He violated my privacy

[blondequdi]

Ex partner has been staying with me to see if we can work things out.

I was showing him baby photos (he isn't DS's dad) and came across a folder called xxx. He asked me what it was and I told him truthfully - naughty videos of me.

I rarely use my laptop, maybe once a year to back up photos.

Anyway the next day I go to work and he messages me going crazy that I have old sex
Clips of me and my husband (who died) and implies other people. Says I shouldn't have kept them. Sees a screenshot of messages from my ex (I haven't replied to any) and says I should have told him.

I get home and he admits he has been through the whole laptop. He's read the letters DS and I wrote to his dad when he died. He read the text messages. Went through the photos of his funeral and body. (Husband was in an RTA). He went through EVERYTHING

I feel absolutely violated. He KNEW the videos would be from before I ever met him, he just wanted proof I still had them. He admits he had no reason to look at anything but did it cos he wanted to, wanted to prove I had sex stuff and looked at everything else just cos he wanted to.

I feel disgusted. DS was 5 when his dad died and I feel like my ex now knows more about his dad than DS does! He's seen and read things DS has never known about.

He's adamant I should have deleted the sex
Clips... they're from 2007. I had no idea they were there.

I told him he had no right to go through my laptop. We aren't together!

AIBU?

The audacity of him being angry! OP, clearly he can never be in your home again now so he has essentially ended it himself. Sorry for the loss of your husband.

The fact that he saw pictures of your late husband’s body and carried on looking and had the nerve to front you up is a bit gross tbh. What a sicko. Surely you see something like that and think “holy fuck I shouldn’t be looking at these” and slam the laptop shut! Not carry on looking! Get rid, please. Massive violation.

Putting aside who is right and who is wrong, please listen because this is really important - he will NEVER get those images out of his head. He has literally SEEN you having sex with your late husband. He will ALWAYS have this in his mind and will not be able to move past it, even if he wanted to. So he will bring it up again, and again, and again. And be angry with you for it. Please just scrap this relationship.

also really a partnership either works or it doesn’t. There isn’t a “see if we can make it work”.

he’s a prick btw. Not for rooting, even, but for having the balls to bring it up in the way he did.

OP has confirmed she did password protect the file. So she's golden.

It's not victim blaming to say he's 100% to blame AND there are ways to protect private information.

Because there are utter arseholes around, we need to be careful. Not her fault though.

Why wouldn't you have a password on there?

She did have a password

He read the letter your 5 year old son wrote to his dead dad?!

That's genuinely sick. He would be out of my life forever.

And it's definitely pretty victim blamey to say OP "dangled the carrot". Like how if someone leaves their door open a crack while they are changing, it's still a massive invasion of privacy to peer at them. Just because you can and you want to, doesn't mean you should.

Hope your okay op. Please get him out of your house. You and your son deserve better.

Grounds for divorce, absolutely

Would you honestly not be tempted? It seems 90% of women on MN would look through a man's phone if he so much as changed aftershave!

God, no. It’s someone’s private stuff. I’m not tempted to look through someone’s personal phone, laptop, or home unless I have to (emergency, given permission, etc..) because it’s their possessions and they have a right to privacy nor would I want someone doing the same to me.

This should be the end of this relationship. I'm so sorry he did this to you xxx

Are you going to stay with him?

Do you STILL want to "work things out" with him?
Have some self respect.

What an utter violation and intrusion. I hope this is the end of the ‘seeing if we can work it out’ period

It’s irrelevant whether she had a password or not, you jumped straight to accusations that she was to blame. She wasnt, password or no password. He’s a disgusting individual and even if she had left her laptop own and unlocked she STILL wouldn’t be to blame.

Exactly. I know the password to my husbands phone. Do I look? No, because it’s not my business. Anyone saying they would look or blaming the OP needs to have a word with themselves and learn what privacy and restraint is. This is NOT in any way the OPs fault.

Thank you ladies, he left last night but according to him it's not that big of a deal and it's my fault for having the photos even though I didn't know they were there!

He was absolutely in the wrong for what he did but what do you mean you did not know they were there?

You told him they were there

He asked me what it was and I told him truthfully - naughty videos of me

Those who are saying he shouldn’t have been given access… would you look through someone’s laptop, just because you could?

No, because it’s wrong!!

What a despicable man.

I would never speak to him again, he would be gone. Oh and l would let his friends and family know that he, without you permission, accessed your departed husbands private photos and letters from your tiny child to his daddy.
I would make sure he could not show his face again without people condeming his awful behaviour.

And regarding the sex pics, no big dea,l between you and your Husband. Do NOT let him bully you regarding those. No reasonable person would have any issue with you having those.

What a prick! No wonder you feel violated! I would block him.

It’s absolutely none of his business what you did before you even met him and it is truly an outrageous breach of your privacy. It would be a deal breaker for me. Shocking behaviour.

Well done for getting rid. Now block the vile arsehole and never look back.

Classic response from him! (this is called the narcissist's prayer)

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

What a total cunt. Please, please kick him out and never have him back anywhere near you or yours.

YANBU, obviously.

But at the same time and to a lesser extent, if I was sat with my partner/prospective partner looking through baby photos of their child from an ex relationship, and there was a load of clips of them having sex with an ex, I'd be pretty gutted. Looking through the pictures in the first place would be something I wouldn't particularly enjoy but would feel obliged to fake enthusiasm for, and the x rated footage would really just rub salt in the wound. Maybe something to think about in future relationships as you consider how much of your past to keep in the present.