to be utterly fed up with school refusal (DD7)

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

Posting here for traffic because I need advice please! DD7 has never been one of those kids who jump out of bed and merrily make their way to school; we’ve always had stages where she doesn’t want to go, but only a handful of days here and there. We’ve currently had weeks on end of crying, screaming, refusing to get ready for school and standing her ground when it’s time to actually walk in.

I’ve tried being nice about it, talking to her about what she’s finding difficult about school; she says she has no friends and finds the work hard, but when I talk to school they say she’s very popular and is achieving higher than average in most of her subjects. I’ve tried saying “no, it’s time for school now. Put your uniform on now.” and being strict about it, but neither the nice or authoritative way works.

the kicker is is that I split contact with her Dad 50/50, and she only does this at home with me. At her dads she gets up no problem, occasionally tells him she doesn’t feel well but doesn’t make a fuss going in. I work from home so I’m wondering if that’s the issue, when she is actually ill she’s always here at home, so maybe she thinks she’ll get more luck here? Or am I being too soft with her?

looking for advice because I’m honestly at a loss for what to do. I hate the idea of sending her into school upset, this week school have told me to leave whilst she’s stood at the door shouting for me and I’m trying to make it to the car before bursting into tears. I regularly keep in contact with school and for the most part they tell me she settles in quickly, has a good day and doesn’t mention going home. It’s just the morning routine and getting her in that’s the issue. Any advice is really appreciated!

Look up "not fine in school" on FB. She is struggling. She feels safer expressing this to you than your ex. She is telling you every way she knows how that she can't cope with school, and unless school gets an ed psych in to look at what aspects of school she finds so intolerable and puts things in place to address them, she'll likely end up with chronic mental health issues.

Pretend you're going out to work?

I'd let her stay off, but then I was a non-attender, and my DC is too. They call it EBSNA now (emotionally based school non attendance).
Look at 'Not Fine in School'

"she says she has no friends and finds the work hard, but when I talk to school they say she’s very popular and is achieving higher than average in most of her subjects"

It doesn't matter what the actuality is. What matters is her perception. If she perceives that she has no friends and that the work is hard, she will experience the stress of it. If I perceive that a spider is scary I will feel scared even if the actuality is that the spider is harmless.

Btw I would be keen to explore whether she might be neurodivergent. School avoidance is common in autistic girls, in particular.

You need to break the habit she's got into of thinking you're at home. Given she doesn't (yet) do this with your partner it does sound as though there's not a problem with school itself so much as separation anxiety. It could help to tell her that you have to work not at home for a while, and make that real even if you go to the local library to catch up with emails for an hour after drop off. Also listen to school if they're happy to take her crying, though it's hard, you know she's safe there. Once you're crying too you're reinforcing the anxiety for her. Perhaps focus on something lovely at end of the day--can't wait to see you again darling, I've got to go to work while you're at school but when I pick you up we'll go straight to the park (or whatever). And then go without protracted goodbyes. Also don't let her think you've been at home all day without her! At seven she will probably have a totally unrealistic idea of what you working at home means...

I actually think the fact that she only does this with you and not with her father means it is more to do with your dynamic than her having issues that lead to school refusal.

Oh OP I feel for you and I have been in your situation twice. Both made me utterly miserable and tore my heart out. Talk to the school about pastoral care and ask them to access local therapy and support for your child. A PP was correct, your child is upset and letting you know it because they feel safest with you.
My kids' school put lots of things in place for each of my children, tried different approaches, sympathised with them and me and gave us leeway. One of my children now goes in early through a side door, helps set up the classroom and is with a TA before all the other children come in. School have arranged art therapy with the local education department. We've been late, been early, been unorganised and chaotic - school have helped. Be honest with the school, tell them how bad it is in the morning before as well. Good luck and push for sorry. It will pass.

"I actually think the fact that she only does this with you and not with her father means it is more to do with your dynamic than her having issues that lead to school refusal."

Not necessarily. It tends to depend on who is the safe anchor; they are the safest to let all that anxiety out with, because the child knows they are unconditionally loved in that relationship.

I was too, although only in sixth form so I had no real obligation to be in anyway. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety but the school still tried to kick me out, it affected my a-level results and I ended up dropping out of uni within a couple of months.

with your DC, is it a regular thing them having time off - the odd day or more permanent? I’m worried about her mental health and also worried that the more she’s off the harder it’ll be to get her back in.

I’ve joined the group on FB, thank you for the recommendation.

