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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talking to the school tomorrow...

82 replies

sparklins · 21/06/2023 19:54

Hi, I'm hoping for an outside opinion as I have never dealt with a situation like this before and don't want to be ''that parent''.

All the kids involved are primary age.

My DS (7) got into an altercation today after school at the community playground. He was playing football with a mixed year group and at one point a couple of older boys from his school started tripping him up and pushing him over. He said he tried to stand up for himself and one of the boys strangled him/put his hands around his throat and the other hit him in the face hard enough to make him fall over and apparently he got up and hit one of them back at which point they got broken up by another boy and then dispersed to go home.

DS is fine, he did have a red mark on his face but it is now faded. He was at the park with a DGP who at the time was supervising a younger sibling at the playpark so had his back to DS and did not see the altercation take place.
As far as I am aware the other parents did not see anything as the football pitch is a little off to the side and parents are generally supervising the little ones on the playground.

I do not know the parents of the other boys although I do know who the boys are. DS seems to think this happened because he tackled them a couple of times whilst playing football.

I feel like this is something I should bring to the attention of the school since they all attend there and I do not want anything further to happen between DS and them. I feel no matter what happened it is unacceptable for older boys to hit someone younger than them and I would like to get to the bottom of what exactly happened however I do not know how to approach this in the best way.

I definitely do not want to approach the parents directly but I also don't want to go in and cause drama with the headteacher.

I feel rather out of my depth and don't know how to word what I am trying to get across.
Would anyone be kind enough to give me a bit of advice on the best course of action?

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklins · 21/06/2023 21:00

hopeful bump as I sit here and try to formulate a plan...

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 21:03

He's 7 and saying he was strangled and punched? Of course you need to report this to the school.

How old are the children who assaulted him? I'd be thinking about reporting to the police too.

Bloody hell. A kick would be one thing, but strangling?! Hell no. It's also concerning why a child would strangle another, it can be a sign of things wrong at home or elsewhere. Big safeguarding flags.

RequiresUpdating · 21/06/2023 21:04

I'd call or go in and speak to the class teacher. Say there was an incident in the park yesterday between DS and X, Y and Z. If you want to say what DS said happened, or say you can give more details if Teacher wants. Ask if Teacher can keep an eye on DS for a couple of days to make sure there aren't any issues.

RubyJack · 21/06/2023 21:05

I am a Headteacher.A significant amount of my time is taken up with parents complaining about incidents out of school.
I can mention general things in Assembly but it is not our job to tell off children for what they did when they were out of school supervised(or not) by other adults.
Online stuff is even worse than the park /football scenarios.

cansu · 21/06/2023 21:06

I think you can let the svhool know so as to avoid any issue in school. You could contact the police. The school cannot however discipline the children when they are outside school in their free time nor can they investigate. Your child at 7 should be supervised. The grandparent is responsible for your ds not the school.

RubyJack · 21/06/2023 21:07

I always tell parents that they should have a discussion with parents/carers of the children they have an issue with.
We obviously take note that some children are maybe not getting on with each other and will keep an eye out in the playground.

cansu · 21/06/2023 21:09

If the OP thinks her child was strangled she must report this attempt on his life to the police. If she thinks it was a scuffle over football then she might decide otherwise. The OP child is 7. A 7 year old should not be in the park playing football and tackling older kids. It is a recipe for disaster.

Milcar · 21/06/2023 21:09

I would let the teacher know so the school staff can keep an eyeon interactions within school.

There isn't anything they can do about incidents outside of school

PinkPlanter · 21/06/2023 21:09

RubyJack · 21/06/2023 21:05

I am a Headteacher.A significant amount of my time is taken up with parents complaining about incidents out of school.
I can mention general things in Assembly but it is not our job to tell off children for what they did when they were out of school supervised(or not) by other adults.
Online stuff is even worse than the park /football scenarios.

👏👏👏 It’s absolutely ridiculous the things parents expect schools to deal with when incidents have happened outwith the school day.

Weal · 21/06/2023 21:09

I would make the school aware and ask them to keep an eye out today to ensure there are no issues while at school. I’m not sure what else they can do other than talk to the children generally about not hurting others etc.

personally I’d try to find out who the parents are and maybe speak to them in an open “let help the kids resolve the issue” kind of way.

