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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwell child can't go to school

91 replies

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 07:26

Hello,

Our son was up vomiting all night last night and can't go to school.

We have someone who drops our kids off at school but can't stay with them during the day.

My husband works from home and I have just stared a 100% office based job.

We have agreed our son will stay home with my husband today and if my mum will come and relay him when she can.

Up till here all well. Here comes the AIBU.

My husband had a Jujitsu trial this morning and it refusing to cancel it. In his mind either the girl who drops our kids off at school should take our unwell son to school and back or I should go in to work late so he can go.

I have said he has to cancel as our son isn't well.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 21/06/2023 10:15

It just needs to be broken down into simple facts. You have work, he has free time that he happend to have arranged something non-essential for. He therefore has the means and time to take care of his own child. There’s no grey area here, he needs to accept it’s just one of those things when it comes to parenting.

redskytwonight · 21/06/2023 10:21

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 07:41

Sorry for clarity, husband disagrees with my wording.
He has agreed to cancel his trial (again for clarity this was a trial session at a sports to club to see whether he wanted to take this on as a hobby - he has never had a class🙄). He is not happy I said he was refusing. It took a discussion and some convincing and him not being happy about it.

My point is, I am annoyed it even crossed his minding putting himself first.

There is a back story to this, but I have been the by proxy parent for 6 years. I have just gone back to work and I am still on a probation period. I could take a day off but have just taken time off for a few other emergencies and have this afternoon off. I can't work from home. My husband can continue working with our son here but has important deadlines / meetings he can't cancel.

To be fair to OP's DH (who has cancelled his trial, so this is no a non-problem) my first thought when a child is sick is not to instantly drop everything but to work out how they can be cared for with minimum disruption to other things that I and my DH (the two of us combined) have on. If this was life threatening or the child was hospitalised, it would clearly be different ... but this is apparently a normal childhood illness so it doesn't need adults to make it top priority if there are other solutions.

Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 10:31

redskytwonight · 21/06/2023 10:21

To be fair to OP's DH (who has cancelled his trial, so this is no a non-problem) my first thought when a child is sick is not to instantly drop everything but to work out how they can be cared for with minimum disruption to other things that I and my DH (the two of us combined) have on. If this was life threatening or the child was hospitalised, it would clearly be different ... but this is apparently a normal childhood illness so it doesn't need adults to make it top priority if there are other solutions.

Show quote history

Interesting to hear this perspective and I think this is more my husband's way of thinking.

However, I don't work this way. If my son is poorly my knee jerk reaction is to want to be with him and comfort him. At the very least make him feel as comfortable as possible and definitely not get him to walk to school and back. I also think he must be exhausted from being up a lot of the night.

For clarity, our son is no longer vomiting - he was not asking for a vomiting child to walk to school and back. He vomited 5 times last eve/ night and seems ok now. I suspect it's more that something has upset his stomach than a bug.

OP posts:
7eleven · 21/06/2023 10:39

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable here. Your OH did change his plans. Being bothered because he took a minute to see if things could be done another way says more about how you feel about leaving your child, maybe?

Clymene · 21/06/2023 10:44

That's fine if childcare responsibilities are a well oiled machine @redskytwonight. But the OP has just gone back to work, she's on probation and has already had to take time out for a family bereavement. In this instance, he should just step up to the plate, no quibbling.

As he's literally never been inconvenienced by his child before then obviously it's going to take him a bit of getting used to but having a sulk about not being able to try a new hobby is really pathetic.

I think you need to make it very clear to him that this is how it's going to be from now on @Jeclop. You are no longer default parent and you're both going to be inconvenienced by illness and school holidays and inset days and all the other day to day curve balls parenting throws at you.

Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 10:55

Thank you all for your responses, especially to those who have been respectful and constructive.
Some good points raised. Especially those who opened my eyes to the fact that this is new to him and may take some adjustment - patience, patience, patience.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 21/06/2023 10:59

CharlieRight · Today 08:41
FFS I thought it was a team GB try out or something.

He is being unreasonable”

This. It couldn’t be rescheduled? Bollox,of course it could.

jannier · 21/06/2023 13:02

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:33

I feel we are massively sidelining here...she is our nanny but can't look after him today. Full stop. I feel this is irrelevant.

Show quote history

Then call her your nanny not "the girl" that's disrespectful and part of the overall attitude to caring for your child. If I heard you call me that you wouldn't see me again.

jannier · 21/06/2023 13:05

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 10:31

Interesting to hear this perspective and I think this is more my husband's way of thinking.

However, I don't work this way. If my son is poorly my knee jerk reaction is to want to be with him and comfort him. At the very least make him feel as comfortable as possible and definitely not get him to walk to school and back. I also think he must be exhausted from being up a lot of the night.

For clarity, our son is no longer vomiting - he was not asking for a vomiting child to walk to school and back. He vomited 5 times last eve/ night and seems ok now. I suspect it's more that something has upset his stomach than a bug.

