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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my partner pay for the holiday?

67 replies

Drummend01 · 21/06/2023 21:38

Been together a 1.5 years, don’t live together, both own our own houses, no kids.

We are going away for a week soon for my grandparents 70th birthday who lives abroad, we only have to pay for flights (£330 each), my parents are paying for accommodation and most of the food. It’s been booked since Christmas.

We also want to go away together in September somewhere long haul. I suggested 10 days because I don’t have a huge budget but DP only wants to fly Saturday to Saturday (specifically morning flight, no overnight flight) because he wants Sunday to get ready for work the following week. This means we would have to go for 2 weeks which will stretch my budget and mean we choose the most popular and therefore most expensive flights.

DP earns about 40% more than I do annually, is 8 years older than me so has quite a lot of savings but does have higher outgoings. I just bought my own house last April so he knows I’m trying to cut back for a while.

I’m upset that he is absolutely not compromising and forcing me to pay more when I earn significantly less. But I also feel bad telling him I can’t afford it when he’s spending money to come away with my family. Although he has family in Italy that we will visit soon so I hope that evens it out.

I was going to ask that he pay the difference between the 10 day holiday with reasonable flights and the 2 week holiday with the most expensive flights, but AIBU to expect that?

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 21/06/2023 22:46

I’m upset that he is absolutely not compromising and forcing me to pay more when I earn significantly less. But I also feel bad telling him I can’t afford it

both these statements can’t be true.

TimesRwo · 21/06/2023 22:55

I was in the exact same situation with DH before we married - 8 years older and he earned more than double what I did. He also flew business class everywhere whereas I was happy with economy.

Either I would tell him I can’t afford what he wanted or I paid my way. But I never once expected him to pay for me. It’s a really odd attitude to expect him to pay for you rather than find a compromise.

NBLarsen · 21/06/2023 23:16

Your relationship sounds difficult to me, and I would worry what tone it sets for the future.

You are worried about disrupting things when it's going well. That must feel stressful.

You think he's doing you a big favour by coming on holiday with you for your family celebration, so much so that you've offered to pay for his food costs. When actually, he was presumably invited on the holiday, and chose to accept the invitation, and could afford to pay his own costs.

You can't afford the holiday he is proposing you go on next, but instead of setting your boundary and saying what you can manage you are seeking ways to work around what he wants.

If he earns a lot more than you he shouldn't mind making up the extra cost, surely. But if this is going to be a long term relationship, wouldn't it make sense to pool money and share?

caringcarer · 21/06/2023 23:30

Just tell him you've looked at your finances and can't afford it. See what he says. Don't overstretch yourself as you're already going on one holiday.

Original poster
Drummend01 · 21/06/2023 23:32

TimesRwo · 21/06/2023 22:55

I was in the exact same situation with DH before we married - 8 years older and he earned more than double what I did. He also flew business class everywhere whereas I was happy with economy.

Either I would tell him I can’t afford what he wanted or I paid my way. But I never once expected him to pay for me. It’s a really odd attitude to expect him to pay for you rather than find a compromise.

I don’t expect him to pay! I would rather we go on a holiday we both can afford so I can pay for myself. As I explained, I have tried to suggest compromises but he is not willing too meet me in the middle. There have been good suggestions on here which I will discuss with him and hopefully we can find something to suit both of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drummend01 · 21/06/2023 23:40

NBLarsen · 21/06/2023 23:16

Your relationship sounds difficult to me, and I would worry what tone it sets for the future.

You are worried about disrupting things when it's going well. That must feel stressful.

You think he's doing you a big favour by coming on holiday with you for your family celebration, so much so that you've offered to pay for his food costs. When actually, he was presumably invited on the holiday, and chose to accept the invitation, and could afford to pay his own costs.

You can't afford the holiday he is proposing you go on next, but instead of setting your boundary and saying what you can manage you are seeking ways to work around what he wants.

If he earns a lot more than you he shouldn't mind making up the extra cost, surely. But if this is going to be a long term relationship, wouldn't it make sense to pool money and share?

It really hasn’t been difficult so far and we’ve had quite a few challenges this last year which we’ve dealt with great.

I don’t think it’s a big favour but I do appreciate it and the food really won’t be that expensive. There’s 10 of us sharing a villa so we will be doing everything in bulk. And although I’ve offered to pay for him, when we get there he’ll buy drinks, snacks etc. He won’t just wait for me to hand him my purse, he’s not like that

But yes I do think I need to be more straight with him and just say no I can’t afford it. Although he’s not been that willing to compromise on this so far, I haven’t been direct with my budget constraints so I’ve not given him a fair chance to understand from my POV.

We both agreed that we would pool finances when we live together, which is probably another year or two away. Both of us are quite happy how things are for a while

Thanks every one for your suggestions 😊

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/06/2023 01:16

Drummend01 · 21/06/2023 21:55

@Butterwouldmelt yes that’s why I said most of the food, they are renting a big villa, siblings are bringing the partners too and we agreed to all cook together to save money. I already told DP I would pay for food, alcohol etc while we are there, he just paid for his own flights

He is generous but we split things pretty evenly overall. One person pays for a meal one time and the next time the other person would, we always set a budget for Christmas and birthdays so we spend similar amounts

In my view if you can’t be open and tell your partner what you can and can’t afford and you end up being forced to spend more than you can afford to maintain the relationship then you’re just friends with benefits.

Tell him you can only afford 10 days because you’re recovering from buying a house etc and if he wants to go for 14 days he needs to cover the difference or agree to go for 10 days, simple. If not scrap the trip.

