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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwell child can't go to school

91 replies

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 07:26

Hello,

Our son was up vomiting all night last night and can't go to school.

We have someone who drops our kids off at school but can't stay with them during the day.

My husband works from home and I have just stared a 100% office based job.

We have agreed our son will stay home with my husband today and if my mum will come and relay him when she can.

Up till here all well. Here comes the AIBU.

My husband had a Jujitsu trial this morning and it refusing to cancel it. In his mind either the girl who drops our kids off at school should take our unwell son to school and back or I should go in to work late so he can go.

I have said he has to cancel as our son isn't well.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 21/06/2023 08:53

He is being unreasonable. Yes, I would be angry as well that it’s even crossed his mind.

Dinobore · 21/06/2023 08:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

What a shame, this is part of being a parent sometimes- one of the shit parts.

I have been the by proxy parent for 6 years. I have just gone back to work

He's used to not having to be an equal parent, it's absolutely right that you are prioritising your new job whilst on probation and perfectly reasonable that he steps up.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/06/2023 09:11

Oh good lord, he missed his free trial at the gym which he can do next week, or the week after or any bloody day ju-jitsu is on. I hope he recovers from the disappointment. Back in the real world, kids and jobs have priority (and dogs)

jannier · 21/06/2023 09:12

DemBonesDemBones · 21/06/2023 07:29

So you both think that a child care provider or your Mum deserve to catch your son's vomiting bug so you two can carry on as normal? Sorry guys, time to be grown ups.

And the childcare provider is the girl....

jannier · 21/06/2023 09:16

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 07:41

Sorry for clarity, husband disagrees with my wording.
He has agreed to cancel his trial (again for clarity this was a trial session at a sports to club to see whether he wanted to take this on as a hobby - he has never had a class🙄). He is not happy I said he was refusing. It took a discussion and some convincing and him not being happy about it.

My point is, I am annoyed it even crossed his minding putting himself first.

There is a back story to this, but I have been the by proxy parent for 6 years. I have just gone back to work and I am still on a probation period. I could take a day off but have just taken time off for a few other emergencies and have this afternoon off. I can't work from home. My husband can continue working with our son here but has important deadlines / meetings he can't cancel.

His work couldn't be that urgent if he could take the morning off to do what is effectively a gym class ....
Please stop demeaning your childcare provider by calling her a girl I assume you have employed an adult for the role.

Srin · 21/06/2023 09:18

If he organises alternative childcare then fine. If he is relying on you organising it, not so fine.

Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:19

jannier · 21/06/2023 09:16

His work couldn't be that urgent if he could take the morning off to do what is effectively a gym class ....
Please stop demeaning your childcare provider by calling her a girl I assume you have employed an adult for the role.

Show quote history

I am not demeaning anyone. She is a young adult, yes. She is already exposed to the potential virus as she lives with us. I don't really need to go into this much detail other than to say she can't watch him for the day as she has other commitments.

OP posts:
FriedEggChocolate · 21/06/2023 09:26

My DH had a tae kwan do grading and cancelled it because DD was ill. how ill would DS have to be for him to cancel? In hospital? You have a new job so of course he asks them to reschedule or asks them to move him to the next opportunity in a few months.

jannier · 21/06/2023 09:27

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:19

I am not demeaning anyone. She is a young adult, yes. She is already exposed to the potential virus as she lives with us. I don't really need to go into this much detail other than to say she can't watch him for the day as she has other commitments.

Show quote history

She can't watch him for the day as she's not her parent no childcare should unless you pay a nanny. Au pairs for example do not care for sick children. ....if she's an adult calling her the girl is demeaning.

Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:33

jannier · 21/06/2023 09:27

She can't watch him for the day as she's not her parent no childcare should unless you pay a nanny. Au pairs for example do not care for sick children. ....if she's an adult calling her the girl is demeaning.

Show quote history

I feel we are massively sidelining here...she is our nanny but can't look after him today. Full stop. I feel this is irrelevant.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/06/2023 09:35

Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:33

I feel we are massively sidelining here...she is our nanny but can't look after him today. Full stop. I feel this is irrelevant.

Show quote history

You're right, it is totally irrelevant.

Your DH was BU.

Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 09:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

bussteward · 21/06/2023 09:37

Sorry, he wanted his vomiting child marched to and from school with the other DC instead of being home in bed so he could go to see if he liked a hobby he hasn’t even done before? Is he generally this stupid or is it a special occasion?

DemBonesDemBones · 21/06/2023 09:41

@jannier a parent once pulled this trick on me the day before my own child's first birthday. Which I missed because I was then vomiting. Childcare providers are actual people with actual lives that sometimes don't involve the children and families they care for. Remarkable, isn't it. It's so awful that this pair think they can make the nanny sick because they can't be bothered to look after their own child.

Topseyt123 · 21/06/2023 09:42

DH is being a tit!

Of course he has to cancel his Jujitsu trial. DS comes first and now that you have returned to work you can no longer always be the default for this.

You are also on probation at the moment so cannot keep taking time off willy-nilly. Common sense should be telling DH that.

My DH took a little while to get used to me being back at work too after some years as a SAHM. Not really childcare related as they were all secondary school age and older then, more that he could no longer arrange deliveries and other stuff in the day and assume that I would be there. He got it wrong once or twice and had to take annual leave himself to cover.