I wonder if she knows Dad won't be at home so she's OK going then but knows you're at home and that makes a difference. As a pp said I'd say you won't be home and see if that changes things. Not all child issues are about ND, she may miss seeing you now it's 50/50 custody. Is there therapy that might help

I think the PP is right in that she feels safest with you so is able to express her feelings openly. I do think though that school refusal is often about something other than school. It's not that there is something about attending school that's bothering her, it's just a big part of her life that she can focus energy on to express how she is feeling and it's a big transition point in the day. Does school have a play therapist she could access? I know our school has a play therapist who comes in every week to see certain children, and that might be an initial route in to getting her to open up (or if you have the means, you could see it out privately).

As for school refusal, I would not let her stay home. Yes, it removes the tension point and you don't have that battle, but it doesn't address the underlying issues. I was a school refuser. I just wouldn't get out of bed. I was probably a bit older than her (9/10/11). Eventually my mum just stopped taking me as she couldn't be asked to deal with the stress of getting me up. I don't doubt it was stressful, but not taking me was more about her issues and not wanting to address the fact I was struggling than it was about me. I really could have used some support and someone to talk to. Not to be left home alone every day and to miss the best part of a school year, which caused all sorts of issues in years to come (which did actually cause me quite a bit of stress related to school).

You have my fullest sympathy. My dd now 14, started this 2 years ago. Mornings were dreadful. After covid , school strikes children really do think school is an option. I have no advice because there are a million reasons for this, but your best option is to talk parents who have this problem. No-one else will understand. My dd is now going,at her worse her attendance was 33%. She's going now, it does get easier. I live opposite the school, one morning I told them just to come and get her. They spoke to her on the phone, she went in. After that each morning I said they would call her, it didn't take long before she was just going in. This is after counselling, taking away phones ( definitely not recommended) the lot. Be strong and talk to others with the same problem. Your going to find a solution. Be strong xxx

My DD (Y1) was reluctant to go to school too. It was really grinding us both down because we had to go through the same rigmarole every morning.

Her teachers said she was fine and happy and doing well. However, over time I just realised that DD was becoming less and less happy over all and it was filtering into other things. She would rarely talk enthusiastically about school and was often a bit of a grump after school.

After Reception being mostly like this (although it did improve in the Spring/Summer term with the help of a particularly good teacher) and then Y1 Autumn term getting worse with the school refusal starting to have things in common with anxiety, I moved her at Christmas to a new school. The turnaround in her happiness and her approach to school is incredible. We've done 1.5 terms with no reluctance to go to school (even wanting to go in when too unwell to) and she comes running out of school eager to tell me the things that have gone on. I'd go as far as to say I think this might have been a life-changing move because at the old school DD was becoming more unhappy, more anxious, less interest in learning to the extent that it felt like her naturally sunny personality was changing, and now it's like a bright spark has been lit and she's energetic, happy, completely engaged in the learning, feels motivated and her efforts acknowledged at school and isn't worried about what might happen at school any more.

Another girl at the same school who was also very unhappy at the old school has had a similar turnaround in moving schools (not to the same one as my DD).

From the teaching side of things, I would

1. talk to her dad about how he approaches school mornings. Are they more laid back, quieter or more organised than yours?
2. take the pressure off of mornings. Send her to breakfast club if they have one. Send her in PE kit or comfortable clothes with her uniform in her bag if she feels up to wearing it.
3. Ask school to refer her for ed psych and talk to them about possible neurodivergence or how she can make friends.
4. Get her into some non school groups that will help her understand that school isn't the only place to make friends. (Brownies, sports, dance etc).

You need to nip it in the bud quickly & keep encouraging her attendance. If you don’t, you’ll end up with a child & then teenager who never sets foot through the school door & is stuck at home every day. It’s a nightmare & spoken from bitter experience.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Her current teacher is head of SEN in her school and hasn’t suggested to me any ND issues she might have. I’ve also never noticed any myself other than a bit of sensory issues with clothes! I will continue to speak with school though and see if they have any other suggestions, they are always on hand to come outside to help her in when the doors open and usually try to give her tasks to help them with.

Ive been speaking to her Dad a lot about it and I do think her mornings there are a bit more relaxed; I’m very much a morning person, despise being late and just get up and go, so I could have been unconsciously putting a bit too much on DD first thing, as she definitely isn’t a morning person regardless of school!

I didn't nip it in the bud. I have no idea how you can simply fix such refusal.

