Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a major turn off

54 replies

Willow53 · 21/06/2023 11:02

Hi all,

Been with my husband 15 years. I have brought this up many a time, but the message doesn't seem to get through and am starting to wonder if it is me!

Basically, whenever my husband would like to have sex, he has to announce it earlier in the day. I find it horrendously unsexy, and basically it makes my vagina slam shut!

So his comments can vary from very unsubtle (how about you take your trousers off later) to more subtle (do you want to have an early night tonight and spend time together)

Whilst I understand that with 2 young children, the frequency of our sex could be a bit better, but I just wish he would wait until later and make a move rather than scheduling it into my day. Basically when he does this, it feels like another "chore" on my list, and I don't want to feel like that about being intimate with my husband.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 21/06/2023 15:07

a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

Yes, that does seem to describe OP's DH's behaviour very well. You have to feel for her, @booboo82, don't you?

QueenBitch666 · 21/06/2023 15:33

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

The husband has arrived 😂

Naunet · 21/06/2023 16:14

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

So no comment on the men who stop putting effort into getting their wife in the mood and just expect it on demand? How interesting that it’s only women that have to make an effort. 🙄

Naunet · 21/06/2023 16:20

OP when did he last make an effort? Does he ever take you on dates or do things to make you feel desired? I’m so sick of men thinking once the ring is on, they have to put zero effort into their relationship anymore and making their wife actually feel desired and seen, and instead seem to think sex should suddenly just be a service you provide.

OhComeOnFFS · 21/06/2023 16:44

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:18

@Willow53 the way you have stated you are the breadwinner makes me think he might feel a little inferior and his declaring the desire for sex might be his way of trying to have some authority.

She can't win, can she? She said she was the breadwinner in response to a nasty comment from someone who thought she was living off her husband. Now she's defended herself you think she's making her husband feel bad.

Original poster
Willow53 · 21/06/2023 19:05

Naunet · 21/06/2023 16:20

OP when did he last make an effort? Does he ever take you on dates or do things to make you feel desired? I’m so sick of men thinking once the ring is on, they have to put zero effort into their relationship anymore and making their wife actually feel desired and seen, and instead seem to think sex should suddenly just be a service you provide.

He does when he can, it can be a struggle with a lack of childcare for us.

The only thing I do wish he would do is take both kids out for the day sometimes at the weekend and give me the day to myself. But that's a pretty specific want, I don't hold it against him that he doesn't.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 21/06/2023 22:43

@Willow53 basically I think it’s a mix of ‘love languages’ and energy mismatch.

for me I feel loved with cuddles, a hand hold, a compliment. Things to me that fill up my meter of feeling loved. I show my love through touch, words and little actions.

my partner doesn’t need that. He feels loved by sexual acts. He shows love through cooking for me… and erm. Well he means well… it’s a work in progress shall we say.

add in the fact that you probably have a full mental load etc it’s no wonder his ‘fancy a shag later?’ routine goes down like a lead balloon.

I’ve asked mine to think on how he feels loved by me (what do I do that makes him feel loved) and how he shows love. That’s his homework this month. Seriously.

it’s a hard conversation but definitely worth having. Explain how it doesn’t fill you with desire and how you’d like to try mixing things up. I’d also suggest that both of you do a love language quiz. I’m not normally into woo etc but I have accepted that we are all differently wired and our needs etc don’t always align with others so I’m all for learning how my partner thinks, and my own needs and how we bring them together.

pictoosh · 21/06/2023 22:48

"The only thing I do wish he would do is take both kids out for the day sometimes at the weekend and give me the day to myself. But that's a pretty specific want, I don't hold it against him that he doesn't."

You see, I think if he did things like this as a matter of course, you'd probably desire him more.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 22:50

Have you had an actual conversation when you've told him plainly how much of a turn off this is for you and why?

pictoosh · 21/06/2023 22:50

Oh and obviously if he didn't say "how about you take your trousers off later?"

IamstilltheWalrus · 21/06/2023 23:00

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

why is it a woman's job to "maintain the marriage" exactly?
Men put efforts to start having sex with you, no how about you take your trousers off later when you start dating, why is it ok to drop their standards once you have a ring and a baby?

Marriage means intimacy, not becoming a sexual doormat.

