To find this a major turn off

Willow53 · 2023-06-21T10:02:36+00:00

Hi all, Been with my husband 15 years. I have brought this up many a time, but the message doesn't seem to get through and am starting to wonder if it is me! Basically, whenever my husband would like to have sex, he has to announce it earlier in the day. I find it horrendously unsexy, and basically it makes my vagina slam shut! So his comments can vary from very unsubtle (how about you take your trousers off later) to more subtle (do you want to have an early night tonight and spend time together) Whilst I understand that with 2 young children, the frequency of our sex could be a bit better, but I just wish he would wait until later and make a move rather than scheduling it into my day. Basically when he does this, it feels like another "chore" on my list, and I don't want to feel like that about being intimate with my husband. So AIBU?

Ingrowncrotchhair · 21/06/2023 11:04

It makes me feel anxious about it if it’s scheduled or planned.
and my OH is not at all pushy. So, I get you

Kanaloa · 21/06/2023 11:07

So he just comes up to you and says ‘how about you take your trousers off later?’ Nothing could better ensure that my trousers would stay on forever.

Does he make these weird advances while ticking off half the ‘chore list’ you feel overwhelmed by? I hope so! I think I’d just have to say to him ‘it’s so unsexy when you say that, it puts me right off.’

Original poster

Willow53 · 21/06/2023 11:25

Kanaloa · 21/06/2023 11:07

So he just comes up to you and says ‘how about you take your trousers off later?’ Nothing could better ensure that my trousers would stay on forever.

Does he make these weird advances while ticking off half the ‘chore list’ you feel overwhelmed by? I hope so! I think I’d just have to say to him ‘it’s so unsexy when you say that, it puts me right off.’

Yes so normally it's when I'm in the middle of something else or just sat watching TV, basically any time where sex is just completely not on my radar!

He complains that I don't initiate enough as well but I feel like he doesn't really give me a chance when he's scheduling it in for me 6 hours earlier 🙈

I suppose I could see it as something to look forward to during my day, but I just would prefer if it happened naturally

OP posts:

StrawberryWater · 21/06/2023 11:28

My husband is always a Sunday morning man. Same day, same time. Like clockwork.

No thanks. Scheduled sex is boring and it’s too much of a chore.

I had to tell him I’m never having sex on a Sunday ever again. I prefer spontaneity.

LlynTegid · 21/06/2023 11:30

Not good I agree. Reminds me of the joke about Mrs Trump having contractual obligations about certain sexual acts (won't repeat the exact words).

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2023 11:31

I wouldn't mind him saying in advance about tonight (if you lead busy lives and being spontaneous is a challenge) but the "take your trousers off" comment is awful and would kill the chance of anything stone dead.

brunettemic · 21/06/2023 11:46

Does it happen naturally though? Do you reject him a lot? In general YANBU but if it never happens naturally and he gets rejected a lot I can see where he’s coming from, even if he’s not going about it the “right” way.

GoldDuster · 21/06/2023 11:49

I think when you're busy and knackered and there are young kids the likelihood of sponteneity goes a bit out of the window and a bit of planning and fore thought can be a good thing, but

how about you take your trousers off later?

as flirting goes, does not do it for me either.

MayBeee · 21/06/2023 11:54

My ex , note ex , used to look at me and " nookie ? ". So glad I don't hear that word any more !

IsThePopeCatholic · 21/06/2023 11:55

Very unsexy and maybe a bit threatening?

takealettermsjones · 21/06/2023 11:59

"Take your trousers off later" is awful. I personally wouldn't see anything wrong with "let's have an early night and spend time together," but the problem here is that you've told him you don't like it/it doesn't work for you and he's still doing it.

What would you like him to do to initiate? Can you spell it out like he's an idiot?

AnotherDelphinium · 21/06/2023 11:59

I can’t help feeling this is why gay men have so much sex; men are constantly on the lookout for it, and need no foreplay/flirting/romancing.

It also baffles me that men beyond their early 20’s act like this, surely they’ve learnt how to romance a woman by now?! Apparently not!

My ex (again, note EX) would ask if I “fancied a cuddle” yes. Yes I do, FANCY A CUDDLE, he’d then seen surprised when I didn’t want sex… well. You offered a cuddle. We had a cuddle. End of. If you want sex, try offering that, and when I say “potentially” that’s the time to start the flirting/romancing/etc.

I think the issue is you’re finding sex a chore. That’s not a great sign, how about taking penetrative sex off the books for eight weeks and offer that he can find other ways to pleasure you?

CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2023 11:59

If you still want sex with him I can't see why 'scheduling' sex is such a turnoff. Does sex happen at all if he doesn't request it?