I also have a teenager not in school but they are mentally well and thriving so I'm good with that.

After many years of them being increasingly unable to attend school, it's now a permanent thing, but the option of engaging in structured education is always on the table, and they are thinking of giving it another try in September (year 13).
Our school system is torture for many children and we're brainwashed to think that our child's future will be a disaster if they have a couple of days off school, when the opposite is often the case.
Feel free to pm me if you want any more info.

The school used to encourage me to go as soon as we could get DD inside and the door closed behind her. DD found this really stressful and looking back, it made things worse. If she has separation anxiety then she needs to be calm and ready when you leave. We set up a meet and greet where a TA took DD inside with me to a quiet space away from the classroom, we did some activities, I warned DD I would be leaving in 5 minutes etc. Most days she would get engrossed in the activities with the TA and OK for me to leave. Some days she needed more time away from the classroom with the TA so they would do spellings etc together instead of in the classroom. This relies on there being a TA available and in time of course they were needed elsewhere. Then the next step was for me to take DD into the classroom early when it was quiet. Initially I stayed for 5 minutes but then just a hug and go. TA or teacher would give them a task to do to keep them occupied and also being the teacher's helper boosts self-esteem. The step after that was for DD to go int early on her own. Now she is going in as normal but it took a year of small steps. Along the way there was some EBSNA training online for me and DD had some coaching sessions around boosting self-esteem and dealing with anxiety. Eventually a CAHMS referral gave us a few more sessions but I'm glad we could access private ones sooner as it was a long wait. My DD was better when her Dad took her too but there were wider anxiety issues which came to light and she was just surpressing them when he took her which wasn't helpful in the long run. Good luck. My advice is don't ignore it.

I have no expertise in this area but just a tiny idea….
…. could you do something fun on the way to school? I know that makes the day even bloody earlier but something like a quick trip to the park before school?
… and / or a really fun treat booked in for after school? Eg trip to the soft play, cinema, something like that with the proviso that she gets her school day done and you get your work done, then you can do something fun? obviously those example also cost money so that might not be the answer. Just a thought .

i do think it depends what the underlying reason for wanting to stay off school is. I hope you get to the bottom of it

My DD 7 is similar right up to it getting worse at the end of year 1 then she fell apart completely as school got more formal in year 2. She is very likely autistic but it only really became noticeable at the start of year 2, and we realised that she was totally overwhelmed with the sensory environment of school plus struggling to keep up as her friends matured. It's not perfect, and we still have at least one day a week of not wanting to go in, but with support in place she's a lot better.

I agree with you, I personally would like to be able to homeschool DD but I couldn’t keep up with work and don’t have many close friends so she’d miss the social side also.

I will, thank you!

My dd’s school also insisted I left dd with them asap. Dd struggled with this and it worked much better at nursery as I was allowed to stay in the room for a while. At nursery, we had a routine, where I’d sit with her for a while in the room on the little sofa then leave. In the preschool room at nursery, I sat with her at breakfast and left when she’d finished.

Dd really struggled to go in reception. She was the last of the children clinging to me. In year 1 she had a very difficult friendship issue and she became very distressed ,and close school refusing. The teacher allowed her to go in earlier and had a sticker for if she got dressed nicely at home and went into class without a fuss. For a long while she could only wear one blouse and a headscarf, the latter of which was her security blanket for a good 18 months. But I got her in with much stress.

Dd also had some sensory issues, hence the one soft, heavily blouse and I removed all labels from clothes. And she had a lot of issues around self care and showering during this time. A lot triggered by the friendship and a realisation around my poor health, which I’d managed to hide largely when she was younger.

The things, which worked for me was getting dd changed at the last minute just before school so she didn’t have to think about getting changed. So it would be a whirlwind of getting dressed, in the car and at school before she knew it. She still was late regularly as the whirlwind didn’t always work. The few days she refused to get dressed even when late, we’d go in anyway and take her uniform.

I got her interested in a lot of activities outside school so that she could interact with other children. This was at the suggestion of a child psychologist I got on board. We tried rainbows for a while, which helped with dd’s confidence but she’s an active child and found that too constrained so we tagged onto things with my friend, who has a ds the same age. Swimming and judo plus other things dd expressed an interest in. Horse riding, dancing.

If the school is willing to do as Mig has suggested, I would definitely go with this. And if you have the money, a child psychologist could really help to identify issues and allow your dd a way to express what is going on.

Join the Facebook group mentioned above. So helpful

I agree