Getting toddler off to sleep - AIBU?

[mauvish]

(Hello DD if you read this!)

I look after DGD one day/week; she's not far off 2 yo. Her mum (my DD) feels that on my day, DGD gets her nap too late in the afternoon - but I don't know how to change this!

Basically DGD is still BF so mum has an easy way to soothe that is unavailable to me. I managed, one time only, to get DGD to sleep in my bed, but usually it has to be in the buggy. That's fine but if I have to take her out for a walk to get her to sleep, that has to fit around other activities (mine more than hers, eg getting lunch ready for us!) It's not exactly ideal if the weather is terrible either. DGD always gets her nap, but it can be a good couple of hours later than DD would have liked me to "organise".

The usual day goes something like - toddler group in the morning, pop to the shops, lunch, out for another walk and then the DGD will fall asleep on the way home from the walk. (Surely, if she were tired, she'd fall asleep on the way there rather than on the way back?)

So, 2 q's:

1. AIBU to carry on as we are? I'm not deliberately going against mum's wishes, but I can't easily comply with mum's preference - though I would if I knew how.
2. Where's the button you press on toddlers to get them to sleep at a pre-set time? 😅

Speaking as the mother of a toddler who BFed until 2.5… YANBU.

Your DD has to either come up with sensible suggestions about how to run the day (which work for you as well as the little one), or accept your help however it comes.

Also following for advice on the off switch.

Bless you OP. You sound really kind and like you’re doing a nice thing for your DD! I would carry on as you are tbh, there isn’t much you can do if DGD is used to being BF to sleep. That’s the trade off for your DD to have free childcare, IMO!

YANBU but neither is your DD. I think it depends on the times you're talking about, I doubt the issue is when your DGD sleeps, it's about how it impacts the rest of her day.
If nap is normally 1-3 and you're moving it 3-5 I can imagine it's causing a big problem for them in the evening.

You should talk about it and try to find a solution. For my toddler I would rather a shorter or earlier nap than a long late one in the afternoon, so we can keep our evening routine between 7-8pm latest.

Yanbu, if your DD wants structured childcare she should pay for a nursery.

Just move lunch to after the activity. Then nap time earlier. Shops after.

If it helps, mine only napped in pram also.
we would have lunch, then I would lay him down in pram with hood over and walk. It would usually take around 30 min walk before he napped.
He stopped napping daily not long after turning 2

Is this actually a problem for your daughter though?
If she’s dealing with worse sleep at night I would make sure you are doing what you can when you have the grandchild to help. Not all kids can be flexible with routine.
What time are you doing lunch? Is it early enough or does a later lunch mean the toddler is staying up longer so is over tired and therefore takes longer to go to sleep?
If she’s going to sleep a lot later than her usual time maybe you need to wake her after a short period of time? I wouldn’t like if it DD was sleeping past 3pm at grandparents as it would only mean a ridiculously late bedtime for me.

Are you with the toddler 1 day a week to spend time with her or for proper childcare reasons?

Do you need to shop before lunch? I'd move lunch earlier and walk after if possible. Mine also only napped in the pushchair for a long time. Or walk for a longer time after toddler group, if DGD will sleep without a full tummy.

Prefering your child to be tired at bedtime isn't "wanting structured childcare" though is it? It's basic.

I'd counter argue with your dd that she shouldn't feed to sleep at naptimes, so that DGD is able to self settle.

Are you with the toddler 1 day a week to spend time with her or for proper childcare reasons?
-- not sure what you mean by "proper childcare reasons", but I enjoy our time together!

Do you need to shop before lunch? I'd move lunch earlier and walk after if possible.
-- we usually have lunch not much after midday, I don't think I can realistically do it earlier

My understanding is that a later nap can cause problems that evening, hence the request from DD. But it seems to me that if we do playgroup in the morning (time not negotiable, obviously) then I want to save any other childbased activities for the afternoon -- not least for my own sanity, however much I adore her!!

so that DGD is able to self settle.

Well that would be the ideal, certainly, but I don't think there's much I can do about that. In my eyes, self-settling is an important skill for a little one to learn. but I can't "teach" that on my one day a week :(

I'd have an early lunch straight after toddler group, maybe around 11am. Then go for the walk after that. No need for shops.

You could also try rocking her (in your arms, rocking chair or in a sling?) in a dark room maybe? Or lie her down, read some stories, pat back, sing lullabies? Over time she might learn to go to sleep at home even without BF.

What time does dd put dgd down for a nap?

Self settling is a myth. It's developmental not a skill to teach. Please do not interfere with your DD breastfeeding!

No, I'm saying you should suggest to your daughter that she does that with her grandchild - it's a big ask, but if she feeds her to sleep, then she is leaving you no option.

What makes it unrealistic to have lunch around 11/11:30?

YANBU. As you say, if she was tired earlier she’d fall asleep on the way, not the way back.

There’s really not much you can do if it’s your only option - you can’t force a toddler to nap.

Dgd is nearly 2. Its not unreasonable to say "if you want her to reliably nap at mine without the crutch of breastfeeding then that's on you".

Are you with the toddler 1 day a week to spend time with her or for proper childcare reasons?
-- not sure what you mean by "proper childcare reasons", but I enjoy our time together!

Well are you doing the day because you want to spend time with your GC or did you feel pushed into free childcare?
If you’re doing it became you want to surely you would want to make sure your day doesn’t interfere with the evening?
So what time does she nap at home?
Why can’t you structure your day so it’s similar?
Why do you need to go to the shops on the one day you have her? Just go straight home for lunch instead. Or have brunch in a cafe and go for a walk after so she can sleep.
Sleeping ”several hours” after her usual nap is very late and no doubt is creating difficulties for your DD in the evening.

At nursery lunch is served at 11:30 for toddlers.

If you didn't go out in the pram would she nap at all? Maybe mum would prefer no nap to a danger nap?

Plenty of babies and toddlers attend childcare and nap there but BF at home for
sleep. It’s really not abnormal.
This toddler falls asleep in the pram so it’s not like she can’t sleep without nursing to sleep.

YANBU my mum has my son twice a week (which I am incredibly grateful for!) and sometimes naps do happen later but that just means I adjust bedtime accordingly. In my eyes him going to bed an hour later than usual is far less stressful than finding alternative childcare!

I'm looking after her because I want to. I volunteered, there was no coercion of any nature. I really enjoy our time together and I like being able to help my DD with childcare too.

I will try feeding her earlier (though she eats v little so it might not make much difference!) - no way am I ready for lunch at 11.30 but mine can wait.

She won't settle with rocking in my arms, but I can try her in my bed again -- nothing venture, nothing gain! (where's that "off" button again?!)

YANBU.

It’s free childcare- she should be very grateful. She’s welcome to pay for nursery (but the child may not sleep there as well as at home/in a pram).

The only thing I’d suggest which shouldn’t impact your day is waking them early from the nap? So don’t let her have 2 hours at 3pm for example. Just 45 mins or so.

Sometimes when I arrive at 9am to collect her, she's only just woken up so there's no chance that she's going to go back to sleep before midday.

(but sometimes I'm met with bleary eyes all round and the news that she's been up since 5!)