Women can check out and find better too you know.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/06/2023 23:05

We sometimes say let's have sex tonight

momtoboys · 21/06/2023 23:30

IsThePopeCatholic · 21/06/2023 11:55

Very unsexy and maybe a bit threatening?

Oh, come on…unsexy, yes, but threatening?? Next you’ll be saying LTB.

DumpedByText · 21/06/2023 23:42

It's just grim, my ex used say 'are we having a shower tonight' which meant he wanted sex. If I had a shower before he'd mentioned it, he'd presume this meant I was up for it, used to make me cringe!

Seriouslyfuckedoff · 21/06/2023 23:49

Totally different perspective but… I give anything for mine to invite me to take my trousers off later. Years sice any trouserless fun in this house!

ChatBFP · 22/06/2023 00:05

We have two young kids, two jobs. We both (but my DH more) regularly say "it would be great to have an early night together", which means - we'd love to relax and watch TV, which will probably turn into sex. Doesn't bother me at all, because it's couches as wanting to spend time together - whilst he'd like it to lead to sex, I know that if I am under the weather or don't fancy it I won't get sulking because it is genuinely about us being together, which can feel a bit rare as we often have to log on or do admin on the evenings.

Mangogogogo · 22/06/2023 00:11

I can’t, personally, imagine being turned off by my partner saying he wants a shag later. I do it to him probably more though lol.

however! It’s not about me, but do you think this is a bigger thing? Like why are you turned off by him? I don’t mean you to answer me these questions just ask yourself them.

have you told him you don’t like it?

SheerLucks · 22/06/2023 00:12

Cripes.

Is he 85...

Anotherparkingthread · 22/06/2023 00:46

My partner will occasionally hint or be as flat as to whisper a "when we get home..." type comment. I like it, gives me something to look forward to haha.
If he hates it have you just straight up told him you find it crude and icky? Give him an alternative route though other wise he will feel its an enormous rejection. So for example 'dh I'd like sex to be a bit more spontaneous, the scheduled sex isn't working for me as mentally it just goes on my list if chores. why don't you just put the moves on when we go to bed? Or bring a bottle of wine to the bedroom and we get an early night.' Etc etc to guide him towards how you would like to asked.

And just bevause it might make you laugh I said 'I need to get some wetting agent'(a photography supply) and my poor confused optimistic husband thought I'd given him a rude nickname. The wetting agent... 😶

Hairday · 22/06/2023 00:56

Ewww this is so unsexy. Wtf is wrong with men! He needs to be a bit romantic/responsive. Just a bit. Jesus.

Avondale89 · 22/06/2023 01:04

booboo82 · 21/06/2023 12:06

I actually wonder how so many of you manage to stay married tbh , get the husband, the house , the baby and then put zero effort into maintaining the marriage , and you all wonder why so many men just check out after a while , used for security and sperm and then discarded into a sexlife life of nagging and boredom lol 😆

Wow. Aren’t you special.

Begsthequestion · 22/06/2023 01:08

Mangogogogo · 22/06/2023 00:11

I can’t, personally, imagine being turned off by my partner saying he wants a shag later. I do it to him probably more though lol.

however! It’s not about me, but do you think this is a bigger thing? Like why are you turned off by him? I don’t mean you to answer me these questions just ask yourself them.

have you told him you don’t like it?

Literally the first paragraph of the OP:

Been with my husband 15 years. I have brought this up many a time, but the message doesn't seem to get through and am starting to wonder if it is me!

autieawesome · 22/06/2023 01:39

I find I need to be put in the mood for sex and I'm not talking about foreplay. ! I need to feel loving/attractive towards my oh. Sometimes this will happen through watching a romantic film or reading a book . So he doesn't have to do anything. Other times it can be a loving gesture on his part or a sexual build up. (Lots of kissing etc in the day) But I can't just meander on throughout the day then go to bed and have sex.

Backstreets · 22/06/2023 01:46

“Fancy a shag” is fun and cheeky in a 90s way “shall thine troosers descend” is bonkers in a 70s way

electriclight · 22/06/2023 01:47

Have you told him that you don't like it and find it very unsexy? It might provoke an honest conversation in which he can also tell you what you do that he finds unsexy too.

Do you think he might do this because he enjoys the anticipation, or thinks it's sexy to enjoy the anticipation together?

Or because there have been times when he's been rejected, or just not asked, because spontaneity clearly wasn't welcome, so he's trying something else?