Partner always accuses me of nagging when I just need some help

[Clgal]

This might be a long one so apologies for that. My partner and I have an [almost] 2 year old. We both work full time and I do the majority of, well everything really! Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our DS, getting up in the morning, life admin etc etc. My post is relating to my partner constantly telling me I nag him and I just can’t bare it any more! Is it really nagging to point out that he, yet again, hasn’t cleared the shower out of hairs and soap scum or that the bin is overflowing and needs taking out? It’s his response to any time I ask him to help out with a bit of housework. The latest one was this evening. His car has been on its way out for months, my cars battery died last week and he told me to get it fixed asap as ‘we need at least one reliable car’ which I don’t disagree with. So I spent £300 on it being fixed. Meanwhile, my partner spent £350 on a mountain bike. This evening we’ve notice oil(?) dripping from underneath his car. I told him now might be the time to get it looked at and just pay whatever it costs to be fixed. He said he can’t afford it. I told him I couldn’t really afford my car last week but I found the money and paid to have the issue fixed- after he told me to. I also pointed out that had he not bought the bike he would have £350 more than what he does that could have gone towards his car. This is me nagging him? To me, this is a pretty reasonable observation and it seems that anytime I say something he doesn’t like, I am nagging. He knows how much it annoys me. My dad left my mum due to her constant nagging and feel like he uses this on purpose to make me panic and not mention anything. But I’m not that type of person. If I think something needs doing I will usually do it myself but I am not afraid to point out when he is lacking. As I said earlier I do EVERYTHING and he gets away with the bare minimum. He’s the type of guy that can’t wait to point out the 1 house chore he’s done that day while I’ve been at work and I can’t stand it. Anyway I feel like I am ranting now. But I just wonder, what actually is nagging? Is it really nagging to suggest that things get done? Does he accuse me of nagging because he hates when I am right? Does he say it to deflect and get away with doing the bare minimum? How can I make him realise that I don’t mean to ‘nag’ but if I don’t say things nothing will ever get done? Advice, or any experiences welcome, I’d like to know I’m not alone and over reacting to this.

Yeah tbh sounds like you are constantly nagging.

No you're not nagging. Nagging is repeatedly saying something over and over and over.

Nagging is repeating unpalatable truths.

If he pulled his finger out his arse you wouldn't have to repeat yourself. He's a selfish prick and he's accusing you of nagging to distract you from his laziness and make you question yourself and not your relationship.

Maybe you need more structure in how your housework is arranged. Could the two of you sit down with a list of jobs, like this one, and decide who does what, hopefully in a way you both agree is fair? That way, everyone knows what they're supposed to do and no one has to ask for help.

You could say to him, "look, I don't like nagging either, so can we try coming at this from a different angle?"

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4710484-chore-list-checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life-published-by-swedish-maternal-and-child-health-service

He’s training you not to nag because it shows him up for the lazy pig he is.

He’d rather you quietly did it all without nagging him as he doesn’t like it, while heaping praise on him for putting one bin out on one day on a month or whatever. Chancing B that he is.

Perhaps because he knows about your mum and dad and nagging that he thinks he’ll get away with this tactic.

My opinion is that if he did more you wouldn’t have to nag in the first place.

He is a lazy fecker that’s needing to do his share. I think a chore chart is in order to show him all the stuff that needs done. Allocate half to him. If he can’t be arsed start looking to split up from his lazy ass.

Loser

OP his dad left his mum for nagging, or reading between the lines maybe it was because his dad did fuck all and he’s emulating this. You’re not nagging if you expect him to pull his weight. Get rid.

He sounds like a dick. Sure you want to stay with this one?

Nagging is a highly gendered term. Like gossip. Are men described as doing these things? Nope.

I'd say nagging is asking someone to do something and then having to repeat yourself because they're not listening to you.

Housework has three stages - 1. noticing it needs to be done. 2. Planning/finding out how to do it. 3. Doing it. You're doing the first two and asking him to do the third, but he can't be arsed.

I'd have a real talk about why he thinks you should spend years of your life on mundane domestic stuff so that he shouldn't have to do any of it. Aim for the same amount of leisure time.

I think money spent and time spent should be seen as different things, though.

You're not alone and not overreacting.

Nagging is one of those words men use to keep women quiet and in the place they want them to be.

See also bossy, hysterical, shrill, harping/harpy etc.

