Partner always accuses me of nagging when I just need some help

[Clgal]

This might be a long one so apologies for that. My partner and I have an [almost] 2 year old. We both work full time and I do the majority of, well everything really! Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our DS, getting up in the morning, life admin etc etc. My post is relating to my partner constantly telling me I nag him and I just can’t bare it any more! Is it really nagging to point out that he, yet again, hasn’t cleared the shower out of hairs and soap scum or that the bin is overflowing and needs taking out? It’s his response to any time I ask him to help out with a bit of housework. The latest one was this evening. His car has been on its way out for months, my cars battery died last week and he told me to get it fixed asap as ‘we need at least one reliable car’ which I don’t disagree with. So I spent £300 on it being fixed. Meanwhile, my partner spent £350 on a mountain bike. This evening we’ve notice oil(?) dripping from underneath his car. I told him now might be the time to get it looked at and just pay whatever it costs to be fixed. He said he can’t afford it. I told him I couldn’t really afford my car last week but I found the money and paid to have the issue fixed- after he told me to. I also pointed out that had he not bought the bike he would have £350 more than what he does that could have gone towards his car. This is me nagging him? To me, this is a pretty reasonable observation and it seems that anytime I say something he doesn’t like, I am nagging. He knows how much it annoys me. My dad left my mum due to her constant nagging and feel like he uses this on purpose to make me panic and not mention anything. But I’m not that type of person. If I think something needs doing I will usually do it myself but I am not afraid to point out when he is lacking. As I said earlier I do EVERYTHING and he gets away with the bare minimum. He’s the type of guy that can’t wait to point out the 1 house chore he’s done that day while I’ve been at work and I can’t stand it. Anyway I feel like I am ranting now. But I just wonder, what actually is nagging? Is it really nagging to suggest that things get done? Does he accuse me of nagging because he hates when I am right? Does he say it to deflect and get away with doing the bare minimum? How can I make him realise that I don’t mean to ‘nag’ but if I don’t say things nothing will ever get done? Advice, or any experiences welcome, I’d like to know I’m not alone and over reacting to this.

You're not nagging, he's just a useless tosser.

Stop doing anything for him. Do only for yourself and your child. When he complains, tell him to stop nagging.

He sounds like a lazy selfish pig who is trying to make it seem like you're the one to blame when in fact it's 100% him.

Just examples but to me asking someone to put dishes away is being a grown up, making a decision that cobwebs need to be removed off the ceiling as it looks untidy is nagging

But why you don't just have your own jobs to do makes no sense to me, but you don't need to pick up his clothes to wash (if you do) so decide what actually needs to be done and not you have just decided needs to be done, there is a difference

It’s not nagging, it’s do it the first time I asked. Get the fair play cards and work through a fair way to divide the child care and housework.
If he won’t stop being an arse stop doing anything for him. When he asks you to do something storm off shouting would you stop nagging me. Act just like he does.

My friend was once giving out about her dh ‘not doing anything’. It turned out he does equal to her but she wants it done better. I once went on a week away with her and totally sympathised with her dh- there was a lot of ‘we might do x now instead of later’ so I think it depends on the person BUT if he doesn’t do anything as opposed to him just not doing it now/to a standard most people can’t reach, then it’s not nagging!!

When he asks you to do something storm off shouting would you stop nagging me.
LOVE it!!!

Yeah I have know people who complain ''Oh my OCD means sheets need to be ironed, the floor hoovered 3 times a day, I can't have anything on the counters why won't they listen and do what I say"

He is lazy and non thinking.
You are repeating yourself, which would be annoying but you wouldn't need to repeat yourself if he did the things he should.
Divide up the chores; make a list (on a white board) and then trust each other.
The only hope is for him to learn from his own observations and experience. He will only improve if HE decides to do so.
Move right away from micro managing your partner's every hour. He needs to know what needs doing and organise his own time and he will only get better if he makes mistakes.

Try asking nicely, once, and then if he forgets to put the bin out write it on a white board which is in a space near his mountain bike. Thank him sincerely when he does help.

Leave the bin to over flow. Write the chores only once.
Have him notice the over flowing bin, have him admonish himself (in his own mind) and correct the situation.
Have him cope with a baby that is not dressed ready for the car if he forgets to dress it. There is no excuse for him to stay ignorant of what needs doing and how to do things.

He will have to cope with a broken down car - just leave him to it. Leave him to take responsibility and consult his whiteboard list in his own time.

