to be utterly fed up with school refusal (DD7)

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

Posting here for traffic because I need advice please! DD7 has never been one of those kids who jump out of bed and merrily make their way to school; we’ve always had stages where she doesn’t want to go, but only a handful of days here and there. We’ve currently had weeks on end of crying, screaming, refusing to get ready for school and standing her ground when it’s time to actually walk in.

I’ve tried being nice about it, talking to her about what she’s finding difficult about school; she says she has no friends and finds the work hard, but when I talk to school they say she’s very popular and is achieving higher than average in most of her subjects. I’ve tried saying “no, it’s time for school now. Put your uniform on now.” and being strict about it, but neither the nice or authoritative way works.

the kicker is is that I split contact with her Dad 50/50, and she only does this at home with me. At her dads she gets up no problem, occasionally tells him she doesn’t feel well but doesn’t make a fuss going in. I work from home so I’m wondering if that’s the issue, when she is actually ill she’s always here at home, so maybe she thinks she’ll get more luck here? Or am I being too soft with her?

looking for advice because I’m honestly at a loss for what to do. I hate the idea of sending her into school upset, this week school have told me to leave whilst she’s stood at the door shouting for me and I’m trying to make it to the car before bursting into tears. I regularly keep in contact with school and for the most part they tell me she settles in quickly, has a good day and doesn’t mention going home. It’s just the morning routine and getting her in that’s the issue. Any advice is really appreciated!

I've heard this a few times with year 2 so 7yrs

Mainly due to covid

They had a disrupted last terms of reception

Then once started year 1 same thing happened in first term

Year 2 is their first proper time at school

Yes she's happier going in with dad so maybe try and follow his routine for her

What time does he get her up

Does he walk to drive to school

Is this diff from you

Def tell her you are having to go to the office now to work and see if that helps

Generally if a child is crying at pre school /school as parent leaves - they are happy few mins after you have left

Yes some don't settle
But most do

Dad drives to school similar to me, only doesn’t go as early as us (it’s a nightmare to park so I like being there 15 mins early) gets up at 7 compared to 7-7.30 at dads, and she gets dressed immediately at dads whereas she gets dressed after breakfast here, which I’m going to change as this is giving her the opportunity of diving back into bed saying she doesn’t want to go. He gets her up and does everything she needs to do immediately and then they play before school so I’ll start doing that also.

I would be able to say I’m not working at home except I should have specified, I don’t WFH I’m self employed so I’m at home all day as I run an online shop; it doesn’t help that it’s pretty fun work, and she loves helping me out packing orders when she’s home!

yes always get them up as late as possible and get them dressed as fast as you can - can you get dressed before the song finishes/before I’ve done x, race me.

I'm on the fence - both of mine are autistic and it became clear for one of them at 7 who is very clever and school had no concerns, my dds behave the same with both of us now but only after my dh changed his parenting style to be more empathetic once he accepted the ASD.

does your dd get upset in other places - crowds, a new park that’s busy etc? I wouldn’t set much store by what school say, but I could see my dd visibly uncomfortable in other situations that had similar challenges to school, may be worth reflecting on that.

We’re just coming through this. I think for us it’s a new phase of separation anxiety. It’s also much worse when I drop her than when her dad does. She’s felt
unsettled as friendships have shifted around a lot at school. Although she always has people to play with, she doesn’t feel secure in her friendships as she did the last 2 years.

The class teacher has massively helped us, talking with us both before school and listening to her feelings, moving the seating plan and giving her special jobs to do with her teacher when she comes in in the morning. She also gave us a jourbal
called the ‘happy self’ journal and we do it each day. It helps us talk about school and focus on what she enjoyed as well as any issues.

I’ve found it really stressful - big hug as I know it feels awful. Maybe your school can support you both?

Ok. Then yes do the same as dad - and what we do

We get up. Dressed then down for breakfast.

