Getting toddler off to sleep - AIBU?

[mauvish]

(Hello DD if you read this!)

I look after DGD one day/week; she's not far off 2 yo. Her mum (my DD) feels that on my day, DGD gets her nap too late in the afternoon - but I don't know how to change this!

Basically DGD is still BF so mum has an easy way to soothe that is unavailable to me. I managed, one time only, to get DGD to sleep in my bed, but usually it has to be in the buggy. That's fine but if I have to take her out for a walk to get her to sleep, that has to fit around other activities (mine more than hers, eg getting lunch ready for us!) It's not exactly ideal if the weather is terrible either. DGD always gets her nap, but it can be a good couple of hours later than DD would have liked me to "organise".

The usual day goes something like - toddler group in the morning, pop to the shops, lunch, out for another walk and then the DGD will fall asleep on the way home from the walk. (Surely, if she were tired, she'd fall asleep on the way there rather than on the way back?)

So, 2 q's:

1. AIBU to carry on as we are? I'm not deliberately going against mum's wishes, but I can't easily comply with mum's preference - though I would if I knew how.
2. Where's the button you press on toddlers to get them to sleep at a pre-set time? 😅

What’s DGD’s routine at home, and dies she also go to paid childcare - if so, what’s her routine there?

I had 1 DC who, they slept anytime after 2pm, even for 10 minutes, would add an extra hour to bedtime for every 10-minutes they napped. It was absolute hell, tbh.

If you can do lunch between 12 and 12.30, then just stick her in the pram to go for a walk then, won’t she fall asleep then?

What time does she go to sleep for your DD? What’s her routine? I no she breastfeeds but I mean the routine surrounding that, is it relaxed in front of the tv, or just after a walk for example?

This sounds a bit more like she doesn’t actually have a routine at home - is that accurate?

YABU and if you couldn’t follow the nap when I wanted I would stop unsupervised contact and use childcare if needed.

My mum takes my DD out in the car to get her to sleep, have you tried that?

She is also BF and 2yo

Or could you have an early lunch and do the pushchair walk earlier?

If my DD sleeps too late they we are up until 9/10pm trying to get her to sleep and it's soul destroying, so I understand where your DD is coming from tbh

So does she have a normal routine or not then? Your OP says she goes to sleep “several hours” later but now you’re suggesting she would never have a consistent nap time at home.

Why can’t you just wake her up early so there’s a cut off for when she can sleep?

Ask your DD when she would like the child to be awake rather than when she should go to sleep.

And I'd ask you the same question as I'd ask anyone else who responded thus --- How do you MAKE someone (of any age) sleep if they don't want to?

That aside, I don't know what the home routine is other than that DD would like DGD to sleep earlier in the afternoon than she normally does with me, and I understand that's what they strive for at home.

Another suggestion is doing lunch after the nap, my DD has some snacks before her nap then I give her lunch after she wakes so 1:30/2pm. She only naps for 1/1.5 hours.

Same predicament here but I am the DD in this situation! I'm just happy that they can manage to get him to nap, even if it makes bedtime later than I would like for him. They are doing me a massive favour. (also, why are people assuming it's free care, I give my thanks to my family members in the form of money..)

DGD will usually sleep for about an hour once she does settle, whether that's earlier or later in the afternoon.

Will she not tell you what the routine is? Surely it’d make sense to ask her because obviously she has a better idea than us…

That aside, I don't know what the home routine is other than that DD would like DGD to sleep earlier in the afternoon than she normally does with me, and I understand that's what they strive for at home.

Bit weird this hasn’t come up in the general conversation about the issue!

If her wake up time ranges from between 5-9am then I think they have sleep issues at home that you definitely can’t be held responsible for OP!

(And I say this as a mum of a toddler).

Wow
Are your apples rotten?

Bring a packed lunch out when you go to toddler group and give it at the end of that, or else let her eat it in her buggy on your way to the shops? Then if she's tired enough she'll fall asleep after that in her buggy, and is she isn't then.. well, as you said, how do you force a non-tired person to fall asleep? Saying that, it might be that she's clinging onto staying awake because she enjoys your company. My dc does this if there's anyone more exciting than me around. Literally holding eyelids open. If we're out when I'd like dc to sleep, I make sure to never stop the buggy moving, so eg if we're waiting for the lights to change, I always move the buggy backwards and forwards while waiting.

Do lunch earlier. It was always 11:30 at nursery.

Sometimes I will try to get her to go to sleep on the way to the afternoon activity rather than afterwards. Into the buggy she goes, she'll lie down without complaint, footrest up, hood up to minimise light and off we'll go - and 20 mins later she will still be lying there, perfectly still and quiet, but still wide awake and staring at me. Hey ho.

If she's only woken up at 8.30 am, as is sometimes the case, then clearly she's not going to go back to sleep before lunch. But having written this out and read responses, it's made me think that perhaps I need to say to DD that if an earlier nap is important, then she needs to wake DGD up earlier to allow for that.

Mine would only nap in his cot at home but if out and about the nap would be random in the car / pram - so if my mum was looking after him I’d just accept that his nap would probably happen randomly, suck it up and be grateful I had support with childcare.

Breastfeeding to sleep is not ideal at 2 imho but it is what it is. You can’t force your DGD to sleep.

Echo what others say. Ask for guidelines from DD for the latest she wants to sleep. My mum and my MIL each do a day with my kids. They have their own methods of getting my son to sleep and while it isn't what I do (BF) I'm very grateful for the free childcare! I'd be annoyed if he was still asleep after 4pm, but appreciate that while watching 2 little ones things don't always go to plan and sometimes you need to suck up a late bedtime! If she's letting your granddaughter sleep in til 8.30 then she definitely can't be expecting her to go back down by 12. In fact maybe it's the late wake that sets the whole day back rather than the late nap!

^^ we were the same when my DD was this age, except she wouldn't nap at all and then be an overtired monster by 6pm 🤣

What is your daughter's routine? My mum kept the same routine as us pretty much (in those days, lunch at 12.30, nap 2-4 but my daughter was usually too excited and having too much fun to nap!!). However I was also mindful that my mum had other things in her day so it also had to fit in with what she had on.

My son only napped via buggy or car between 1.5 and 2.5 yo. He’s now 2 yr 9 months and has dropped the nap hurrah!

just to say I think she sounds pretty normal and you can only do your best with buggy walks etc

Do you want to be helpful to your daughter or not? If so, move lunch earlier/try a pram nap before lunch. If not, and you're only looking after your dgc because you enjoy it, then don't bother.

Ive been off on holiday lately and my DD who is a similar age has been out of her usual routine and has been getting up closer to 9am- which means a 3/4pm nap and a 9/10pm bedtime 🙈 I’d say the morning wake up time needs to be earlier to achieve the earlier afternoon nap. Wish me luck for going back to 6:45am wake ups tomorrow!

Yes I think you’re right in your update OP- if your Dd wants the nap to be earlier, she’ll need to wake Dd up at (say) 7am. Then she’ll naturally want to nap earlier - or there’ll be a chance of it.

Alternatively, perhaps if her nap is later sometimes, it could be shorter?

When mine were at nursery I did ask that they weren’t asleep after a certain time, because their bedtimes were a nightmare if they did.

It's a fallacy, though. Why does everything always get blamed on breastfeeding! My breastfed toddlers have napped perfectly fine with other family members if I wasn't there. Mum breastfeeding them doesn't mean they can't go to sleep in other ways with other people.