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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He violated my privacy

65 replies

blondequdi · 20/06/2023 20:15

Ex partner has been staying with me to see if we can work things out.

I was showing him baby photos (he isn't DS's dad) and came across a folder called xxx. He asked me what it was and I told him truthfully - naughty videos of me.

I rarely use my laptop, maybe once a year to back up photos.

Anyway the next day I go to work and he messages me going crazy that I have old sex
Clips of me and my husband (who died) and implies other people. Says I shouldn't have kept them. Sees a screenshot of messages from my ex (I haven't replied to any) and says I should have told him.

I get home and he admits he has been through the whole laptop. He's read the letters DS and I wrote to his dad when he died. He read the text messages. Went through the photos of his funeral and body. (Husband was in an RTA). He went through EVERYTHING

I feel absolutely violated. He KNEW the videos would be from before I ever met him, he just wanted proof I still had them. He admits he had no reason to look at anything but did it cos he wanted to, wanted to prove I had sex stuff and looked at everything else just cos he wanted to.

I feel disgusted. DS was 5 when his dad died and I feel like my ex now knows more about his dad than DS does! He's seen and read things DS has never known about.

He's adamant I should have deleted the sex
Clips... they're from 2007. I had no idea they were there.

I told him he had no right to go through my laptop. We aren't together!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 20/06/2023 20:21

Well, he's an ex for a reason I guess. He should not have violated your privacy.

To be completely honest though, I would not contemplate getting back with an ex if I found out they kept sex videos with their ex partners on their phone. It's your choice obviously but I'd wonder why my partner felt the need to keep those kinds of videos versus obviously just family ones.

Original poster
blondequdi · 20/06/2023 20:23

They weren't on my phone. They were on my laptop which I literally never use. They were backed up when they were made (2007) and I haven't bothered with them since. I didn't even know they were there.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 20/06/2023 20:24

YANBU at all OP. He's an absolute prick. Kick him out immediately and never speak to him again. How dare he!

glitterfarts · 20/06/2023 20:26

I'd be worried he sent to himself or video recorded on his phone.
He has no boundaries. This is a massive red flag for controlling behaviour. He's threatened by a dead man.
Get rid and block.

phoenixrosehere · 20/06/2023 20:28

YANBU

For me, he would be gone. Nothing to work out if he feels entitled to go through your personal stuff and make accusations without your consent.

Who knows if he has saved any of the information for himself and may even use it against you later if he’s the type.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2023 20:29

Yet more proof that you should never get back together with an ex. He's your ex for a reason. I would be very, very concerned that he has stolen some of these files.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:30

He's an arsehole.

But, what were you thinking giving him access to all that private information? That's Security 101 not to. If it's private, it's password protected!

Whenwillitallmakesense · 20/06/2023 20:32

He has ust validated and reinforced reasons why you split in the first place. Kick him out. Get him out of your and your DC's life.

And password protect your devices, ffs

Horizabel · 20/06/2023 20:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:30

He's an arsehole.

But, what were you thinking giving him access to all that private information? That's Security 101 not to. If it's private, it's password protected!

Yes, this! And having an ex to stay in your house to 'see if you can work things out' seems deeply unwise, anyway...

SchoolShenanigans · 20/06/2023 20:33

Why would you think having your ex stay over while you work on things is a good idea?! What must your son think, how confusing.

Kick him out. He's adding nothing positive to your life.

Come on now OP, you get one life and your child gets one childhood. Don't waste it on this loser who can't respect privacy. Move on.

Original poster
blondequdi · 20/06/2023 20:37

Thanks ladies. It is password protected but I guess he saw me put the password in when I was showing him baby pics... I'm so hurt and feel so violated. What on earth does he think gives him the right to do that

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:38

blondequdi · 20/06/2023 20:37

Thanks ladies. It is password protected but I guess he saw me put the password in when I was showing him baby pics... I'm so hurt and feel so violated. What on earth does he think gives him the right to do that

That's worse. And probably illegal. Call the non-emergency and find out.

icelollycraving · 20/06/2023 20:40

How horrific. You can never forgive him. Has he forwarded them or got them on his devices? You’ll literally never know.
Your son or one of his friends could have viewed the videos but also viewed the photos of your late husband. Tighten up your boundaries around privacy.
Part of me would want to be v v angry but I’d also be nervous around him sharing anything,
what a terrible person he is.