DPotter · 22/06/2023 02:47

Sadly I think you may have found the un-doing of this relationship Drummend01.

Anyone who you are going on holiday with (long term partner, parent, old school friend) has to accept some degree of compromise - on the destination, budget, time away, airline, holiday company, whatever. But according to your op - he is absolutely not compromising. That is not a good sign, whether or not you have the budget to cover a long haul 2week break or not.

I don't know whether his non-compromising approach is the cause, but you seem to view the relationship as very transactional - he agreed to holiday with your family, so you pay for his food, you anticipate he'll pay for your costs when you visit his family in Italy. That's not really compromise

HoppingPavlova · 22/06/2023 04:30

Tell him you can only afford 10 days because you’re recovering from buying a house etc and if he wants to go for 14 days he needs to cover the difference or agree to go for 10 days, simple. If not scrap the trip

This seems overly dramatic. Why can’t OP just go for 10 days and come home on a flight that suits her, and her partner stay on for the extra days and hang out with his family or whatnot? It’s not unusual that partners have to come back at different times due to work commitments and so forth. Surely OP can navigate an airport and sit on a plane by herself, no problems?

godhowridiculous · 22/06/2023 04:45

Merryoldgoat · 21/06/2023 22:08

What’s he giving you? A holiday that he is paying only £330 for whilst you and your family cover the rest?

My PIL have done similar for me. I’m grateful TO THEM for giving me the opportunity for a nice holiday.

You need to have a reassessment of your self worth PDQ.

Yes. He's getting a subsidised holiday. He's not doing you a favour.

bluejelly · 22/06/2023 04:58

Just don't go long haul. Lots of other options!

OzziePopPop · 22/06/2023 04:58

He seems very inflexible.. an awful lot of ‘he wants’ in this!

BadNomad · 22/06/2023 05:21

If he insists on Saturday to Saturday then so be it. You can just come home yourself after 10 days at a time that suits you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2023 05:31

godhowridiculous · 22/06/2023 04:45

Yes. He's getting a subsidised holiday. He's not doing you a favour.

Show quote history

I agree with these comments. I went on holiday with dh shortly after we got together. It was a travelling round thing for a few weeks so picking up hotels as we went along. He had more money. We pooled resources because he wanted to spend time with me.

Thoughtful2355 · 22/06/2023 06:09

sorry but you need to learn to be abit more forward and honest with your partner, Many people cant just say how they feel or what they want when it comes to men and i dont know why. WHY cant you just be honest with him instead of sliding around the issues with little lies.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 22/06/2023 06:14

Yes. He's getting a subsidised holiday. He's not doing you a favour.

I wouldn't see going abroad with DH's family for a relatives 70th birthday as a proper holiday. It's not like you can do whatever you want for a week - you're restricted by other people and they're not even your relatives so you're constantly a bit on edge when it comes to behaviour.

I have family abroad and while going to see them is lovely for me, I wouldn't expect DH to particularly want to come along and use his annual leave to hang out with my elderly relatives for a week!

rookiemere · 22/06/2023 07:36

Most people want to go Saturday to Saturday to maximise time away, but then look at costs and do something different.

I'd research how much it costs to fly on other days and simply say you can't afford the £1000 difference between 10 and 14 days, or whatever it is.

Don't put yourself in debt for a holiday.

rookiemere · 22/06/2023 07:39

Or come back with some good short haul options. September is usually a great month for traveling to Europe .
Also depending on what type of trip it is- if it's mainly a beach one for example- then why go so far ? Greek Islands for example would be lovely then

Naunet · 22/06/2023 08:27

Sorry OP, but this is ridiculous. You already are having one holiday paid for you this year and now you want him to fund a second because you can’t find the balls to say to your partner of 1.5 years, no, that doesn’t work for me? Why are you being so insanely passive?

Naunet · 22/06/2023 08:40

Do you ever say no to him?

Sissynova · 22/06/2023 08:44

So you don't feel comfortable enough telling him you only want to go for 10 days or that your budget is X but you feel comfortable enough for him to pay for a long haul holiday for you??

Sissynova · 22/06/2023 08:45

godhowridiculous · 22/06/2023 04:45

Yes. He's getting a subsidised holiday. He's not doing you a favour.

Show quote history

For most people visiting your partner's family where you have no say over the location, the people, the activities, where you are staying etc is very much a favour and not a holiday.

TimesRwo · 22/06/2023 08:51

Drummend01 · 21/06/2023 23:32

I don’t expect him to pay! I would rather we go on a holiday we both can afford so I can pay for myself. As I explained, I have tried to suggest compromises but he is not willing too meet me in the middle. There have been good suggestions on here which I will discuss with him and hopefully we can find something to suit both of us.

Show quote history

But you also say you’ve not raised it because you don’t want to rock the boat. So how is he refusing to compromise?

TimesRwo · 22/06/2023 08:51

Sissynova · 22/06/2023 08:44

So you don't feel comfortable enough telling him you only want to go for 10 days or that your budget is X but you feel comfortable enough for him to pay for a long haul holiday for you??

This. It really makes no sense.

WhatADrabCarpet · 22/06/2023 08:53

I'm a bit concerned that you can't have an open and honest conversation with him after a year and a half.

It sounds to me that this long haul trip is stretching you financially as you can't afford four extra days. It would be a bit miserable, watching the pennies, on an exotic trip.

I'd book somewhere more affordable and have a decent long haul next year.

BUT... you really need to talk together.