Show quote history

Vomiting even once can be a stomach bug 5 times is a bug and he needs to isolate 48 hours after last bout

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 21/06/2023 13:08

Good lord ur husband is acting like a baby.

Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 13:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PriOn1 · 21/06/2023 13:22

redskytwonight · 21/06/2023 10:21

To be fair to OP's DH (who has cancelled his trial, so this is no a non-problem) my first thought when a child is sick is not to instantly drop everything but to work out how they can be cared for with minimum disruption to other things that I and my DH (the two of us combined) have on. If this was life threatening or the child was hospitalised, it would clearly be different ... but this is apparently a normal childhood illness so it doesn't need adults to make it top priority if there are other solutions.

Show quote history

Minimum disruption for you at the expense of spreading the (probable) norovirus to other people, presumably.

People who don’t take responsibility for minimizing spreading their children’s vomiting bugs are selfish as fuck.

DemBonesDemBones · 21/06/2023 18:00

@ChiefWiggumsBoy really?

'My husband had a Jujitsu trial this morning and it refusing to cancel it. In his mind either the girl who drops our kids off at school should take our unwell son to school and back or I should go in to work late so he can go.'

bryceQ · 21/06/2023 18:02

Never in my life have I seen this play out the other way around. Ie a woman has a hobby she won't cancel for her sick child. The ridiculous entitlement. Be a parent for Fucks sake.

Notamum12345577 · 21/06/2023 19:29

All the people upset that she called a young woman a girl 🤣. What is wrong with that? I call adult women girls sometimes, like I might call adult men lads or boys.

Lollzi86 · 21/06/2023 22:43

I call myself a girl sometimes and….I’m 37 @Notamum12345577 maybe it’s because we aren’t mums we don’t give a hoot about what someone calls me as long as it’s not openly offensive…or maybe I’m not overly sensitive?’ Either way, her DH (which btw I hate that!) is the one in the wrong. If he wants the money the wife/partner is going to contribute then he needs to realise things have now changed and he needs to step up. I couldn’t be doing with a man baby at all!

Tooearlytothink · 22/06/2023 07:28

If he could manage those important meetings/deadlines around a trial then he can manage them around looking after your son. Sounds like he’s too used to you taking all of this responsibility on & needs to wise up.

redskytwonight · 22/06/2023 07:39

Notamum12345577 · 21/06/2023 19:29

All the people upset that she called a young woman a girl 🤣. What is wrong with that? I call adult women girls sometimes, like I might call adult men lads or boys.

It's all about context ... if I'm out with a group of middle aged female friends we might call ourselves girls (in a slightly ironic sense).

But calling another woman a "girl" (especially in a context where it might be an actual child girl) has negative infantalising tones.

Would OP have called her childcarer a "girl" if she was a 50 year old woman? Would OP have called her childcarer a "boy" if he was a man and not a woman of the same age? Guessing not in both cases.

Backstreets · 22/06/2023 07:45

He made the right decision eventually. Nobody is 100% perfect.

Original poster
Jeclop · 22/06/2023 10:40

redskytwonight · 22/06/2023 07:39

It's all about context ... if I'm out with a group of middle aged female friends we might call ourselves girls (in a slightly ironic sense).

But calling another woman a "girl" (especially in a context where it might be an actual child girl) has negative infantalising tones.

Would OP have called her childcarer a "girl" if she was a 50 year old woman? Would OP have called her childcarer a "boy" if he was a man and not a woman of the same age? Guessing not in both cases.

Show quote history

We have a wonderful relationship. She has been with us for over 4 years and is amazing - we are very close. She would laugh at your comment.
Potato potaato.

We are digressing and this is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeclop · 22/06/2023 10:40

Backstreets · 22/06/2023 07:45

He made the right decision eventually. Nobody is 100% perfect.

Thank you. You are right!

OP posts:
stichguru · 22/06/2023 17:16

Easy one. Sick son can't mix with others. 4 possible people to look after him

  1. You - can't have to be in work
  2. Person who takes you kids to school - can't because she couldn't take him with her so school or stay at home with him and leave home with the other kids at the same time.
  3. grandparent - can't shouldn't be entering a sick house
  4. Dad - has already mixed with kid and can miss what he was going to do. DAD stays home. No other choice.
commonsense61 · 22/06/2023 17:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Maireas · 22/06/2023 17:44

ChristmasJumpers · 21/06/2023 08:49

Are you saying your DH has already agreed not to go to the trial, but at first he tried to think of a way not to have to cancel? Once you pushed it, he realised he had to stay at home? Yes obviously it's annoying that he didn't immediately drop the jujitsu trial idea but obviously he was looking forward to it so tried to find a win win situation.

YABU for making a post about more or less nothing

This, exactly.

BlinkeredBay · 22/06/2023 17:53

Ha ha ha ha he’s really funny! Not!

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