Definition of Nagging:

Nagging is a woman having to repeat herself because the lazy bastard she's asked to do something hasn't done it!

Simple! If you're nagging him, then it's HIS fault, not yours OP! Yet another lazy man who expects 'his' woman to wait on him, hand, foot and finger. Come on OP, you can do better than this, kick this idle git into touch. At the end of the day, you've proved you don't actually need a man, as you do everything anyway, and at least if he's gone, he won't be contributing to the mess!!

How nasty of him to say yore nagging when you are telling him to pull his weight. He sounds like a time waster. Sit down and make a list of jobs with time limits to do them and divide it equally. He could sell his car because he has a bike now.

No not nagging. If people pull their weight there is no need for it. It's a lazy person's word.

Why doesn't he ride his shiny new bike to work? He obviously thought saving the planet was more important than a running car. Maybe he'll end up like all the other cyclist lazy partners though and go on rides for entire days at the weekend, so maybe ditch that idea!

He sounds like an arse who doesn’t contribute anything.

Why are you putting up with it? Genuinely. You’re not married and seem to have separate finances, and you’re doing all the parenting and housework and adulting anyway. What’s he bringing to the party- why do you want him around?

First of all it's not 'nagging' it's asking more than once. If he did it the first time you asked then you wouldn't have to ask again.

Nagging is a horrible sexist word and I don't think anyone should use it. You don't get men being accused of nagging do you?

And if he's got a new mountain bike he won't need his car. Make sure he doesn't use yours.

You could just say "Yes darling, I am nagging (if that's what you want to call it). I call it requesting that you do your fair share as you are not anyone special who should be exempt from usual responsibilities. I will keep requesting that you do your fair share (or nagging as you like to call it) until you actually do your fair fucking share"

He's hoping you will back off if he calls you a nag. Don't, and make it clear you won't. I personally think guys like this never change though.

I wouldn't do anything on his behalf anymore op

If he leaves clothes on the floor don't pick them up and when they've not been done tell him they go in the basket to be washed.

If he doesn't put dishes he uses away or in the dishwasher leave them where they are.

My dh does his fair share because from day one there wasn't the option not to.

On the odd occasion he didn't pull his weight I would tell him he's not doing enough adulting and to sort his shit out.

Tell him it gives you the ick when he behaves like a teenager and to read the article called
She divorced me because I left the dishes in the sink.

That should give him a heads up

Nagging is asking again and again.

Is the nagging justified? If someone does their share of chores and someone still nags them / tries to get them to do it exactly how they want it then no.

If someone does fuck all, leaving the other person the choices of a. Living in a shithole because they've chosen to ignore their partners share of undone jobs and just do their own, b. Taking on their partners share and doing all the work or c. Asking for help and being ignored, then yes, because the other two options are shit (for you, not him).

I think you need to sit down and get him to come up with solutions. Ok he doesn't like to be reminded. But he has repeatedly shown that he doesn't do chores unpromoted. So what's his solution? They dont get done? You do them all? What are you supposed to do if he 'forgets'? Keep quiet and keep your feeling to yourself? Why doesnt he want you talking about something that makes you feel unappreciated and resentful. Ultimately he needs to sort it out or the resentment will grow and he needs to be part of the solution or ultimately your solution will be to leave

There are certain words men use that tell you so much about their character - respect is one, nagging is another.

You don’t need “help”.
You need an equal partner in being a parent and running a home.
Help implies it’s all your responsibility and he can get away with sweet FA.

He's a lazy arse and really you should get rid of him.

This behaviour is part of the "nag paradox".

Ignorant man (let's face it, 99 times out of 100 it's a man) claims he "doesn't know what to do about the housework" but if you tell him what to do, he claims you're a nag and bossing him about. Either way, he gets away with doing little or nothing.

What he should be doing is acting like an equal partner and a grown up. If he sees a full bin, he should empty it. If the baby wakes up, he should get up to soothe it, if the car needs fixing, but you're short on cash, he shouldn't go out and spend £350 on a new toy.

This man is an idiot and you can do better.

No, you're not nagging.

You're the only adult in your family, and therefore, to a great big overgrown child, the voice or responsibility and reason is not going to be welcome.

Of course he'd much rather you did all the work around the house, and use the car you paid to get fixed, and then take off on his new toy to have fun while you're left with the children.

You're married to a selfish, immature leech, and you have a choice to make here.