EvilElsa · 20/06/2023 20:42

He's not still at your house is he?! You need him gone. Now. I'd also tell him if he has copied anything from the laptop you will be contacting the police.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 20/06/2023 20:42

I'd check the sent folder to see if he's forwarded anything to his own email. You never know he may have forgotten to delete his trail if he has.

Also get that password changed.

I dearly hope your son has never had access to the laptop to do homework or anything, with the content you have on it.

C1N1C · 20/06/2023 20:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:30

He's an arsehole.

But, what were you thinking giving him access to all that private information? That's Security 101 not to. If it's private, it's password protected!

Sadly, I agree with this. He's a dick for looking, but you did dangle the carrot.

Would you honestly not be tempted? It seems 90% of women on MN would look through a man's phone if he so much as changed aftershave!

"Here's everything personal about my life... I'll just leave it open and accessible for you..." Wait, how could you look?!?!?

Emmamoo89 · 20/06/2023 20:46

YADNBU X

BlinkeredBay · 20/06/2023 20:47

Omg this level of intrusion is beyond belief, I’m so sorry

ThursdayFreedom · 20/06/2023 20:49

@blondequdi

(((HUG))))

What an utter Cunt.

it doesn't matter if you left the lap top on, and the file open, he had NO right to violate your privacy like that, and absolutely NO fucking right to tell you what you can/can't keep from your past.

keep it all, it's YOUR history, not even a tiny bit to do with anyone else.

towriteyoumustlive · 20/06/2023 20:51

Staying with you to see if you can work things out?

Well... I guess you have your answer now! Show him the door immediately if you haven't already done so. What a !!!

CostelloJones · 20/06/2023 20:59

The sexy video stuff is bad enough but I think I could understand that (if I really tried hard and was a more forgiving person!) but tbh on its own that’s bad enough

the other stuff, all the stuff about your husband and son is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable!

it’s such an invasion of privacy and shows complete disregard for the feelings of you and your son. Such a lack of respect

I am so so sorry this has happened OP. YADNBU and I hope you can get over it ok 💐💐💐

I would never be speaking to this man again

YESSTEVE · 20/06/2023 21:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2023 20:30

He's an arsehole.

But, what were you thinking giving him access to all that private information? That's Security 101 not to. If it's private, it's password protected!

Sorry but this is victim blaming. She didn’t give him access, she didn’t give him the right. He went behind her back, broke in and went through her personal information. In no way is it the OP’s fault and to suggest it is in any way is pure victim blaming.

CostelloJones · 20/06/2023 21:01

YESSTEVE · 20/06/2023 21:00

Sorry but this is victim blaming. She didn’t give him access, she didn’t give him the right. He went behind her back, broke in and went through her personal information. In no way is it the OP’s fault and to suggest it is in any way is pure victim blaming.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree with this @YESSTEVE

OP you did NOTHING wrong!

Sunnyfeelgood · 20/06/2023 21:14

Please tell us he is now a proper ex rather than a pretend one! He does not respect you and doesn't understand normal boundaries. This is not ok.

Landndialamrhf · 20/06/2023 21:19

In future (not to victim blame, but to take away a lesson) Don’t have ex’s or people you don’t trust 100% stay with you
don’t give ex’s or people you don’t trust 100% access to your home and private information
use passwords
its not your fault, you wouldn’t do that so you trusted him to behave like a good person too, but unfortunately he isn’t
he’s an ex for a reason, at least now you know.

him being adamant or annoyed or anything else is neither here nor there

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