Sounds horrible though and quite extreme for primary school type age. How is your son feeling now? Is he worried about seeing them at school…is it people he has had issues with before. Fingers crossed it was a one off and there won’t be more bother for your boy.

Hercisback · 21/06/2023 21:10

The incident was outside of school. What do you expect from the school?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/06/2023 21:11

You can mention it to the teacher so they can keep an eye out in case it spills over at school as these things often do. However, they can't give consequences for the behaviour or fully investigate.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/06/2023 21:11

If the situation was as you describe it sounds like a police matter.

Readyplayerthr33 · 21/06/2023 21:11

Why are you going to the school? This isn’t their problem to sort.

Alittlesummeroasis · 21/06/2023 21:13

I’d just mention it to the teacher so that they are aware and keep an eye out for any possible conflict in school. I wouldn’t expect school to do anything though.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/06/2023 21:15

You can tell the school, but it’s not for them to sort out this incident. The parent, or in this case, grandparent, is responsible for them.

My uncle was a head teacher and used to get angry phone calls from members of the public about teenagers (possibly) from his secondary school who were smoking in the park at the weekends!

Soapboxqueen · 21/06/2023 21:16

I think it's good to let the class teacher know. Your ds may be upset in school around these boys and tbh it sounds like an extreme reaction on their part.

It would be unreasonable for the school to take steps about the behaviour of the other boys and it would be unreasonable for you to expect them to.

MargaretThursday · 21/06/2023 21:16

That's not a brief argument, and fairly obvious from a distance that something was happening. Surely if there were children as young as 7yo joining in there must have been some parents watching that saw something?

Original poster
sparklins · 21/06/2023 21:20

Thank you for the replies. DS is fine and quite alright about it although he has said he wouldn't go to play football again if they are playing. He doesn't have any marks on his neck and can't really recall how hard they grabbed it.

I would like to talk to the school since they all attend there and would like to make the teachers aware in case anything else happens. It's a small school and they are quite big on the community side of things so I think it should be brought to their attention.

I do not think it's a police matter? They are all primary aged children.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 21/06/2023 21:20

I would tell school so that they can be aware and keep an eye out in school. I would not expect them to spend their time doing anything about the specific incident.
This happened outside of school, it is not their responsibility to fix this. Or get to the bottom of it. Or punish the child involved.
Outside of school it is the parents responsibility to supervise and deal with these issues.

Original poster
sparklins · 21/06/2023 21:23

That's what I can't quite work out @MargaretThursday - DS said this happened as the rest of the boys were still playing football and I was trying to work out if an adult saw this at all but he said he does not think so...

I thought same as PPs that surely there would be more eyes on the kids playing, although I do know most of the attention tends to be on the playpark where the smaller kids tend to play on the climbing frames and such.

OP posts:
wetpebbles · 21/06/2023 21:31

I would definitely mention it in the morning, just so school are aware

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 21/06/2023 21:36

sparklins · 21/06/2023 21:20

Thank you for the replies. DS is fine and quite alright about it although he has said he wouldn't go to play football again if they are playing. He doesn't have any marks on his neck and can't really recall how hard they grabbed it.

I would like to talk to the school since they all attend there and would like to make the teachers aware in case anything else happens. It's a small school and they are quite big on the community side of things so I think it should be brought to their attention.

I do not think it's a police matter? They are all primary aged children.

How is your child being violently attacked not a police matter?
The HT on the thread has already told you it's not a school matter. I'm a DSL and can tell you I'd sympathise with you and tell you to report the incident to the police. We wouldn't take any further action within the school as nothing happened at school and unfortunately, it would be simply your word against other children.

Plasticplantpot · 21/06/2023 21:49

The strangling is a worry - that’s learned behaviour.

cunningartificer · 21/06/2023 21:59

Certainly tell the school as the DSL should know so as to be aware in case there are any other similar interactions from this child.... all part of the jigsaw. Also I'm surprised to hear schools suggesting you sort it out with other parents, as often this causes more conflicts. It is actually schools' concern how children behave even out of school and most decent DSLs will want to know about an incident like this. Of course they can't sanction on your son's word alone, but they will be concerned about the incident and keep an eye on him. Probably not relevant for primary children so much, but schools are actually responsible for children's behaviour (and able to sanction them) out of school until they get home So incidents on the way home come very much in their remit. Worth knowing.