore most expensive flights.

DP earns about 40% more than I do annually, is 8 years older than me so has quite a lot of savings but does have higher outgoings. I just bought my own house last April so he knows I’m trying to cut back for a while.

I’m upset that he is absolutely not compromising and forcing me to pay more when I earn significantly less. But I also feel bad telling him I can’t afford it when he’s spending money to come away with my family. Although he has family in Italy that we will visit soon so I hope that evens it out.

I was going to ask that he pay the difference between the 10 day holiday with reasonable flights and the 2 week holiday with the most expensive flights, but AIBU to expect that?

Do this. You can't afford it. Tbh I'm not sure you should be going away long haul any way if money is that tight the way the economy is its only going to get worse.

And no he shouldn't be paying for you. It's a discussion that needs to be had. You're only 1.5 years in, not living together etc.

Also, I may he reading too much into this but I note you've called him "partner" does he call you this too or are you still "girlfriend" in his mind.

After 1.5 years and not living together, I would think girlfriend is more appropriate. They’re not partners yet.

I agree about not wanting to do 7 days long-haul. I’ve been long-haul and honestly- it’s mainly people who have never done it that suggest doing a week because they don’t realise that two days out of seven are going to be spent on a plane. Its a ridiculous suggestion.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect him to cover some of the additional costs if he is the one dictating how the holiday will be. If he’s making the trip more expensive and is insistent on it and won’t compromise- then he pays the difference between what you can afford and what he wants.

However you need to be very clear about what you can afford- set out a clear budget and make him aware. Can you maybe look at a cheaper hotel?

I do wonder how much of this is you capitulating because you see him as doing you a favour and you owing him somewhat. In that case, you’re already sorting his expenses when he comes in the family holiday. “Debt” paid.

I’ve decided recently to go on a family holiday with my boyfriend and his family to Florida. I made it clear that I would only be able to go if he was willing to go to a slightly cheaper hotel than the one he had planned on. He agreed and compromised on it. His family are going to the more expensive hotel but are just happy I’m going so everyone’s happy. Now they’re thinking of switching to our hotel as they can save money and it still looks nice 😂 and is still Disney property.

That’s the way arrangements like this work. You say what you can do and go from there. If he’s unwilling to compromise at all on any part of the holiday- location, hotel, duration, flight days and he’s unwilling to subsidise you, I’d be a little cautious of this relationship as a whole. It doesn’t bode well for the future.

I was just wondering if there was any disparity on this point between them. As if OP thinks they are more established and serious then it makes sense she's considering sharing finances like this. He might be more protective and moving slower - especially if he is a much higher earner.

I guess I’m a bit worried about rocking the boat

You shouldn't feel like this as it isn't a healthy foundation. It isn't rocking the boat to state what works for you financially. Now is the time for you to work out if he has empathy and can compromise. It takes around 2 years to know someone but you should still comfortable to say what affordable. He can work on compromises too...it's not all down to you.

He shouldn't pay for you and you shouldn't feel obligated because he is going away for a family weekend. Is that your thinking or is he making you feel grateful?

You’re reading a lot more into this than is necessary, we live separately because we both own our own homes and both of them would sell at a loss at the moment. Also we live an hour apart, and if he moved into my house or I to his then we’d be far from our work. We call each other girlfriend/boyfriend/partner interchangeably, that really doesn’t matter to either of us.

As I’ve said in my other replies, I can see he is being a bit unreasonable but I do need to just tell him how it is and go from there. We’ve worked things out great in the past and I’m sure this will be no exception, I going to chat to him tomorrow and sort it out

Sorry but you are being ridiculous, you’ve clearly not read my comments properly. The only free part of the holiday with my family is the accommodation, I’ve paid for my flights and will contribute to food/alcohol etc. I appreciate I am lucky in this instance, but my parents offered and want us to all go away together to celebrate.

I don’t want him to fund the second, I want to find a compromise. But if he is unwilling to meet in the middle my question was do I then ask him to pay the difference. I’d still be paying for 10 days of the holiday (over 1k!). And he could say no and then we’d find an alternative compromise. I’m not some gold digger looking for a cheap 2 week holiday.

We usually figure things out very well, he’s always considerate of my feelings and finances. I think it’s me feeling like he’s already compromised by coming away with my family that makes me feel bad asking him to compromise again on this holiday. He hasn’t said anything to make me feel like this, he doesn’t think that I owe him. Like commenters have said, I need to tell him straight and we can figure it out from there.

Why can’t he put annual leave in on the Monday so he isn’t tired?

Also please just outright tell him you can’t afford two weeks?!

I don’t understand how this is a comfortable relationship when you can’t communicate basic facts!

Do you even fart in front of this guy?

But if he is unwilling to meet in the middle my question was do I then ask him to pay the difference.

Op, if you tell him that you can only afford 10 days but he insists you go away for 14 and doesn't offer to pay the difference himself then he's a twat and you should look for someone better.

I didn’t mean to give the impression I was calling you a gold digger, so I’m sorry if that’s what you thought, I’m far more concerned at your seeming inability to say no to him, and that you’re worried that would be rocking the boat.

My point is you were wanting him to cover part of your trip, rather than just speaking up for yourself and saying it doesn’t work for you, which is bloody ridiculous! You’ve been with this man for 1.5 years and you’re this nervous about telling him something doesn’t work for you, plus you see him being treated to a holiday as doing you a favour. That’s passive to an unhealthy degree.

You tell him what you can afford, but you don't ask him to pay the difference. What he does with the information is up to him.
Good luck OP.

Why not do, say, Wednesday to Wednesday, get a cheaper flight, then he can take the Thursday off to sort himself for work and go back to work on the Friday?

@Chowtime "It's good of him to splash out going to see your grandparents."

No it isn't. It's 300 quid and what people in a relationship do. Normal, not good.

Are you overstretching yourself on the first holiday just to please this inflexible and wealthy man, thus leaving yourself short for the one you want to take with him?

Becaise that suggests you’re a little afraid of upsetting him and that suggests a horrible and unhealthy power imbalance in the relationship.