When teeth hair shoes etx all ready then can play /watch tv

We get up 730 ish and leave for school 830 and walk so has an hour to get ready

Has been times been really tired so left her till 745/750 and again all been fine. Just no tv

I get the parking issue but if means you have 15m less maybe try and cut them down. Or park further away but walk

Have you asked your dd why she doesn’t do this with dad? Sorry if I’ve missed that.

I'm wondering whether the suggestion of getting involved with extracurricular clubs would help.

Because it's the same process of getting ready for something and then being left for a while with others.

If she is happy being left for clubs she might get used to going to school.

I have asked DD why she’s happy to go to school when she’s at daddy’s, she’s just said she doesn’t know. So far she has done ballet as a toddler, stopped when she started school because there was no available classes outside school time, swimming which she stuck at for about 5 months, and dancing which she only went to a handful of times. She wants to start gymnastics lessons which I’m looking into now but it’s usually the same, a lot of tears and a lot of energy spent trying to get her to go.

This could also be about connection with you - she's struggling to separate from you. Mornings are a big transition time and leaving her safe place and safe relationship with you could feel really hard, especially if she feels rushed. It's interesting that she has play time with dad in the morning whereas you feel you are more structured. I would try a "connecting" activity with her in the morning - even 10-15 minutes where she has your undivided attention. Reading, singing, a game, whatever means she feels seen and connected. Boundaried, so she knows when it ends. If she's 5 minutes late for school because it was hard to park, then so be it (whilst you navigate this time).

Secondly, think about how she can be connected to you whilst at school. Tell her how you'll be thinking of her at home. Be specific. Notes in the packed lunch, something you'll prepare for her when she gets home etc. Draw a heart on each of your hands (or something special to you) and say you'll be thinking of her every time you look at it and she can look at hers and think of you (drawing on wrist or arm can last longer and avoid being washed/worn off). Similarly a transitional object such as a photo, keyring or small trinket that connects you - either reminds her of you, you have a matching one, she's keeping it safe for you etc. Some people sew a button into the hem of their clothes "touch this every time you miss me". The Invisible String is a good kids book about this concept and connection and separation. If this is the underlying issue then trying these things will soon let you know. It'll likely be a bit of trial and error before you figure out the route cause, but the difference between yours and her dad's suggests it's not purely about school, and suggests positive changes are possible!

Good luck!

How different is her dad's routine to yours?

My friend has this with her dc if they know she is in the house. She pretends she isn't going to be in the house pretends she has meetings etc and school refusal is nearly 90% less

That’s the other question isn’t it - whether this is a preference for being in a non school environment or about maximising time with you.

the fact that your DD has a chequered history of not sticking with and huge effort to do extra curriculars is like both of mine - if she is overwhelmed at school then extra curriculars as a motivator shouldn’t work as a strategy.

mine were both quite visibly worn out after school.

I sympathise, I currently have this with a 9yo.
Right now as it's towards the end of the term he's not doing mondays. I work from home so I last sunday I worked into the evening so we could have time together, when i was working he watched a movie and we also have workbooks at home for maths and english which he did.
We are winding down towards the holidays and will be trying a new school in September.
I think the school he is at now is not the right one for him. Once I told him we could leave that school he seemed happier.

The sensory stuff and saying she has no friends and finds school hard is all pretty telling nd wise. Problem is so many mask and schools just see the mask and think all is fine when it's not. My child cried about school a lot but we were told she was fine right up to and even after her asd diagnosis in yr 5. She wasn't fine at all and ended up too anxious to attend year 6 because they refused to believe she was struggling and put the right support in place. Please believe your child

I have a similar child (a bit older) and it's really hard to physically leave (she wants to be there, she just wants me to stay too). No real advice as we are still struggling - but we think she may have autism (shown more potential signs as she gets older) so aware of not causing trauma around school for her. Just wanted yo comment so you're not alone! I'm joined not fine in school and have now left as found it pretty depressing and not very helpful!