They do have to learn that you can't always be available.

Clymene · 21/06/2023 09:44

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'Bitching about him'?

Nice

Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You clearly disagree and that's fine. I am on probation at work and had to take 2 days off last week for my grandmother's funeral in Spain (I mention location in case there is pushback about why I took 2 whole days 🙄) and a half day this afternoon to take my eldest to the GP.
Yes, I could say I can't come in to work and stay at home and my DH continue as usual. Would that be what you consider fair?

We had already agreed on who was doing what today. He can be more flexible and can work from home - I can't.

My point was solely about the trial class this morning that could be moved.

My point was that if the shoe were on the other foot I wouldn't even consider going to my class. I would want to be at home comforting my child...

I was upset he even considered going, yes. I am not "bitching". I am asking if I am unreasonable to be upset by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:45

Topseyt123 · 21/06/2023 09:42

DH is being a tit!

Of course he has to cancel his Jujitsu trial. DS comes first and now that you have returned to work you can no longer always be the default for this.

You are also on probation at the moment so cannot keep taking time off willy-nilly. Common sense should be telling DH that.

My DH took a little while to get used to me being back at work too after some years as a SAHM. Not really childcare related as they were all secondary school age and older then, more that he could no longer arrange deliveries and other stuff in the day and assume that I would be there. He got it wrong once or twice and had to take annual leave himself to cover.

They do have to learn that you can't always be available.

Perhaps this is it. Thanks for the measured response!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeclop · 21/06/2023 09:47

DemBonesDemBones · 21/06/2023 09:41

@jannier a parent once pulled this trick on me the day before my own child's first birthday. Which I missed because I was then vomiting. Childcare providers are actual people with actual lives that sometimes don't involve the children and families they care for. Remarkable, isn't it. It's so awful that this pair think they can make the nanny sick because they can't be bothered to look after their own child.

We are not using a childcare provider, however I have already explained that this person lives with us. Has been exposed - gave him a kiss and cuddle this morning for example. Was looking after him yesterday when he was first I'll, etc etc. Either way, they will not be looking after our son today

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 21/06/2023 09:51

My DH and I have always been 50/50 when it comes to things to do with our DC - in anything he has done more than me in terms of rearranging when kids were sick, for concerts, sports days, etc. However, he started a new job this year and we both agreed that I would cover EVERYTHING that interfered the working day with during at least the first three months and and a very large proportion for the next three months, because it is increasingly important to make a good impression as a reliable employee when you start. Once you've been there six months or a year, if people know you aren't flaky, then they will be ok with the odd fudge for a sick kid, sports day, whatever.

If you are in a probation period, especially if this is your first job back in the Rolf or e after some years out with the kids, he MUST step up. It's to the good of the family overall to have you in secure employment too.

Outofthepark · 21/06/2023 09:52

Jesus OP clearly your DP is being a complete selfish asshole and a crap parent.

Unfortunately this needs to be nipped in the bud right now, because you've literally just started this job, and he's already found the most trivial reason ever for him to make you parent WHILE WORKING when he ISN'T WORKING so he doesn't have to - and all because he's trialling a fitness class, of all things. I mean this is a comedy, seriously.

Clearly kids get sick, stuff happens, he can't do this every time, else you'll have no hope of a career.

JaukiVexnoydi · 21/06/2023 09:53

You DH seems to have the emotional maturity of a 14yo.

Of course you can't go and do jujitsu with a poorly child at home. The child can't be left alone with that level of sickness. He can find and pay for an emergency babysitter if he wants but otherwise he needs to be there.

Sheesh what kind of a crap dad wants to prioritise jujitsu in these circumstances.

Obviously you can't cover this. You are on probation and being flakey and demonstrating that you don't have adequate backup to cover domestic issues and that your work will suffer whenever stuff like this happens is a sure way to fail probation.

PushmePull · 21/06/2023 09:54

Your second post re your new job and probationary period is what's important here.

We have always gone with whoever has the least impact at work takes the child, making sure that it stays about 50/50. If I had a quiet day at work I would take the day off today and DH would do tomorrow. Whether he wants to take the hit on work or ju jitsu is his look out, not mine, as long as he takes his share and it doesn't make much difference either way to me.

You're in a different situation because of the probation, and more importantly you are renegotiating the boundaries with your husband. So I think you're right to stick to your guns this time. However in general I would suggest going for a 50/50 split of sick cover. Work knows that children get sick, and the parent who works in an office doesn't get a pass from taking their turn.

cyncope · 21/06/2023 10:05

It's annoying when you have to cancel fun things because your child is sick, but that's what happens when you are a parent.

Your DH has been insulated from the reality of parenting for the last few years because you have done it, so now it's coming as a shock to him!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/06/2023 10:09

DemBonesDemBones · 21/06/2023 09:41

@jannier a parent once pulled this trick on me the day before my own child's first birthday. Which I missed because I was then vomiting. Childcare providers are actual people with actual lives that sometimes don't involve the children and families they care for. Remarkable, isn't it. It's so awful that this pair think they can make the nanny sick because they can't be bothered to look after their own child.

That's an interesting perspective on what the OP has actually posted Hmm