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:03

It's a clumsy approach but perhaps he likes to have the idea of having sex/making love acknowledged some time beforehand to give him something to look forewarned to?

I wouldn't like it but would put it to him kindly that it's a turn off for you.

Slightly different but I was bemused to hear that Penny, Rod Stewart's wife used to or maybe still does, wear a red wristband when it was her time of the month to signal to Rod that she wasn't up for being sexually approached!

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

subolooo · 21/06/2023 12:08

I'd feel the pressure too. My hubby sometimes says "do you fancy a naked cuddle later" and most of the time I do :)

inappropriateraspberry · 21/06/2023 12:09

AnotherDelphinium · 21/06/2023 11:59

I can’t help feeling this is why gay men have so much sex; men are constantly on the lookout for it, and need no foreplay/flirting/romancing.

It also baffles me that men beyond their early 20’s act like this, surely they’ve learnt how to romance a woman by now?! Apparently not!

My ex (again, note EX) would ask if I “fancied a cuddle” yes. Yes I do, FANCY A CUDDLE, he’d then seen surprised when I didn’t want sex… well. You offered a cuddle. We had a cuddle. End of. If you want sex, try offering that, and when I say “potentially” that’s the time to start the flirting/romancing/etc.

I think the issue is you’re finding sex a chore. That’s not a great sign, how about taking penetrative sex off the books for eight weeks and offer that he can find other ways to pleasure you?

My husband says the same! Asks for a 'cuddle.' I've done the same and said the same as you. Then he moans I don't initiate sex - I never get the chance! Just wait and see what happens.

2bazookas · 21/06/2023 12:10

Just reply in kind

" I'll book that in for five minutes between the Brownie run and East Enders. "

"Your mother's coming over, we could have a quickie in the downstairs toilet after dinner while she loads the dishwasher".

" You're taking Timmy to football in the park, if I come too we could go doggystyle behind the bushes".

Original poster

Willow53 · 21/06/2023 12:15

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

I'm actually the breadwinner in this family so I think saying he got the wife and the house would be more accurate. But thanks for your input.

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EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:18

@Willow53 the way you have stated you are the breadwinner makes me think he might feel a little inferior and his declaring the desire for sex might be his way of trying to have some authority.

Original poster

Willow53 · 21/06/2023 12:19

AnotherDelphinium · 21/06/2023 11:59

I can’t help feeling this is why gay men have so much sex; men are constantly on the lookout for it, and need no foreplay/flirting/romancing.

It also baffles me that men beyond their early 20’s act like this, surely they’ve learnt how to romance a woman by now?! Apparently not!

My ex (again, note EX) would ask if I “fancied a cuddle” yes. Yes I do, FANCY A CUDDLE, he’d then seen surprised when I didn’t want sex… well. You offered a cuddle. We had a cuddle. End of. If you want sex, try offering that, and when I say “potentially” that’s the time to start the flirting/romancing/etc.

I think the issue is you’re finding sex a chore. That’s not a great sign, how about taking penetrative sex off the books for eight weeks and offer that he can find other ways to pleasure you?

Perhaps. I suppose with a full time very stressful job, I just don't feel like sex very often myself. When he makes a move, I would say 90% of the time I am receptive because I know it is important for him to feel connected and wanted, and I do enjoy it once we get going. I'd say at minimum we have sex once a week apart from when I have my period.

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PushmePull · 21/06/2023 12:19

What's horrendously unsexy is if you have spelled out to him clearly that you hate this, and he is completely ignoring what you are saying.

If he wants to have sex with you, he first needs to listen to you.

Original poster

Willow53 · 21/06/2023 12:21

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:18

@Willow53 the way you have stated you are the breadwinner makes me think he might feel a little inferior and his declaring the desire for sex might be his way of trying to have some authority.

I don't really think about who earns more to be honest as we aren't too far away from each other salary wise and there have been long periods when he has earned more than me while I was training. I just was irritated by that posters implication that I was with him for the money and the house, which isn't the case. I'm with him for him.

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 21/06/2023 12:51

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

How have you concluded that she puts zero effort into maintaining the marriage?? All she's said is that she finds "take your trousers off later" very unsexy. I'd say that his insistence on saying it despite knowing it turns her off is him putting no effort in.

Howyiz · 21/06/2023 14:22

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:18

@Willow53 the way you have stated you are the breadwinner makes me think he might feel a little inferior and his declaring the desire for sex might be his way of trying to have some authority.

Jesus wept!
Seriously?? So women should be grateful and subservient when the man is the breadwinner but when the woman is the breadwinner she's emasculating the man and be more thoughtful?

It absolutely astounds me at how low some women's bar is.