It’s a really hard one - both of mine are autistic but even the latest post diagnostic session said it’s really better to get them in if you can. But as an experienced parent there is no point dragging in a terrified child and I’m dubious about how fine they miraculously become at school by mum/a parent magically leaving.

trying to walk that line between them expressing their feelings, being supported and not be totally controlled by anxiety is not easy.

this is possible but mum you may have to pay for this. Most schools just do not have the funds to pay for EPs at the moment.

I absolutely agree with this. Her behaviour is trying to tell you something.
People saying you need to nip in the bud makes me furious! As if you can anyway!
My DD also 7 is also a school refuser . I do manage to get her to school but usually late. She had sensory issues, ND and turns out she also has Coeliac disease so all the times she’s told me her tummy’s sore and I’ve put it down to anxiety it’s been that.
We have to listen to our children.
It is still incredibly frustrating.

Hi all. Thank you for all your advice.

it was dads night last night but I went to school to see how well DD walked in with him, so we all walked in together and DD went in very happily, no fuss at all, big smiles, hugs and a big kiss. Hopefully her doing that with me there can help her when it comes to doing it alone with me. I’m going to replicate her dads morning routine and slow it down a bit, let her do things her way and not get to school so early. If things don’t improve soon I will speak to school properly about it and seek additional help.

It’s not always easy to do this though.

My Dd 17 is refusing. The stress has been hideous. We’ve tried everything. School makes her feel ‘full of dread’

But she can articulate. A 7 year old can’t. She’s not being difficukt/ awkward even though it may seem like that. She needs listening to.

Its so stressful. 9 GCSE’s and now won’t go. She’s ASD.

That group is awful. I left too. It made me feel worse!

My Dd self harmed when we tried to push her into school. Just fight for an EHCP now.

Your final paragraph is your answer. She enjoys playing shops with you.
The fact she only does this with you and not her father shows it's a conscious decision. It's simply that she has fun at home with you.

I've been teaching for 29 years, and all things being equal, she doesn't sound like a school refuser. She sounds like she's sussed it's more fun to stay at home.

Does she also tell her father she has no friends and finds the work hard?

Don't give her a label at this age that she will find it hard to shake off in later years.

I've been teaching for 29 years, and all things being equal, she doesn't sound like a school refuser. She sounds like she's sussed it's more fun to stay at home

I’ve been teaching 26 years and she sounds like it to me. The unwillingness to get involved in stuff outside school is very telling. Very telling. She’s overloaded.

Oh I agree she could well be, but nothing to do with school per se.
I was thinking, what is far more likely to be affecting her is the upheaval following the parental separation and shared custody. Moving around from house to house constantly is very disruptive and disorienting. Absolutely neither parent's' fault, but very telling that the "clinging" only happens with Mum.

Plus all the extra activities that she's started and dropped quickly is just a very typical thing whereby small child wants to try something, followed by small child doesn't like it anymore and wants to stop doing it. If they were her idea to start with obviously

If she’s only showing this behaviour with you I would say she is missing you and the 50/50 arrangement is not working for her emotionally. Now what you can do about this is a completely different problem. As I’m assuming it’s court ordered and I’m wondering how your relationship is with your ex?

I would be researching this to try and find things you can do. I know of one mother with a similar problem where the father does drop off in the morning and the child just walks in like a lamb. But I don’t think that’s getting to the root of the problem. To my mind even if you could solve the issue similarly you still have a child who might miss her mother and that might bubble out in a different behaviour later down the line.

Just wanted to offer support and sympathy and agree with advice that the behaviour whatever the cause is expressing a need. And you quickly need to find out what that is and get the right support. I wouldn't lean on the school to sort it. She needs a psychiatrist to assess for ND or whatever it is. And then go from there. I wish we had done things differently and that I had followed my instincts better and not listened to people at school or out of school who didn't know.