‘I’m not afraid to point out when someone is lacking’ suggests that, whilst you might not be nagging, you might be rather critical. I have a friend who sees it as a virtue to point out and correct any errors in her family. All of them live a long way away from her now.

Can you both divide up the jobs so that he has his and you have yours. If you never take over his, it will start to become obvious that he isn’t pulling his weight.

He’s just a waste of space op and the sooner you realise that then the easier your life will be

Nagging is such a dismissive sexist word to use; he’s trying to belittle you and make you seem unimportant all to excuse himself

You aren't nagging, you are asking him to do his share.

You've paired up with a lazy man who thinks you are his mother. He won't change.

You can stop doing stuff for him , don't wash his clothes or cook for him or lend him your car. Don't organise his life. And when he moans, tell him he's nagging, that you aren't his skivvy and to do it himself.

He'll either step up or he'll go home to his real mum. Then you'll know whether he is worth keeping.

Nagging is a word used to silence women. You need to sit down and discuss the jobs , who does what and split it equally. (Try to aim for his jobs to be ones that have to be done such as cooking tea.) but then you have to leave him to do his jobs in his own time and for him to deal with consequences if he doesn't.

You're in a relationship with a selfish lazy manchild. Dump him

Technically, nagging is women repeatedly asking someone to do something. The reality is often that the other person just hasn't bothered doing it, hence being asked repeatedly.

In your situation it seems he's using the word 'nagging' to shut you up and stop pulling him up on his failings. My experience is he won't suddenly change as a result of you 'nagging' so it is kind of a case of put up and shut up (unwise) or leave him really.

My dad left my mum due to her constant nagging and feel like he uses this on purpose to make me panic and not mention anything

This is huge. He’s deliberately tapping in to your insecurities for his own benefit.

I would tell him (and have previously said this to my own H so not just hot air here) that if he ever used to word nagging to me again he could simply go up, pack a bag and fuck off. And that if he expected to be in a marriage where I didn’t express any requests to him or he expected requests to be made once only and then never repeated- when they hadn’t been met- he could think again. And how DARE he use pathetic sexist language towards me.

So no I won’t tolerate the word “nagging” or any of the attitude that goes with it.

Have you had any therapy to work through your parents’ divorce? Do you accept it was down to “nagging” or is it possible your dad had other reasons for leaving also?

Maybe it’s time to revisit the narrative your dad sold you on why he left your mum.

Apart from that, YANBU, he’s behaving like an annoying teenager. Why is he and his time much more important than you and yours?

You're not nagging.
He's a dick.
Maybe its time you threaten him with leaving for being a lazy, manipulative arsehole. The bike situation shed light on the fact he was happy for you to do the adult thing while he went and bought himself something nice.

Nagging is what lazy and selfish men say it is when they're just being asked to pull their sodding weight.

I stopped doing things for my Dh for a while when I noticed this. He had been asking me a few times to do something (that did need doing but also didn’t get in his way) and I lost it and went through the long list of things that directly affect me daily that I’ve been asking him about regularly for months or years…
if I were you there is no way my Dh would be using my car. No. If I said yes I’d want to remind you to fix yours and you’d call it nagging so it’s just a flat no for ever. Find the money for hours, sell the bike, not my problem. Also, if you haven’t noticed I’m just piling all your dirty clothes in the blue basket. Since I have to pick them up off the floor or be accused of nagging I’m not washing them. And I did forget to buy the cereal you like would you stop going on about it?? You are turning into such a nag. You have two working legs and a new bike- you can get yourself to the shops.

Both car keys would be on my ring and carefully guarded.

Nagging is a word used by lazy, sexist men to shut down women, men who refuse to listen the first time to women asking for help, and have absolutely no interest in doing their share because they see domestic work as women’s work, despite both working full time…

This’ll be it 🫢

It's only "nagging" if a woman does it. That's how you know it's misogynistic bullshit designed to keep you doing everything while he swans about without a care in the world.

Tell him to use the word "remind" since that's what you're doing.

"Stop reminding me!"

Makes him sound like an ungrateful idiot doesn't it. That's because he is.

I started with banning the word nag early on, it worked, not to say DH now pulls his weight all the time, but he's not using misogynistic language which has no place in any relationship.

Best of luck.

I agree, nagging is a word used to keep women quiet. Never used about men.

he sounds like useless lazy waste of space.

“Stop nagging “ translates to “STFU bitch” in your situation I think.

You can try the chore list etc, but I suspect little will change long term.